Aaaaaaaaand we’re back! Hello! How are you doing! That’s good to hear! Do you remember where we left off last week because I don’t, and I am extremely too lazy to look!
But in this episode we are moving on to new milestones anyway so who cares! In the universe of our show it’s the day of Leah’s big 15th anniversary party for her streetwear fashion line, Married to the Mob, and that means I’m not thinking about last week but rather about the following two things! A, how much I love an obscure reference to mostly forgotten 1980s Michelle Pfeiffer movies, and 2, how much my boner is anticipating another glimpse at Leah’s hot ass New Yawk babydaddy Rob god I’m dripping already!!!
Too much? Well as a palate cleanser, here’s another thing I am thinking about in re: Married to the Mob and it is this magnificent and rightfully sold-out t-shirt.
It doesn’t have the same oomph without Leah angrily flinging her stripper nails while spitting this at Ramona Singer but nevertheless I want this t-shirt very badly! IDGAF if it’s $30 I want the black one and I want it now. Honestly t-shirts like this are the only thing that ever makes me wish I’d kept up with my fitness and had a good body. (I mean besides societal acceptance and not being a full pariah in the gay community hahahahahaha oh we have fun.) Imagine being like a rough-trade gay with a good body walking around the sex club in this Real Housewives t-shirt with the sleeves cut off?! Excuse me but that is sartorial sex! If I see one I’m just going to involuntarily present because turns out that’s my sexuality!
Anyway, I have gotten ahead of myself. Before we go to Leah’s big party we have all kinds of exposition! Like Ramona picking out her outfit for said party and saying without irony “I could be a stylist” and like lolol leeeeet's pump the brakes with all our physical might there, champ.
As a note, Ramona is so manic and twitchy and bobble-heady and blinks 437 times per second like she’s on angel dust or whatever the kids are snorting these days and it makes screencapping her fucking impossible and I’ve decided not to try anymore. I’ve had it. I’m tired, she’s insane, let’s just move to a place of acceptance. From now on (for the remaining like two episodes lol) we get what we get and it is this photo of her that looks like she’s rabid and growling at the cameramen while saying “I could be a stylist”! We love to see it!
Next in our exposition we check in Dorinda and her fucking hideous Christmas tree.
I can think of something better and it’s a nap literally under this Christmas tree as in in a grave and not having to look at this disgusting Christmas tree ever again because you have passed away THAT would be better Jesus fucking Christ that shit is ugly.
I mean it’s September now which means Target has a Christmas section so it’s as good a time as any to say this: If you are the type of person who puts up any kind of “designer” Christmas tree, I just need you to face the hard truth that you’re garbage and everyone in your life secretly hates you! Like seriously:
Christmas trees are meant to be cute and pretty and whimsical and ideally ever so slightly tacky they are not meant to be ~*design statements*~!!! EVERYTHING is a design statement nowadays for fuck’s sake Dorit from Real Housewives of Beverly Hills is out here ~*designing*~ Buca di Beppo banquet rooms can’t you people leave one goddamn thing alone?! And while I have you fuck your plain white lights too! They’re boring! It’s fucking Christmas! It’s the one time of year when it’s okay and expected to be garish! Get a fucking personality for once in your fucking life! Lean in! Jesus Christ I cannot STAND you people I hope your Christmas trees all catch fire while you sleep! Disgusting!
I’m gonna move on but please know that one of my deepest truths is the knowledge that one day, when I’m like 60, I am FINALLY going to fall in love and it is going to be with a person who likes designer Christmas trees and white lights and I’m gonna be like “of fucking course” and then leave him and die alone. And honestly it will be worth it! At least I’ll die in peace free from the terrorism of you fucking designer Christmas tree people and your stupid fucking white lights!
Jesus Christ I am so fucking angry. And don’t fill my comments and DMs up with your designer-tree-and-white-lights ~*hot takes*~ either except please do because ~*engagement*~
MOVING ON. Having absorbed the radical terrorism of Dorinda’s hideous piece of fucking shit from my ass Christmas tree, we go to the LaGuardia Airport La Quinta Inn & Suites™ to watch Sonja Morgan boss her intern around, per Sonja Morgan. She’s STILL remodeling that crumbling fucking townhouse and blathering on about rugs that don't show coffee stains or something I honestly have no idea.
And her intern is just smiling like "bitch you are full-tilt-boogie batshit insane and I better get a job out of this that launches me to the very PINNACLE of this capitalist hellscape or I will come back here and eat you alive while your daughter watches.”
Relatable! Anyway, Sonja blathers on a bit more and then, within the maelstrom of word salad, she says the thing I've been waiting to hear for three seasons.
SHE'S SELLING THE TOWNHOUSE!!! Oh thank fucking Christ OMG. I was gonna say our long national nightmare is over but that's definitely premature since we enter a pandemmy mere weeks after she said this so who knows how this actually turned out? BUT JUST THAT THE IMPULSE IS THERE IS SUCH A BUTTRESS AND A BALM!!! Seems like Sonja’s relieved too.
YO SON THAT MAKES *Googles RHONY ratings* 1,116,000 OF US. My god almighty I'm tired of hearing about this fucking house BURN IT DOWN AND TAKE THE INSURANCE MONEY IF YOU HAVE TO JUST *Maya Rudolph Big Mouth voice* GET RID.
Next she wanders around the LaQuinta putting down wee wee pads while babbling on to this poor intern about her dog's bathroom habits. Wonderful.
But listen I have something to say and it is this: Bathroom pads for dogs are fucking ridiculous. We domesticated dogs THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO but now suddenly just FACILITATING them PISSING AND SHITTING ON THE FLOOR has just been like NORMALIZED?!?! Like no offense but have you people considered TRAINING YOUR FUCKING DOG TO GO TO THE BATHROOM OUTSIDE LIKE A NORMAL FUCKING PERSON BECAUSE THAT IS LITERALLY THE MOST BASIC LEVEL OF RESPONSIBILITY FOR AGREEING TO OWN A DOMESTICATED ANIMAL LITERALLY WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH ALL OF YOU!
And don't start whining at me about being AbLeIsT aGaInSt DoGs or whatever fucking nonsense you crazy people get on, obviously if your dog has a ~*condition*~ and needs a safeguard that’s fine, we had a dog like that when I was little whompst was barricaded in the laundry room surrounded by a series of old beach towels any time we left the house because he just couldn't hold it longer than an hour or so! He was 937 years old and had been through enough and when he needed to go he needed to go and that was his right as a distinguished gentleman of advanced age! I get it! Woofy, wherever you are, may you rest unencumbered by the terrors of your excretory system and also my little brothers crawling around pulling on your tail all the time I am sorry you were a very good boy and we should have drowned them at birth!
But the rest of y'all are just too goddamn lazy to put in the work to train your fucking dog and that is egregious and you're fucking gross. You're fucking gross! Just letting your dog piss and shit in your house?! JUST GET A CAT! They traipse their piss and shit over every surface of your home no matter what you do but at least THEY have the goddamn DECENCY to do the actual pissing and shitting in a BOX that you fucking cat people for some reason think is fine and normal to keep in the bathroom so every guest who comes to your house has to smell their disgusting cat waste while just trying to take a piss and manage their social anxiety in peace and privacy and honestly this is a whole other thing don’t even get me started on fucking cat people ain’t a one of y’all right in the head but like if you’re going to let an animal defecate in the same building where you PREPARE AND EAT FOOD then at least get one that shits in a box somewhere hidden away with an appropriate level of shame!
Fucking wee wee pads what is the matter with all of you?! When you have kids are you going to just throw some old bedsheets on all your floors and let them shit down the front of the ottoman while they watch Paw Patrol??? You people are fucking WEIRD. You probably all have designer Christmas trees with white lights too man fuck you.
Anyway speaking of Christmas trees and dog piss here is Ramona’s Christmas tree which looks like it’s covered in dog piss I fucking hate it here.
In any case we’re at Ramona’s now, where Luann has come to have lunch. They start rehashing Mexico, and for all the talking and fighting down there nothing got resolved, so they're wondering what's gonna go down tonight at Leah's party.
Foreshadowing! And speaking of party conflicts guess who ELSE is fucking pissed off and coming to Leah's party tonight!!!
My close personal friend Elyse Slaine, who reads this Substack and follows me on Instagram! And Ramona is NOT having it!
She just laughs it off at first, but when Luann asks Ramona what exactly happened with her and my close personal friend Elyse Slaine who reads this Substack and follows me on Instagram, Ramona cuts her off and says “I have to go to the bathroom” and just runs down the hall. Which is ridiculous, since when does Ramona not love to character assassinate someone behind their back?! Luann is so unconvinced by Ramona’s display she rolls her eyes INTO THE CAMERA!!!
Then she remembers she's not allowed to do that and continues rolling them until they land on the camera MAN instead like “You’ve been here 12 years can you believe this shit?'“
I just stared at my laptop in shock! When these bitches start committing the cardinal sin of breaking the fourth wall you know they have just fucking had it!!! Luann’s about to get a call from HR about this but she doesn’t care! She’s that tired of all of it! This party is going to be such a mess.
Anyway Ramona comes back from the bathroom and opens up about my close personal friend Elyse Slaine who reads this Substack and follows me on Instagram--that someone once told Ramona to watch out because she's not "a girl's girl," and they turned out to be right. And apparently Luann also hates my close personal friend Elyse Slaine who reads this Substack and follows me on Instagram, because she's like what did I tell ya!
She says, "I had her number from the minute she walked in the door and it wasn't a 212" which is such funny classic snobby New Yorker humor and I love it. By the time I moved to New York in 2007 212 phone numbers were long since swallowed up so only O.G.s had it, all the cool youngs had a 646, but you couldn't even get that anymore either! I had to settle for a 917! But NOW you can't even get a 917, it's a 347 world now! Too bad I don't live in New York anymore because I may be living in Victorian street urchin-level poverty but at least I'm solidly in the middle of the New York City area code caste system!
LA was the same way when I lived there--you couldn't get a 213 anymore, it was all about that 323 life! Now that’s gone and there's 424 and all kinds of nonsensical shit, but what’s funny is the Valley is still just 818 because lololol ain’t nobody clamoring to rock a Valley phone number! In my day if people had an 818 you were like “Aww lol I’m sorry.” And if they had a 310 you tried to fuck ‘em cuz they had that West Side money and probably knew producers! Secure the bag, bb! Then every now and again some chaotic sociopath from San Dimas with a 626 would try to get your number in a bar and you'd be like, how bout you call the authorities and have them take you to federal prison instead. 626? Stranger danger! And then there were the REAL garbage bags, your 714 and 949 Orange County types. You wouldn't even talk to them, you'd just shove them into traffic.
Anyway this has been my tight-five about coastal area code snobbery please make sure to up your recurring Patreon donations in accordance with the value of this content!!!
Back to lunch with Lu and Ramona! Turns out, Ramona’s entire problem with my close personal friend Elyse Slaine who reads this Substack and follows me on Instagram is that Ramona brought her onto the show and she had the unmitigated temerity to *checks notes* befriend women besides Ramona.
My goodness. What a brazen, no-account garbageperson! Imagine! Talking to the other women you’re on set with for 12 hrs a day instead of sitting in a corner silently staring at the floor until Ramona deigns to speak to you! WhO wOuLd Do ThIs???? To quote Meg Ryan in the classic 90s rom-com French Kiss, “Donnez-moi une break!” amirite???
Anyway, Ramona goes into more detail about how she feels about my close personal friend Elyse Slaine who reads this Substack and follows me on Instagram (I am 100% spamming you all with this new Elyse joke for the remaining duration of this series. Your Patreon dollars at work!) and listen, L O L O L O L…
Hmm let’s see social climber, manipulative, fake LOL BITCH TAKES ONE TO KNOW ONE!
I swear to God, Ramona Singer. Her mind!!! This woman is a lunatic. Have you ever met someone with such a profound and unending DEARTH of self-awareness? This is like how my mom used to yell at me about how pessimistic I was and I'd be like "HOE WHO DO YOU THINK I GOT THAT FROM?!" I'd come home from school like, "Mom I actually got an A in Algebra can you believe????" And she'd be like "Oh great now you can get into a good COLLEGE and get some fantastic JOB where your BOSS calls you into his OFFICE to CHASTISE you for using PINK highlighter instead of GREEN on the INVOICES keep up the good WORK kid it's all WORTH IT IN THE END especially once your husband LEAVES YOU with a BABY for some FLOOZY from accounts PAYABLE" while punctuating each syllable by hurling tater tots and fish sticks onto a cookie sheet with the accumulated rage of a woman scorned.
And look she was 100% right about all of that life is hell and men are trash but I mean is it any WONDER I am a pessimistic stubborn asshat piece of shit?!?! Look whompst I learned from! YOU ALRIGHT I LEARNED IT BY WATCHING YOU!
Anyway that's Ramona, is my point. Now it is time to go to Leah's big party! It's full of the kind of people that I have never and will never be cool enough to hang out with, like this woman!
Like I would have an actual social anxiety panic attack if I peeked through the fucking WINDOW at this party, let alone came to it. If I actually went inside I would spend the entire time hiding in a corner like a creeper longingly staring at cool nerds like this guy.
My absolute kryptonite, a cool nerd, UGH my god. As long as they don't talk because all they ever talk about is like video games and comic book shit and like philosophy and socialism and I could not possibly care less about any of that shit. Except for socialism, that’s my shit, but socialISTS tend to be insufferable, like I get it, these nachos I'm eating are abusive to both workers and the environment and I'm a bourgeois bootlicker for having been willing to vote for Hillary Clinton in order to stave off the second coming of Hitler I'm fucking SORRY but could I interest you in SHUTTING THE FUCK UP FOREVER AND EVER AMEN, LIAM???
Anyway given how downtown-cool the party is, Leah's worried that these uppity women are gonna be shitheads about it.
And sure enough Dorinda is like GASP downtown?! Sweatpants?! TSHIRTS?! I could never!
And like hello Leah's entire company is $47,000 sweatpants and t-shirts and like the entire fashion industry is ~*athleisure*~ now which is why I can never find any fucking clothes to wear because that shit makes me look like a lesbian golfer taking time off to build a deck on her house or some shit! It’s been YEARS of this, like I just—what on earth is Dorinda on about? At least she has self-awareness about how poorly she fits in though!
Anyway let’s sublimate our rage by looking a Rob's hot ass.
Ugh, FUCK. Verbally abuse me in that New York accent. I mean it, crush my spirit until I can never love again, daddy!
Anyway my close personal friend Elyse Slaine who reads this Substack and follows me on Instagram shows up and BITCH SHE’S PISSED AND READY. She’s wearing magenta to symbolize rage! Her cheekbones are sharpened into blades! SHE EVEN PUT ON HER FIGHTING EYELASHES FOR THE OCCASION LET’S FUCKING GO!!!
She asks Dorinda and Leah what the fuck Ramona's problem is and they're like LOL how much time ya got but also IDK she just said you're not friends anymore. And she’s like YOU’RE FUCKIN-A RIGHT WE’RE NOT!
Then Leah reveals that while they were in Mexico, Ramona straight-up forbade her from inviting my close personal friend Elyse Slaine who reads this Substack and follows me on Instagram to this party.
Who fucking behaves like this?! Anyway Elyse is ready to fight this bitch and so am I. But of course, she’s not even in the building yet so we must seethe for a while first. Luann arrives and Dorinda immediately seizes on Luann like isn't this ridiculous everyone's in their pajamas and even LUANN'S sartorially impaired TJ Maxx-ass ass is like bitch it's a street-wear brand what is your damage?
Then Sonja shows up and she's just being an entire, comprehensive fool not even hiding the fact that she is 100% here to get her dick wet with a 20-something and WE DO NOT DESERVE HER.
Meanwhile Dorinda is being a fucking grandma.
Nothing gets the party poppin like talking about the cessation of menarche! Hard to watch. Tough stuff. Thankfully we have Sonja as a counterpoint, because she is just fulling getting her fucking life!!!
And bless these dude’s hearts, I couldn’t get a good screengrab of it, but they’re like, “Guess we’re partying with this weird white lady!” and grab her and dance sexy on her and make her a part of their posse. And you know Sonja, she just doesn’t even try to be cool. Can’t be bothered with all that!
She’s totally unfazed by the obvious! She’s like “Listen real talk I’m old as fuck.”
(PLEASE note dude’s friend in the Yankees hat looking at the camera like “LOL you white people man, I’ll tell you what!”)
And dude’s just like “LOL yeah.” And Sonja don’t give a single shit!
Honestly to have the confidence and devil-may-care attitude of one Sonja Tremont Morgan for just five minutes! I have never had this much FUN, let alone game, even at the peak of my powers!!! I am going to die alone.
ANYWAY! I cannot wait for Ramona to get to this party because she's going to fucking hate it so much AND get dragged by my close personal friend Elyse Slaine who reads this Substack and follows me on Instagram!
SPEAKING OF WHICH. Here we fucking go!!!
LOOK. AT. ELYSE. WATCHING. RAMONA. ARRIVE.
Look at ol’ dude in the background WATCHING Elyse watching Ramona arrive! I mean! The DRAMA! The STAKES! She's going to EAT HER JUGULAR in front of all these people wearing couture sweatpants I swear to god.
Anyway Ramona walks right past Elyse to go suck Leah’s mom Bunny's ass, and while she’s doing that, Elyse sidles up and shoots her shot and bitch, I gasped.
Look at Leah like “Oh shit!” Ramona just laughs and is like “I don’t know her dot Mariah Carey dot gif”!
Elyse tries to grab Ramona by the arm and whirl her around but fur coats are slippery! She loses her grip and looks back to Leah like “Can you believe this bitch?” And in a moment that made me gasp my uvula directly into my rectum, Leah nudges Elyse like she’s about to miss her entrance in the 4th grade Christmas play like “Go! Go!”
GIVE LEAH A PRODUCING CREDIT OR I AM BOYCOTTING EVERYTHING ANDY COHEN TOUCHES!!! “Go. Go.” I mean!!! Put THAT on a t-shirt! And thank God for Leah, because Elyse is totally discombobulated on account of she’s a normal person who momentarily forgot she’s on TV, so Leah whirls her around just in time for her to still be able to make a scene! Phew!
(Please also enjoy this bystander who’s like, “Bitch if you so much as brush against me and my scarf I will strangle you with the collar of that blouse I swear to God fuck around and find out.”)
Elyse goes over to Ramona and gets RIGHT UP IN HER FACE AND LAYS HER OUT AND I FUCKING CHEERED!!!! I CHEERED!!!!!!!
I mean seriously, you know I’ve been hard on my close personal friend Elyse Slaine who reads this Substack and follows me on Instagram, but like this is very good!!! Imagine Dorinda trying to do this, she’d be falling down drunk and say something like “You are an EXPLICATIVE, parenthetical HYDROLOGIST and you have no EQUITY in my SUPERNOVA. NONE!” And, like, it’d still be funny because Ramona doesn’t know any words beyond two syllables and would just assume that everything Dorinda said is WILDLY offensive and then bobblehead accordingly, but like still! Duplicitous?! Nefarious?! We stan a vocabulary queen!!!
Anyway Ramona, because she's a punk-ass bitch, can’t take all this heat and just straight-up leaves. Hahahahahahahahahahaha.
And now Leah is pissed at her too!
I honestly do not know what brings me more joy: Elyse—or anyone, for that matter— gutting Ramona like a fucking fish with SAT words or Leah not even trying to hide that she knows exactly how reality television sausage gets made and just jumping in with both hands to ~*produce*~ the ~*content*~ ICON SHIT!!!
Before we move on let’s please enjoy Elyse watching Ramona storm off, which is my new reaction meme for literally everything going forward for the rest of my lie.
Anyway my close personal friend Elyse Slaine who reads this Substack and follows me on Instagram is disgusted and furious in particular because she has always backed up Ramona in all her dramas with the other women, and Dorinda is like LOL ~*whatever for, my love*~ and we get another perfect Dorinda malapropism.
Huge thanks to the editors for making the captions actually reflect the creative process of Dorinda landing on this malapropism. Really great work, congrats to the whole team!
Anyway let’s see what Sonja’s up to oh nothing much just answering a dude’s statement that he likes Captain Morgan with the most perfect one-liner ever written in the English language.
Seriously. For five minutes. To have this kind of game for five minutes. And then, as if we haven’t been blessed enough, she turns to Leah and drags everyone on this fucking show.
Seriously if the rumors of retooling this entire show around Leah next season are true I’m totally fine with that but I also think a spin-off that is just Leah and Sonja getting into trouble in bars is a conversation whose time has come. Lemme go text my boy who works at Bravo real quick.
Anyway, the drama having subsided, Leah gives her big 15th anniversary speech and puts Bunny on the spot to say a few words.
And well… she acquits herself admirably. She talks about how she would’ve responded if Leah had ever asked for her input about starting Married to the Mob.
And says those words Leah wants to hear most.
And I know I'm broken and everything but goddammit this made my eyes wet!
Parents this is all your children want! Literally this is it!
Just, like, let them be them and clap for it that’s literally it! Unless they’re like a murderer or whatever then you should chain them up in the garage or whatever. Anyway, a happy ending to Leah’s mama drama AND her party! Hooray! The women all toast her and Luann says this thing.
Which is funny because LOL Leah has taken over this show and YOU are a part of HER mob now not the other way around, Luann! Use the hiatus to get used to it!
Next we go to the following day, where Luann is FaceTiming with Ramona in a cafe while waiting for a writer to join her for lunch because, Christ fucking help us, she’s writing a book.
This woman is a terrorist.
The writer arrives and Ramona's like “make her a bestseller” and look, I'm not so naive to think this isn't how it all works but this truly makes me want to be coated in concrete and dropped into the sea by a helicopter. Like contra this stupid Substack and my idiot social media posts I CAN ACTUALLY WRITE EXTREMELY WELL OKAY GO READ MY BLOG AND MEDIUM ACCOUNTS I AM LIKE VERY TALENTED EVEN MY MOM SAYS SO AND SHE HATES MY GUTS! I would kill to have a book deal! And this woman who isn’t even a writer is going to make a million dollars off this book she’s hiring someone else to write FOR her?! Not on my watch! It’s egregious! And like have I done literally NOTHING to get myself a book deal because I’ve spent my entire adult life oscillating between wild mental illness and crippling self-doubt and then using those as excuses to just do nothing YES but is that the point NO and so in conclusion have points been made YES THEY HAVE AND YOU CAN TAKE THAT AND READ IT IN YOUR BOOK CLUB FUCKO😤
*smooths hair back into place* Anyway. Luann starts going into why she wants to write a book.
People think she’s some kinda silver-spoon lady but listen guys, that is absolutely not the case!
This writer gets it. This is a story that needs to be told.
But then Luann gets all the way real. Turns out, alcoholism runs in Luann’s family—she got it from her father, who she adored despite his problems.
But his problems became her problems—turns out, he too ended up in jail with shackles on his feet because of his drinking. Luann gets really emotional as she talks about how when this happened to her, she felt like she finally understood her father in a sort of transcendent way. And FUCK that got me.
I don't want to get into the weeds cuz we’re all here to have a good time, but I had a mental breakdown a few years back, and in the therapy that ensued, learned that my mother is probably mentally ill too and I inherited it from her. And suddenly all the dark shit from our time together made so much sense. But then I realized that when she went through her breakdowns, she didn’t even have time to breathe through them, let alone get help or heal, because she had a kid to keep alive all on her own. I’m not making excuses for her, but I can’t imagine being in that position. To realize this felt like being struck by lightning. Those moments where you have an almost out-of-body experience of standing in your parents’ shoes for a second... Whew, fuck. That is... not a joke.
And for Luann, it has left her with a sort of “there but for the grace of God go I” feeling about her father, and damn…
I TAKE IT ALL BACK GO WRITE A BOOK LUANN FUCK *sobs to absolute fucking death*
That said Jesus God this dress is ugly. What the fuck is that string of pearls just like horizontal across her breasts? Why? No offense but did someone’s kid make this as a project at school? The entire dress is crooked. I am confounded. Confounded!
Thankfully, it’s now time for us to go to another party—this one for Dorinda’s 55th birthday! Hooray! But first we must relish in Dorinda using her party to drag Ramona for hers.
Delicious. And it gets better. Here's why I gotta be friends with Dorinda Medley: This woman has more money than God but when it's time to throw herself a birthday party this is where she takes you:
Weird Russian restaurant with weird Russian lady with a weird Russian perm just standing outside awkwardly smiling at everyone? YES PLEASE!
I fucking love this kind of old-school shit. I was 100% born in the wrong era because I love anything like this, any kind of weird, vaguely shady place where weird, vaguely shady people like that lady smiling at us like she’s going to eat us come to hang out and smoke Benson & Hedges and drink like, I don’t know, chablis or whatever and just be generally weird and vaguely shady. I love it! In my New York days, my favorite bar was this long-departed place called Paradise in the East Village that had been there since like the Crimean War and look, was all the seating just salvaged formica booths from a high school cafeteria, yes, and did it have a bit of a roach problem, also yes, but the beer was like $4 and you could practically smell the Jean-Michel Basquiat and Madonna making out in the corner of it all, plus the jukebox was great and the 936-year-old Polish owner was STILL the bartender and boy howdy had he just had ENOUGH. It was fantastic!
Anyway Dorinda's weird birthday party is in a place that looks like some spot where Michael Douglas and Glenn Close would meet to fuck in a bathroom stall while threatening each other’s lives (that is a Fatal Attraction reference and if it went over your head you are a culturally illiterate piece of shit. Don’t forget to donate to this project on Patreon!) and it is just extremely my shit! I’d kill to be there, rubbing elbows with Dorinda’s daughter Hannah wearing a like cape or something in the exact same bedazzled dead grandma’s afghan pattern as Dorinda’s pants in Mexico!
I don’t hate this just like I didn’t hate Dorinda’s pants and I am not going to argue about this with any of you! (Do you hear me, BROOKE?)
Anyway, for some reason Dorinda invited her recently dumped boyfriend John Bahdessian. He arrives and Sonja’s like, that was a nice gesture and LOL, Leah is not about the fuckshit.
And as if this guest list weren’t chaotic enough, Colin Cowie’s weird Big Cannibalism Energy ass arrives. But his fiancé is hot as fuck so there’s that.
Anyway Colin and Luann are like it’s about to be 2020 can you believe?!
And lololololol if they only fucking knew the half of what 2020 would be Jesus fucking Christ. And don't you dare get on some “Thank God it’s 2/3 over!” bullshit thinking 2021 is going to be an improvement! It will be Handmaid's Tale crossed with Contagion and you fucking know it PLEASE POISON ME TO DEATH PLEASE!!!
But for now, it’s still 2019 for a few more weeks, and everyone’s happy and blissfully unaware of the imminent collapse of everything we have ever held near and dear including many of our actual lives! And the woman of honor is happy as a clam and ready to rage!
She greets John Bahdessian and it’s not only Leah who’s not about the fuckshit. Hannah is not here for this!
The party kicks off and Dorinda's having a great time! God forbid she should be he center of attention on her own birthday, though! Thankfully, Ramona shows up hella late but right on time, tits hanging out and all, to steal Dorinda’s thunder!
She comes in bobbleheading at 90 mph about about how hot everyone is and I actually yelled “BITCH SIT DOWN” out loud at my computer and my roommate had to respectfully request that I shut the fuck up because he was trying to teach A.P. Biology to the leaders of tomorrow via Zoom! But sorry who behaves like this?! Who comes in late and makes a fucking entrance at a birthday party that is not theirs?! Staggering. No one says anything about it at the party, but in the privacy of her confessional interview Leah drags this absolute leaking Hefty bag of unadulterated garbage directly out to the curb and leaves her for the garbage men to carry off to Garbage Island!
LOL if this ain’t it. “Please excuse Ramona, she is a full-tilt heap of sun-ripened pig shit simply because she knows not what she does, much like a dog who pisses and shits on a wee wee pad because no one taught it any better.” How’s that for a call back DON’T THINK YOU’RE OFF THE HOOK JUST BECAUSE WE’RE AN HOUR DEEPER INTO THE EPISODE WEE WEE PAD PEOPLE.
Anyway the party continues and everyone’s jolly. Dorinda is ribbing Sonja for not knowing that having every app open on your iPhone kills the battery, so she's going through Sonja's apps closing them, and Luann... I guess... can't help herself? She turns it into a whole thing of Dorinda being a hypocrite because she got mad at Sonja and Leah for working during breakfast in Mexico!
Why on earth would you do this?! At someone’s birthday party! With Dorinda especially?! Now Big D is pissed and gets that special psychopathic look in her eye.
Be real this is some Jack Nicholson The Shining shit! Naturally this is Ramona’s cue to jump in where she’s absolutely not needed and make it worse!
And now Luann and Ramona are like ganging up on D because she's getting belligerent and sorry, I know she’s a rageaholic or whatever but I'm on Dorinda's side here. At her fucking birthday party?! How fucking dare you! Go home!
Thankfully it all stops short of truly jumping off because John Bahdessian’s awkward ass wants to make a speech.
Like sir why??? Your mere attendance here is a gesture, and are you my sweet little huggy bear who probably deserves better than what you got yes probably! But still dude you gotta shut up! Even Dorinda is like bro really?
Everyone is so weirded out. Peep Leah’s no-poker-face-ass ass.
But in the end it's a very nice speech and it seems like maybe John Bahdessian and Dorinda have come to an understanding, which is all one can ask for with matters of the heart!
But as weird as John Bahdessian’s speech was? Bitch it has NOTHING on Luann’s messy ass. She starts launching into her and Dorinda’s origin story and like… what?
And Leah is like MA’AM.
Luann is obviously drunk and going on and on and on, saying weird shit like "We never lost our embrace," which is Dorinda-level word salad.
And honestly everyone’s low-key losing their minds?
Everyone is like the fuck is this bitch talking about. So Ramona jumps in and is like, bitch gimme the mic it’s enough. And hoo boy! Luann doesn’t like that one bit!
And Ramona’s like “Hoe this is not The Countess and Friends!”
And Luann is like oh isn’t it?
And bitch EVERYONE’S BRAINS SHATTER INTO DUST! Look at that man next to Luann! And now look at Leah!
And now look at Ramona!
And Luann just! Keeps! Going! And Dorinda is just openly laughing at her!
But Luann is undeterred! Leah has been sent fully around the bend, but even people who are just at the restaurant not even affiliated with this shitshow are having acute psychotic episodes right along with her, like this guy behind her who’s like “Ey yo the fuck haha!”
In her interview, Dorinda’s like “LOL it never fails.” Luann ALWAYS finds an excuse to sing! And then Dorinda does this thing where she lists off random locations and then does an impression of Luann popping up out of nowhere and singing happy birthday.
Such as at a car wash.
Prob doesn’t translate to screencaps but it was one of the funniest things I’ve ever watched. Anyway let’s check in and see how Leah’s doing!
Oh cool, completely psychologically destroyed and in desperate and immediate need of emergency psychiatric triage! Great party!
But ultimately they all just dissolve into laughter and have one hell of a time.
And in her interview, Dorinda says that for all their drama, there's a reason they've all been friends for literal decades.
Aww! I mean one thing you can say for this show—most of the other Housewives all seem to sincerely hate each other’s guts, but these ladies go way back and really seem to genuinely love each other. Which is really sweet! Man, I’m really gonna miss Dorinda a lot. Sigh.
Well so there you go! I thought this was the finale but apparently IMDB doesn’t know what it is saying about because that is false! There is one more! And then like 15 reunion episodes or whatever so we still have a bit more time together with these wackjobs. So hooray!
Ok then, I know I usually have some closing joke here but I cannot think of anything today so that’s the end. You’re great and thanks for reading and tell a friend and take care of yourselves and each other!!