Well here we are, episode 14! Can you believe it? RHONY Season 12 is now a freshman in high school! Getting its period, having wet dreams, telling its mother it fucking hates her and hopes she dies while popping its zits with a protractor—aww such a fun age! Fittingly, this episode was also full of angst and adolescent messiness and some weird moments of horniness, along with a master class in fake crying, a famous chef who is definitely a serial killer, and a clogged toilet even more full of shit than Ramona Singer! Wow! Let’s get to it!
So! You may remember that last week’s episode ended just before the climax, juuuust this side of the point of no return, *extreme high-pitched* juuuuuuuust before the cumshot of the big, drunken, catastrophic fight between Luann and Sonja over Luann’s stupid cabaret show. We were slammed with a “To Be Continued” and now for a whole week we’ve been dick-teased and edged and whatever the female equivalent of those are (clit-teased? I suppose? I do not know from ladysex parts on account of a Clinton was president the last time I dabbled in that particular hobby! But as far as edging goes I’m pretty sure you women just call that “sex” because from what I’ve heard don’t none of these busters know how to make y’all cum anyway, amirite! Which LOL as a person who also does sex with men THAT TRACKS has anyone here ever been with a man who actually gave a shit whether you came and if so what was it like??? LOL genocide all men!)
Anyway cool cool, opening graf is already a weird psychosexual digression so this recap should go great, very normal stuff! THE POINT IS WE LEFT OFF RIGHT BEFORE EVERYTHING DETONATED BETWEEN SONJA AND LUANN, whompst as you may remember feels she is doing Sonja a FAVOR by asking her to be in her terrible cabaret show which LOL who wants to tell Luann it’s the other way around on account of Sonja is kicky and fun whereas Luann is intolerable and insufferable?
In any case, according to the big chyron on the screen when we open it is now exactly 40 minutes after the moment when Luann stumbled around drunk repeatedly calling Sonja quote worthless unquote. All seems quiet at Blue Stone Manor so I assumed that all happened at, like, 1:20 in the A and now it’s 2:00 in the A and everyone has gone to bed on account of they had all they could take of Luann bellowing about her “VERY SUCCESSFUL CABARET SHOW” while lumbering around Dorinda’s house like the lovable sasquatch Harry from the seminal 1980s art-house classic Harry and the Hendersons but then this Ramona moment happened:
"DINNERTIME”?!?!?! My jaw hit the floor and shattered into a million pieces. These women are at the drunken-brawl part of their evening—not to mention the shark-statue-laying-in-the-hallway part—and it is only, like, SEVEN OF THE CLOCK POST MERIDIEM?!?! I —
Anyway, the doorbell rings with Chinese delivery and Ramona goes to answer it, and bless this delivery guy’s heart, could a worse person have answered the door? Instead of just taking the bags from this man making $7/hour delivering Chinese food to mountaintop mansions and letting him move on with his life, Ramona asks him to carry this dump-truck-load of food all the way to Dorinda’s kitchen. But because she’s Ramona, and she knows what she’s doing is fucked up, she can’t just ask him to do it, she has to do a whole song-and-dance about what a stupid, clumsy asshole she is who’ll surely spill all the food all over herself hahaha! And like, bitch how?! It’s all in sealed paper bags!
Anyway look at poor Ben here like, “Bitch if you don’t get your hand off me I swear to my ancestors…”
And then…
I wish I had a video clip of this because poor Ben’s, “Ohhh-kay” reaction to this was just absolutely priceless. Anyway, Dorinda has elected, for this dinner of delivered Chinese food to be eaten on her own couch, to wear a sequined disco dress.
Like you do. So with that out of the way let’s pop into the kitchen and see what’s happening in there oh neat it’s Ramona STILL torturing the poor delivery man!
JUSTICE FOR BEN THE DELIVERY MAN I SWEAR TO GOD.
Everyone comes to the kitchen for the food, which means Sonja and Luann, who are both so drunk they can barely speak, get into it again because Sonja had the audacity to say *checks notes* “The thing is, Luann…”
And over in the dining room, Dorinda is angrily SHOVELING Chinese food into her mouth in a way that honestly made me jealous. Man I could FUCK UP some Lo Mein like 24/7/365 I swear to God. Hey LA people does Chin Chin still exist? I was thinking about that shit the other day because they had this ridiculous beef Lo Mein that calls to me in the dark of night so that it may make sweet, gentle, but make no mistake, vigorous love to my very soul. No condom either! Full bareback lovemaking, that Chin Chin beef Lo Mein! Also that Main Mein cold peanut noodle shit they had? Bitch!!! And their sweet and sour chicken was made with GRAPEFRUIT JUICE! Now That’s What I Call Not At All Authentic Culturally Appropriative Asian Cuisine! Alison Roman, Ima let you finish with your cute little curries and shit but Chin Chin was out here making the best “Asian food” with Ocean Spray Ruby Red Grapefruit Juice Cocktail of ALL TIME! God that shit was good. I bet like everything in LA it’s now a vegan cheesemonger for Buddhist babies or something equally fucking stupid. The 2010s literally ruined everything about everything I swear to god MORE LIKE OBUMMER AM I RIGHT YES WE CAN’T.
Anyway, while Luann and Sonja slurscream at each other, Dorinda’s plowing through her Lo Mein like “LOL let’s kill Luann.” I mean, what she actually says is, “Why does Sonja put up with this?” but the homicidal sentiment is there, like subtextually. In any case, Ramona agrees that Luann is being horrid, and adds that she thinks Sonja should bail on Luann and just make her own cabaret show because she was doing cabaret way back in 2013, long before Luann ever even thought to do it in the first place!
Luann overhears and I cannot stress enough the fact that she just ~*materializes*~ from behind Ramona like a goddamn shape-shifting goblinwitch all like, “Oh really?”
Like I’m not kidding she was NOT there and then she just, like, WAS there? And it is one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen? Anyway, please enjoy Ramona’s reaction to Luann swooping in like a goddamn emu to glare her to death for shit-talking.
At this point the cat’s out of the bag of course, so Ramona just repeats the COMPLETELY TRUE shit she was talking, and Luann is INCENSED, I tell you, INCENSED! Because what Sonja does is NOT cabaret, you see! It is that debauched, uncivilized lesser art form you may have heard of called CABURLESQUE! Which is a THING! That does not EXIST!
Look at her snarling about it, as if Sonja’s act was XXX-rated donkey-fuck porn or something. Christ, what an asshole.
Back in the kitchen, Sonja’s overhearing Luann, and doing what she does best, which is like nominally bitching at Luann but basically talking to herself and also eating?
She keeps doing it louder and louder until Lu hears and then goes through the roof again, and Dorinda decides it’s time to take Luann down a peg.
So Luann storms back into the kitchen and tells Sonja, “My SHOW is about ME it’s not about YOU” which like, bitch nobody said it was! Shut up! Get a hobby! Go to a therapist! Sonja simply cannot be bothered with this anymore, which I’d bet is at least 50% to do with the fact that she’d rather eat Chinese food and honestly I’ve always had a soft spot for Sonja and I think her enthusiasm for drunk-eating is why. It is extremely endearing!
Anyway, Sonja just like walks away from Luann and says this:
But she’s so shitfucked what she actually says is, “ahm DUH wih Lwan n ahm DUH wiher SHUH.” What a goddamn treasure. We are so blessed to have her. Especially because her choice to bail has given us arguably this episode’s best of moment of all: since she’s left Luann back in the kitchen with no audience, she just starts bloviating to Dorinda’s housekeeper Len!!!
And Len, God bless her, just openly laughs at her and then is like bitch go eat something shut UP.
So having been given the heave-ho by Len, Luann goes BACK to the dining room to go in on Sonja AGAIN and you can tell everyone's just had e-fucking-NUFF cuz Ramona stands up and yells in luann's face to JUST PAY THE BITCH!!! Paraphrasally, I mean.
And then suddenly KC and the Sunshine Band starts playing and everyone does that whooping “Ooh-WUH ooh-WUH!” chant people used to do in the discos [like at the 2:11 mark of this) and suddenly Dorinda roller skates in from the other room right up to Luann while singing “Do a little dance! Make a little love! You’re a piece of shit! *horn, horn* You’re a piece of shit!”
Legit Dorinda is so mad about the way Luann is doing Sonja that she’s crying. Luann, of course, isn’t having any of this and is like, “Oh yeah Dorinda, you know everything” and then Dorinda… Oh dear…
I regret to inform you that Dark Dorinda has joined the chat. She looks at Luann and says, “You’re a drunken fool” and when Luann protests, Dorinda comes for Luann’s whole-ass NECK.
And Luann… well, suffice to say the insult lands.
And listen, I struggle with this. Because Dorinda is cruel, and this is mean and below the belt and the lowest-hanging fruit in the forest—and this also isn’t the first time Big D has thrown this trauma in Luann’s face either. (Remember that Cartagena shit? Oy.) Also LOL Dorinda is an alcoholic.
And like, IDK, vibrationally? I want to be in a more giving and healing place? And like hold space for learning and growth for all persons? Because that is just who I am as a spiritual seeker and someone following ~*the path*~ you know? But at the same time, when I really connect to my heart’s center and meditate upon my deepest truth, what I feel is that Luann is a fucking pigperson and true MERCY on Dorinda’s part would be to grab her by the hair and bash her face into the table until her blood runs across the floors like the flood waters that recently forced Dorinda to buy new Missoni carpets! So!
Especially since Ramona says in her interview that Luann is straight-up lying about not being able to afford to pay Sonja—she personally told Ramona she’s making “a shit ton of money” off her cabaret. And Sonja lives in the Midtown Four Points by Sheraton!
Regardless, I was all set to change my mind about how mean Dorinda’s being until what happened next happened, which is Luann storms off and starts packing her things while doing the most HILARIOUSLY INEPT FAKE CRYING YOU’VE EVER SEEN IN YOUR LIFE.
Nary a tear! I mean, if you’re gonna cry on camera wouldn’t you make sure you can ACTUALLY CRY ON CAMERA before doing so?! This is not a movie set where they can cut the cameras (deadass) and spit in your eyes or whatever. This is ~*reality television*~ bb! You better come correct!
I wish I could find a video clip of it because you seriously need to see it to believe it, and also hear the fake sobs to believe it. Like you could listen to it on a pair of headphones blindfolded and you’d be like “my farts sound more like crying this shit’s fake.” It’s so bad that when the camera gets tighter on her face and it is indisputable that she is not crying the shady editors put “continues sobbing” on the screen!!!
I mean this post-production team HAS to be a bunch of MESSY QUEENS. Like I know there are maybe three gay editors in the entire world max but I am convinced they’re all working on this show because straight people don’t know how to be this mean! They are genetically inferior at it! Honestly the entire post-production team of this show should win a GLAAD Award because this is a watershed in the struggle for LGBTQ visibility in media!!! REPRESENTATION MATTERS!!!
Anyway back in the dining room, Dorinda is bellowing about how she feels protective of Sonja because she’s a good kid who gets dealt a raw hand more than she deserves. And, you know, GUILLOTINE THEM ALL and everything but still, ultimately all Sonja wants is to be a good mom, a successful businesswoman and get dicked-down good and proper on the regular and honestly WHOMPST AMONG US?! But she just can’t catch a break, including from her own best friend! So I get Dorinda’s rage, I really do, espesh cuz we’re both Sagittarii and starting shit with bitches who want to talk sideways to our friends is, like, just who we are. THE COSMOS MADE US THIS WAY! We didn’t choose the belligerent life, the belligerent life CHOSE US!
Anyway let’s check in with Luann and see if she’s actually crying yet.
Oh nope! Still fake and incompetent and eyes dry as my sex life amirite ladies!
Anyway remember about how Sagittarii like to start shit? Well, as Luann is fumbling all over herself getting her 437 suitcases down the stairs while also maintaining her fake sobs, Dorinda comes around the corner and sings her stupid song at her and I screamed my vocal cords up through my brain and out the top of my skull.
Then they tussle at the door—like PHYSICALLY tussle—which was SHOCKING but sadly doesn’t translate to photos.
See? But here’s what DOES translate to photos (sort of, if I highlight it for you, which I did because I am a professional thank you), Dorinda is so fucking irate that as she screams into the night some weird insult about Luann’s clothes only costing $400, she spits the biggest fucking wad of Chinese food-induced loogie you’ve ever seen.
Talk about spittin’ mad! Meanwhile, back in the dining room, Sonja is... well, Sonja is Sonja.
Back outside, Leah comes to check on Luann and guess what she’s doing, that is correct she is fake crying again! But this time with an actual light directly on her face!
The boldness! The moxie! As I’ve mentioned I have a degree in Acting (thank you) and so I can tell you, as only someone who spent $50,000 on a fucking degree in fucking acting can, that THIS is the kind of ~*risk-taking*~ and ~*boldness*~ and ~*FEARLESS DETACHMENT FROM REALITY*~ good acting requires! Good for her. Even Leah buys her performance! She runs in and tells Ramona that Luann is hysterical!
Honestly kudos to Leah too for committing to the bit. THIS is generosity in acting! You’re only as good as your scene partner, of course! Is Leah a trained improvisor? Because she has CHOPS. In improv you learn that the most fundamental key to good improvisation is the “yes, and”—that is, you go along with what your partner creates no matter how absurd, and then you add to it. And like, this is the ultimate “yes, and”! “Oh hello I am sobbing.” “YES AND I am going to go get our friend Ramona and tell her you are hysterical.” I mean THIS is improvisation! Del Close could never! Charna Halpern found dead! Second City? More like Second SHITTY! Improv Olympic? More like Improv I’M LIMPIN! Upright Citizens Brigade?! Honey! More! Like! Upright! Citizens! Idk I thought if I stalled my typing by putting exclamation points between all the words I’d come up with a punchline by the time I got here but it turns out it’s just not in the cards, and part of being an artist is just accepting that sometimes the muses don’t come and it’s more about the WORK, you know?
Which is something Ramona should’ve thought about because she overcommits and this entire scene falls apart.
YOU’VE NEVER SEEN LUANN CRY LIKE WHAT HER FACE IS COMPLETELY FUCKING DRY!!! The lesson here is that there IS such a thing as overselling in acting, write that down.
Anyway, blessedly that’s the end and we go to the next day, where Dorinda, as per uszhe, is feeling embarrassed and contrite and has learned the hard way the evils of rosé.
Ugh! So true! Who among us hasn’t been enjoying a simple glass of rosé and then all of a sudden oops I’M WILDLY EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE?! See that’s how they get ya over at Big Rosé smh.
Anyway, she calls Luann and apologizes. Luann apologizes too and is like, "IDK what happened" and Dorinda's basically like “LOL WE ARE ALCOHOLICS IS WHAT HAPPENED HAHAHAHA OH WHAT MIRTH!”
So they have a hearty laugh and all is forgotten. Which is all very true to life, I mean we all have this friend! Usually it is me! Anyway, Dorinda's all “We peaked too soon!” meaning they got drunk too early, and then Ramona’s like LOL LIKE WHEN A GUY BLASTS ON YOUR STOMACH BEFORE HE EVEN MAKES IT IN THE PUSS AMIRITE HAHAHA and you can hear Len somewhere in the house like, “God, if you are real and benevolent you will smite this bitch with fire and lightning.”
Anyway, they may be laughing now, but in their interviews, Luann and Ramona BOTH say they just give up with Dorinda because there’s no winning with her.
And, well, you know how THAT goes in regular life, let alone on booze-fueled reality TV. Can’t wait to get another classic Dorinda gif when the three of them go 47 rounds about this in the reunion.
But for all the “what’s the point, might as well play dead and laugh it off” Luann spits in her interview, she does the same exact thing to Sonja when she meets the girls in town to go shopping later that day.
Luann, Luann, Luann. But at least she makes a commitment to Sonja that she WILL pay her for the cabaret—EVENTUALLY, when she can afford to. Which, of course, is contra what Ramona told us about how she’s swimming in cabaret money. Which I believe! My girl Melissa (hey girl!) went to that awful shit in Detroit and said the tickets were expensive as hell! Luann is such a liar! But Sonja is like, “I get it, because we’re both artists and it’s about ~*the work*~”
And listen, I know I’m just some rapidly decaying be-manbunned film school dropout whose “art” is gay-screaming into a newsletter like four people read about a show that was literally conceived as a reality version of Desperate Housewives, but “artists”? As in ~*makers of art*~? Leeeeet’s just calm it down there, Morgan. Cool your jets, buckaroo.
Anyway, nothing else happens on this shopping trip except we learn that Leah once did sex-pee on a French prince.
We stan a watersports queen!
Anyway, they get back to Big D’s house and Ramona has taken a giant dump and clogged the toilet.
Please note the shit-stained toilet paper visible in the shot right beside the caption I mean Jesus Christ Ramona you couldn't even have the self-respect to nudge that down into the toilet bowl with the plunger before the cameramen found you? Amateur. The lack of professionalism is just… shit-stained toilet paper on national TV-level, quite frankly.
Anyway, Ramona doesn’t know how to plunge a toilet because of course she doesn’t, so she grabs the shit-stained toilet paper with her hands and throws it in the garbage and I swear to god this woman ate lead paint chips as a child or something what is the matter with her. She goes to get Leah for help, who asks her if she went number two and Ramona lies and is like no I just used too much paper but HELLO WE JUST SAW YOUR SHIT CLINGING TO THE BOWL AND ALSO WTF DO YOU THINK SHE'S GONNA SEE WHEN SHE HELPS YOU.
Sure enough...
For those of you who got kids, LOL I’m sorry but also bayyyy-by TURD doo doo doo doo doo amirite?!? Thank you so much I have been professionally trained in comedy.
Anyway, in her interview Leah drags Ramona for always talking about etiquette and how “déclassé” everything is, but then calls her in to help her dislodge her enormous logs of shit from a guest room toilet, which, you know, fair critique!
But the best part is Ramona’s face when Dorinda overhears the commotion and catches her red-handed.
What a miracle this program is.
Now it's time for a dinner party with famous chef person Colin Cowie, and like, sorry but he is kind of a weirdo IDK guys.
Like I still probably would, don’t get me wrong, but he makes me uncomfs, like he'd want to get naked and shit on me or something? Like look at the way he sniffs Dorinda as they hug.
This dude eats bitches' skins and shit and I won’t hear different. Like I bet you dollars to donuts he slipped up a couple times and called Dorinda “Clariiiicccccccce.” Ugh.
Anyway, Dorinda’s possibly probably definitely lesbian sister Melinda shows up in a VERY fetching leopard-print buttondown.
Awwwwwww! Melinda! We love Melinda. What do you think Dorinda and Melinda were like growing up in the Berkshires? I hope they were close and Dorinda was nice to Melinda. I adore Melinda because she low-key always seems kind of sad? Like in the way that a lot of queer people are just always kind of, you know, a little sad, right? Like there’s a subtext of sadness? That is why so many of us are funny and mean! Anyway, I just want to hug Melinda and be her friend and I hope she and Dorinda are close and have lots of memories and laugh together a lot and that Melinda’s life is good!
This has been me projecting my gay trauma on a woman whompst I don’t even know for sure is gay thank you so much please support my problematic art on Patreon!
Anyway, here’s Luann dressed like a newscaster in a porn movie for whatever reason.
And here is a photo of me that somehow made it onto this series without my consent and I am filing suit in federal court tomorrow morning!
That’s in re a bartender that Leah met last night at the club with Luann and Ramona, and whom she is inviting over to this shitshow. She makes bad choices!
And then we get a special treat: We get a cameo from RHONY alum Heather Thomson!
Whom everyone hates except me, I honestly don’t get it! She's one of my favorite Housewives ever because she had that sort of Greek chorus common sense that Bethenny and Leah both have but she ALSO had a fucking temper and liked to shit on bitches! I actually miss her especially cuz she used to tussle with Ramona all the time. Seriously why all the hate for Heather Thomson?! I mean yeah, the constant “Hollaaaa!” and calling people “mama” is annoying I suppose but she used to work for Puffy! It was the 2000s! She comes by it honestly! Maybe! IDK JUSTICE FOR HEATHER THOMSON!
Especially because she shades Luann right out the gate.
It’s a classic “You have a baby! In a bar!” from Sweet Home Alabama moment and we have no choice but to stan, especially because she set a trap for Ramona and Ramona walked riiiiiiight into it. She’s like “No, I’m complimenting her show.”
LOL look at Luann’s can’t-sing-ass ass.
So mad! Ramona slickly backpedals by saying anyone can sing but Luann carries a whole show and who can do that???
And I'm like, oh, idk, every living music star alive but sure, Luann’s a legend I guess.
Anyway, back to Colin Cowie. Leah and Sonja are flirting with him in the most hilariously embarrassing way possible.
And… Colin Cowie… replies with… this???
“I put my slut to sleep”????? What the fuck COME GET YOUR MANS HE EATS PPL I SWEAR TO GOD. Like what the fuck is this?! Why would you— what does this— who would say—
You know what let’s just leave it and look at this picture of Dorinda eating a lamb chop like a goddamn cave woman.
The next unmitigated disaster in this house of horrors is when this young gay Dorinda invited to dinner starts talking about how he wants to get Big D and Ramona on the dating apps and Ramona, because she just doesn’t have an ounce of sense, says the quiet part out loud.
I mean, technically she whispers it confidentially to Young Gay but SHE IS MIC’D UP ON A HOT SET SO, YA KNOW. Good lord.
Anyway dude is absolutely disgusted. He's all, “It matters more to you how much money he has than whether he loves you?” And Ramona's like no, but men don't like it when you have more money than them because it makes their wieners sad!
And yo, that sounds like something that is probably absolutely true because men are big dumb babies (see above re genocide all men!), but look how just absolutely revolted this dude is by her!
And then he just fucking ICES her as only a gay man can. Honestly, it blessed me! Because I am virulently homophobic and possessed of a downright cancerous envy toward all persons younger than I, I was like "Hmm, homoxual, clearly no older than 30, runs in a circle that intersects with gazillionaires, yes this is a classic garbage gay, a sodomy-enthusiast demon from hell in a well-tailored Varvatos sportcoat please push him in front of a locomotive." And, I mean, I’m right, that’s exactly what he is (you think I don’t know my own people?) but this tete-a-tete with Ramona tells me he’d be more than willing to pull the guillotine cord if asked, and I’m so pleasantly surprised to be part-wrong!
Anyway, next we get a brief visit from our favorite person, Drunk Leah! First she makes out with Elyse (UGH, Elyse), who sadly has decided to quit her streak of lighting this show up like a Christmas tree with drama and literally does absolutely nothing this entire episode. I mean we’re literally in the last five minutes of the ep and this is the first I’ve mentioned her! UGH, Elyse.
Anyway she dykes out with Leah for a minute.
And then the bartender Leah likes comes over, and Dorinda catches wind that he’s a Berkshires local and works at the Red Lion Inn, where Dorinda waitressed in her young days to save up to move to New York, and blah blah blah she won’t let him talk to anyone but her.
And Leah is like that emoji that is just a face with the three horizontal lines on it.
But Dorinda is undeterred!
Jesus someone hit her in the face with a frying pan or something. For her part, Leah just gives up.
But at least we end on a laugh! Which is important! And so ends Berserkshires 2020! Dorinda rates it a solid 7 out of 10…
And says the fun far outweighed all the fighting, which was certainly true for us out in the provinces! And, look if nothing else, Melinda got her LIFE, henny!
And that, my friends, is the most important thing.
So okay, there’s your 14th episode, wow! Please like and subscribe and Patreon and all the things and I’m not gonna make the buttons cuz I am tried and you know the drill by now! Thank you for your time and attention and please remember your Blue Stone Manors ayyyyyyyy!!! (That’s the name of the episode, I didn’t come up with that joke, you need professional television writers for shit that good.)
Please do not get coronavirus in your body and please vote for Biden even if you live in a blue state because Trump just appointed an extremely shady Postmaster General to help him steal the election by invalidating mail-in ballots and a massive popular vote count is the only counter-narrative we will have to save us from an eternal Trump dictatorship and no I’m not kidding Google it and please don’t be dumb I know Biden sucks but he’s not a Nazi so! Pretty sweet deal in comparison please be an adult!
Okay I love you please wear a what? GODDAMN MASK! That’s right okay bye bye now!