At long last, we have reached the finale of this accursed season! It’s been fun and all but personally I have had enough! You know that Ben Franklin saying about wearing out your welcome that’s like “Guests, like fish, begin to smell like fucking shit after three days” or whatever it was? Well *gestures at everything* I have sincerely been in a Taylor Armstrong place with this show for like over a month.
Exclusive footage of me watching this show for the past six weeks look how good my lip injections look!!!
At least, though, this finale is fucking BONKERS.
I mean, it is just a mess. Good mess or bad mess? Who’s to say! But if nothing else, it gave us a splashy ending to assuage the pain of A—Dorinda Medley officially exiting our lives and 2—the fact that season 13 will probably never happen because we live in a plague state from which we are unlikely to ever escape before all of these women have succumbed to the grave! Which makes me realize something infuriating—after spending an entire season forcibly watching Luann rehearse her stupid fucking cabaret show the cabaret show in question will never even HAPPEN! There is literally no payoff for having endured any of this! I am angry in a way of which I did not know I was capable VOTE BIDEN.
At least we get a preview of Luann’s cabaret in this episode though, and that is surely as embarrassing as the real thing. So there’s that. And that, I suppose, is as good a segue into this shitshow of an episode as anything so let’s go.
Once again, we open with a little montage of each woman doing, you know, absolutely nothing of any fucking import, but it does give us an update on Ramona’s disgusting Christmas tree:
Turns out it wasn't finished yet when we saw it last week and it no longer looks like a dog pissed on it! Great news! However it still sucks! This tree sucks! Look at it, it sucks! This tree belongs in a Nordstrom displaying a collection of silver ornaments designed by like idk Christian Siriano. Does he design housewares? Probably not he's too busy making the best red carpet dresses this country has ever seen. (I said what I said, Elie Saab.) Anyway my point is this designer tree sucks and it makes me fucking mad.
Quick question though do you guys typically decorate your Christmas tree in a floor length dress with your undergarments showing or nah? Yeah same.
Next we go to the LaQuinta Inn and Suites LaGuardia Airport West to check in on Sonja, who is torturing that poor awkward intern from last week, Destiny. They're tallying up RSVPs for Sonja’s "Drag Queen Bingo Party" which sounds fun doesn't it? Yeah well don't get your hopes up. We'll get there later. For now, Sonja is annoyed that no one has RSVP’d except Leah.
And the intern is like lol oh okay so white people are CRAZY crazy cool cool I’m learning so much at this internship!
Via Sonja’s FaceTime we pop in on Dorinda, who's just had some kind of weird carbuncle removed from her hand so she's on Vicodin.
So that’s great, should work wonders for this episode’s social events vis à vis her wild capacity for unbridled rage!
After a brief check in with Leah’s boxing coach, who as you might remember is played by the Rock Biter from The Neverending Story, we finally land upon our first scene. And reader, it is harrowing.
Luann DeLesseps has yet ANOTHER song coming out. And this time she is recording with Desmond Tutu or something IDK I can’t remember but it’s Desmond somebody. Oh wait there’s a chyron on the screencap. Child! Desmond Child. Obviously I will be calling him Destiny’s Child for the rest of the recap. Anyway he wrote “Living on a Prayer” by Jon Bovi! Also “Livin’ La Vida Loca” by one Enrique Martin! Speaking of whompst! I need to pause to point out two things: A, “Livin’ La Vida Loca” contains the worst lyric in the history of the English language which is “Her skin’s the color mocha” so let’s take Destiny’s Child’s accomplishments here with a grain of salt and 2, last year on my birthday, Ricky Martin gave me this video and I have never recovered.
Were you ready for the surprise climax of that video?! I was not! This video broke my weiner! I’m not kidding! I got hard so fast it split into ribbons like a piece of string cheese and now I hold it together with a series of rubber bands because I have shitty health insurance! Music’s Ricky Martin ladies and gentlemen!
Oh dear I see my Substack has been hacked again I am very sorry for this vulgarity in any case here’s my Patreon link!
Anyway! Destiny’s Child has written some heavy-duty shit so what in the absolute Christ is he doing with Luann? My friend Cat DM’d me like, "He must need a bathroom remodel or something." Truly the only explanaysh. Or a kidney? A black-market baby? Hella meth? SOMETHING. Because I bet Luann's songs make a lot of money from people like me and my roommate who hate-stream “Chic C'est La Vie” like once a week as a joke. America may be crumbling into dust but the people-doing embarrassing-shit-because-they-know-a-monetized-click-is-a-monetize-click-is-a-monetized-click economy is forever! We live in hell! Did I mention I have a Patreon?
But I digress. Destiny’s Child has a new song for Luann and you will never guess who helped write it. Carol Bayer Sager and Jay Landers. Who the fuck are they? The people who did BARBRA STREISAND’S LAST ALBUM.
WHAT IN GOD’S NAME IS HAPPENING. For those of you who don’t watch this unmitigated overflowing outhouse of a show, Luann CANNOT SING. I mean, here’s “Chic C’est La Vie,” for context.
THAT IS JUST HER TALKING!!! That is a monologue! Set to music! I mean, I guess see above re a click is a click is a click and, like, maybe Barbra’s team wants a new pool or a trip to Fiji or whatever? But still! “You got the Barbra team”?!?!?! Whatever for???
Anyway, here is what the song is called.
LOLOLOLOLOL let’s die.
Also we need to talk about Desinty’s Child’s... I don’t know man, his entire thing? It's weird and bad and I don't understand it and the hair and the BRAID. The braid! It gives me anxiety, like I just want to leap through this laptop with a box cutter and ~*remove it*~ Also. SUNGLASSES IN THE IN OF DOORS?! WHY?! It’s just… I… this is, as Tim Gunn used to say, a lot of look. It’s a lot of look!
Anyway in case you weren't clear which Barbra they are talking about in these screencaps Luann turns to this girl who's accompanied her WHO IS NEVER EXPLAINED TO US AT ANY POINT and clarifies.
Just in case you were confused and thought maybe it was Oscar-nominated star of Beaches Barbara Hershey or Barbara Weston the eldest daughter of Dr. Harry Weston on Empty Nest or Barbara the chaotic girl I went to high school with who got sent to juvie for shoplifting at the Ralph Lauren store in the next town over! No, it is none of those, it is Barbra Streisand! In any case who ever that young lady is (why is she there?! whompst is she?!) I'm p sure she has no idea who Barbra Streisand is or wtf is happening but honestly she might just be so stunned by Desmond's grooming and sartorial choices she can't speak. Who's to say!
Anyway, in re: “Viva La Diva,” what has Barbra's team cooked up for Luann?
Mind you all of this is just spoken. It's just Luann talking! About breast implants! Or something! Just talking! Not even like speak-singing, like, say, this wonderful Madonna song for instance!
(I will not rest until the number of you I have turned into Madonna fans equals the number of intelligent, erudite people I have turned into regular RHONY watchers. I am here to RECAP EPISODES and RUIN LIVES and I’m FRESH OUT OF EPISODES so!)
Anyway THAT is a speak-singing ~*performance*~! There’s EMOTION! There’s ATMOSPHERE! Also please note that the last line of that song is, “And if you still really want pussy, ha, just look in the mirror, baby.” Let’s see “the Barbra team” write something like THAT! They haven’t got the range!
But we are not hear to talk about deep cuts from Madonna’s seminal 1992 masterpiece Erotica! The point is, there’s speak-singing and then there’s what Luann is doing, which is just--there's no other word for it--LOUDLY DECLAIMING these words about buying boobs and finding your inner diva (I guess?) as if reading them off a piece of paper that came out of a communal printer like, "Oops this isn't mine, who printed ‘See these they don't grow on trees’?" It's… astonishing and I am so embarrassed on her behalf I almost can't watch anymore so let’s check in with whoever this girl Luann brought with her is and see what she thinks.
Huh! Not much I reckon! In any case, Luann finishes her first take of “Viva La Diva” and Desmond has some notes! Which he stores underneath the flap that leads to his fucking braid get! me! out! of! here!
Instead of just loudly blurting words into a microphone he would like her to, for instance, do literally anything else! So he tells her to be sexy, and she just… starts… moaning? Into the mic?
My soul left my body! And that’s before we get to the backup "singing" on this track, which is just a Black woman saying, "Sho nuff" and "That's right"! And THAT’S all before we get to the hook which is just Luann moaning "Viva La Divaaaaaa" like a dying raccoon, but hoo boy is she into it!
I have to go bleed out in a warm bath now goodbye!
Anyway, Luann finishes laying down the vocal (lolwat) and is like “I know you have some mixing to do” and it’s like lol yes "some mixing" yes just a bit of light "mixing" Luann lolololololololollllllllllllllllll *dies*
Anyway in case you were wondering we literally never find out who the hell this traumatized young woman is. We never find out! They just leave and she is never seen or spoken of ever again!
I hope she's ok.
Next, we go to Dorinda touring her old apartment that's being gut-remodeled and literally WHOMPST CARES and nothing happens, but we do get three wonderful moments.
Dorinda talks about her disgusting cyst that she just had removed from her hand in entirely too much details like she’s my insane Southern grandma who’d go to the grocery store and when the cashier would ask her how she’s doing she would ~*answer sincerely*~ and be like, “Well henny I’ll tell you what, why, I got a hemorrhoid that like to kill me GOOD LORD I told that doctor I said why I haven’t had a pain in the ass this big since my husband put a rifle in his mouth and shot and killed hisself!😂😂😂” and the cashier would be like:
“C-… c-cash or check?”
Then we see the woman I WISH had been my grandmother, Dorinda's bonkers batshit berserk realtor who is a fucking icon I mean look at her!!!!
Can you be certain she’s not undead who’s to say!!!
And then, finally, we see Dorinda say 2020 is gonna be her year LOLOLOLOLOLOL WHO AMONG US?!
Who among us on New Year's Eve wasn’t like, “You know what the past 20 years have been absolute shit but now it’s a new decade and I am CLEANING THE SLATE and MAKING THE MOVES and CHOOSING MY CHOICE!” then cut to March and now, six months later, we all have that EXACT look that Dorinda has up there, just dishevelled and broken and staring into the abyss like “welp” hahahahahahahahaha wow every day is a winding road!!!
Moving on! Now we go with Ramona over to Sonja’s, where the latter is overseeing the remodeling of her townhouse to get it ready for sale. They go into her old bedroom and it's completely redone!
If you don’t watch this show regularly this will be lost on you but, like, Sonja’s old bedroom was, like, ICONIC!
I mean this is where we got some of our best Sonja moments! Like her watching TV in bed in a tiara for some reason!
And Sonja buried by detritus on some Grey Gardens shit!
Remember her sniffing her panties to see which were clean and dirty while sorting through jury summons and eating soup?!
Remember how there’s just a bottle of Chloraseptic in there with her for no reason? Why does she have so many eyeglasses?! I AM NOT READY TO SAY GOODBYE TO THIS BEDROOM. But if this is what it takes to get Sonja out of the LaQuinta Inn and Suites LaGuardia Airport West then so be it. Life is about change.
Speaking of which, she and Ramona talk about how Sonja was holding onto this place because it was her daughter's home base, but now she feels like she has to move forward and live life in the present.
And Ramona goes BONKERS out of nowhere and is like "LL! Living Life! That's my new mantra!"
She’s like JUMPING UP AND DOWN screaming “L.L.!” And like... what? L.L.? “Living life” is not even a catchphrase let alone “L.L.”! It’s not even an acronym! It’s just two letters put together! But she's going fucking crazy like she’s really onto something!
And even Sonja is like bitch you’re on bath salts aren’t you are you about to eat my throat?
And then we cut to Sonja's 47th intern, and this is clearly her first glimpse of Ramona's batshit crazy ass and she's just like…
“Her vision is based on movement just smile and hold still you are not safe here.”
But good news it gets worse! They go downstairs and Ramona likes Sonja’s new rug so much she decides she needs to ... lay down on it and do a photo shoot?
And Sonja's 793rd and 27th interns lose their minds.
Ramona is rolling around on the floor like Tawny Kitten in a Whitesnake video (fun fact Tawny Kitaen follows me on Twitter I have no idea why) and I'm sorry to be this person and we do not like this kind of talk but this is your friendly reminder that this woman is 63 years of age.
"Seductive" oh yeah my dick is absolutely THROBBING, just PULSING with ACHING SEXUAL NEED I mean what on fucking EARTH.
Honestly the episode should end there because we’ve already been through enough. But it doesn’t, so next we go with Bunny, Leah and her daughter Kier aka Kiki on an outing to “Abigail’s Kitchen” (whose what now?) to make gingerbread houses.
Cute!! Of course, Leah and Bunny start talking about their ongoing drama.
And Kiki is NOT about the fuckshit.
Leah's like I know you don't like everything I do but you do still need to accept and support me, and Bunny's like bitch I do!
And Leah's like:
And Bunny's all:
And Kiki’s like “Drag her, BunBun.”
Cuz turns out Leah’s full of shit and she told Bunny to fuck off first!
So they all share a big multi-generational Gilmore Girls laugh haha!
EXCEPT FOR CHEF ABBY WHO IS FUCKING MORTIFIED.
So Chef Abby definitely sucks cuz this shit is funny and I hope ~*Abigail’s Kitchen*~ goes out of business. JK no I don’t times are tough for America’s business owners I hope Chef Abby weathers the storm and her business thrives! But still. This is cute and funny! Although in Chef Abby’s defense I truly cannot imagine being a person in the service industry tasked with entertaining women like this. Abigail is just here to go viral on Housewives Instagram and get some clicks on her website she did not sign up for mother-daughter verbal abuse!!! Honestly I’m on Chef Abby’s side now.
Anyway just as we were finally having some fucking fun, now it’s time to go to Luann's invitation-only cabaret dress rehearsal and to be honest I began praying for death based on the pre-commercial preview alone. I am done. I am done with the cabaret. I am done! Remember that story in the 90s of the old lady who just spontaneously combusted in her easy chair? I began fervently praying for that. I rended my garments. I went outside and keened at the moon. I cut a baby's throat and burned a bowl of its blood as an offering to Satan. Anything I could do to make this fucking cabaret not happen. But nothing worked so here's what happened in Luann's goddamn fucking stupid piece of ass-shit cabaret rehearsal Jesus Christ.
Leah, bless her heart, has brought not one but two people with her--a friend, and her controversial sister Sarah. In the car on the way over, they discuss how LOLOLOL NOBODY IS COMING TO THIS SHIT. Dorinda “just had surgery” so she “can't come,” (convenient!) and Ramona just up and decided “lol fuck this shit” like half an hour ago. And Sonja's IN the cabaret, so that means Leah’s the only one coming! And she’s like, “I get the impression that…”
You are very astute, Leah McSweeney! WE ARE ALL SICK OF CABARET. They arrive and just before they go in, Controversial Sarah pauses and looks at Leah like they're going into their execution.
I screamed.
They get to their seats and first we must once again listen to this insipid, brown-nosing queen lick Luann’s perfectly bleached asshole.
God I hate him. Not for nothing but sometimes homophobia has a point. Anyway Luann finally shows up and it's off to the races or whatever.
Punch me in the stomach until I vomit to death.
The name of the show is “Marry, Fuck, Kill” because, as Luann explains, on her last tour she'd do a Q&A at every show and she'd always get asked to do a “marry, fuck, kill” by an audience member! Hahaha!
And sorry, but like…
Like you know this shit happened ONE TIME and it was some drunk asshole on the street yelling through the door of the theater to heckle her. In any case Luann hasn’t even done anything yet and this guy in the front row already wants to leave.
Luann goes into her opening jokes, and they’re all RHONY inside references and like, sorry, NOBODY KNOWS THESE REFERENCES UNLESS THEY ARE A SAD GAY SHUT-IN LIKE ME. Sure enough, front row guy is like:
Even Sonja is over this shit.
But she better wake up cuz now it’s time for her to come onstage!
And now BOTH front row dudes are like “lolwat.” They are done.
But honestly? Guys, Sonja is good at this! Luann makes her play Marry, Fuck, Kill with Dorinda, Ramona and Tinsley. And she’s a fucking natural!
I mean, not like this is boundary-breaking comedy or anything (and also, lol poor Tinsley) but she really is a natural. Like I get why she says she’s imprompTU and an artiste! Luann is like watching a Roomba do an impression of sentience but Sonja really has ~*presence*~ and ~*timing*~ I mean her delivery was *chef’s kiss* I wish I could show you the way she delivered that Dorinda line is was very perfect! Anyway, her set quite honestly kills. And for Leah's part, she was into it!
After the show, they all go backstage and Leah and Luann take turns dragging Ramona. Leah says she’s glad Ramona didn’t come because now she can flash her mons pubis unperturbed which, you know, really is a benefit!
And in her interview, Luann talks about how Ramona is all about girl power until it’s time for HER to be supportive. She’s like, it’s too bad Ramona couldn’t come because…
And look, you know I’m biased, but fuck Ramona! I mean this is the woman who stood in the middle of the street while cars whizzed past her dog and SCREAMED THIS at Bethenny Frankel!
That’s one of the most iconic gifs of all time! Fuck Ramona!
Anyway Sonja starts talking to Leah about how she needs to start taking better care of herself now that she's got all her business shit together, a point upon which she elaborates in her interview and listen…
We need to talk about this facelift that Sonja has had because it is fucking GOOD. I haven't wanted to mention it until I saw Sonja herself mention it (which she has recently) because IDK I am sensitive about Sonja Morgan! And just in general! People are very mean about plastic surgery shit and look, I am a trashperson from a flotsam flotilla on the Great Pacific Garbage Patch and I love to snicker at a botched facelift as much as the next trashperson from a flotsam flotilla on the Great Pacific Garbage Patch! But when we are all pushing 60 and starting to look, you know, like we’re pushing 60 we will look in the mirror and feel sad about it and don’t you dare tell me that if you had the resources you wouldn’t immediately go get that shit fixed! I mean, I’m only [redacted] years old but already every day I look in the mirror and I’m like “Oh good my face has begun turning into a pallid, pendulous bassett hound as per the genetic betrayal handed down through generation after generation of proud Ostrobothnian forefathers very cool!!!” Sometimes I even cry about it a little!
And look, am I dumb bitch sipping on a box of Dumb Bitch Juice like that dog in that meme? Yes! But is it also sad to get old? Also yes! It is very sad! Unless you are a straight man and then it just like doesn’t matter, but for the rest of us, especially those of us with the profound misfortune of liking to do sex with men, it means we are useless and invisible to entire swathes of humanity and are definitely going to die alone and unloved with a legacy that is instantly forgotten so!
I have absolutely no idea where I was going with this. Oh! So yeah, now that Sonja has broken her silence about this facelift I’m going to break my silence about this facelift because this facelift is fucking glorious! Not that she isn't gorgeous just looking her age because look, Sonja Tremont Morgan is an inhumanly beautiful woman! She looks like Kira from The Dark Crystal!!!
But... this facelift is VERY good, like the doctor should get an award. Let’s look at it again!
Art! Anyway, I guess the reason I’m sensitive about Sonja is precisely because of what Leah says about her while summing up her big night in Luann’s show.
Like sorry to be all *gestures at everything* but like, what’s compelling about Sonja, aside from the fact that she’s crazier than a shithouse rat in all of the funnest ways, is that when she’s truly being herself, there’s an undercurrent of sadness and familiarity with defeat. But then! The flip side to Sonja is that she just categorically refuses to let it matter. She just keeps going.
And I mean, yeah, it helps when you’re a beautiful rich white lady and I’m not trying to gloss over her enormous mountain of privilege, but still. It is not an easy row to hoe to be ~*in touch*~ with the profound sadness of human existence, no matter how much privilege you have. RuPaul calls these people “sweet sensitive souls who see through everything” (paraphrasally speaking). It’s not easy being one of those people. It reminds me of a Madonna song (lol) I love called “Love Tried To Welcome Me,” wherein she says, “I must confess that I am usually drawn to sadness / And loneliness has never been a stranger to me / Love tried to welcome me / But my soul drew back.” You end up kind of caught between worlds, bouncing back and forth, knowing too much.
And, lol, I’m sure you see where my broken ass is going here—I am one of these people, and it is fucking hard. Sonja is too, I think, and so’s Dorinda, for that matter, which is why I have such soft spots for them both in spite of themselves. We’re all three Sagittarii, so maybe it’s a Sagittarius thing. In any case, I feel for Sonja, and it has been a delight this season to see her finally come out on top.
This has been me getting sincere and emotional because of a facelift thank you so much for coming please push me in front of a car!
My goodness how embarrassing let’s get the absolute fuck out of here and go to the Drag Queen Bingo party Sonja is having to benefit GLAAD, which is Bravo for “an excuse to give us a big finish to the season that is not Luann’s stupid cabaret show!”
So Sonja loves the gays, or “the LGBTQ” as she calls it, God love her. She gets to the party looking fabulous and there’s drag queens everywhere! There’s one named Sahourny Beaver! *chef’s kiss*
Anyway, Sonja says it's gonna be a hot mess, and boy does she deliver.
BRB getting this screenshot tattooed on my face, because it’s my entire aesthetic.
Anyway per Sonja’s promise of a hot mess, the other women arrive and none of them have done drag right. I mean this is the FINALE! I yelled at my TV my friend Dana’s favorite insult, which is “Have you tried TRYING?” These hoes went full-throttle at Halloween but now AT THE SEASON FINALE DRAG PARTY they give us...
Norma Desmond in a sling.
And a chic-as-fuck disco queen.
Which, make no mistake, she looks amazing but of all people I expected Leah to really go for it tonight! I AM DISAPPOINT😤
And then Luann comes in wearing her usual Kohl’s bullshit except sequined with a glitter hat.
Girl I guess.
Then Destiny’s Child arrives in basically exactly what we saw him in before and he looks more on-theme than any of these hoes.
This sequence goes on and on and on and it's clear Bravo wants us to be at home like OH MY GOODNESS LOOK AT THE GLAMOUR GAZE UPON THE CAMP and, like, sorry, what is any of this I'm bored. Even the bartenders are bland and unimaginative 1998 Calvin Klein underwear models, and I know my type is, like, fat Jason Momoa with B.O. or whatever, but like this is boring!
Like at least give me that model that Kylie Minogue fucks! Or like that Joe person that that Colombian lady from Modern Family dicks down with! You know, the guy that was in Magic Mike? Hell, give me Potato Channing himself! That’ll work! But don’t sell me a drag queen bingo party and then show me community college lacrosse players who borrowed their dad’s beard trimmers to shear off all their pubes! Stop wasting my time, Andrew!
Thankfully, though, as she is wont to do, Ramona comes in and makes us forget all this boredom by ruining absolutely fucking everything, as per custom. (I am sorry in advance for these pixelly screenshots, my internet was being a dick and I am too lazy to redo them. Your Patreon dollars at work!)
First, she comes in dressed as a hooker from an 80s movie.
*extremely Jerry Seinfeld voice* Not that there’s anything wrong with that! But that is, of course, not at all her intention. When we got a glimpse of her getting ready earlier she was wobbling her tits in the mirror saying, "Oh yeah, I got it going on" so she thinks this is fashion. It is not. Nor is it drag. Go home!
But as if that weren’t enough! She has also brought with her this weirdo Ron—remember him, from when she took Tinsley out for farewell drinks before she moved to Chicago and then it turned out she just tacked Tinsley on to her date and the dude showed up too early and exposed her as a tacky, mannerless pigperson?! That was this guy! It gets worse! She makes clear that she's not even into him, they're just friends, and she just wanted to have a date and not come alone!
To DRAG QUEEN BINGO? Who brings a fucking date to drag queen bingo?! What on EARTH. And Sonja is NOT having it. She gets one glimpse of Ramona and Ron and is like lol I think the fuck not!
Ramona's all shocked, like wait it's only gay guys here?! And like NO SHIT YOU SPACE CADET ASSHOLE HAVE YOU RECENTLY SUFFERED A BRAIN TRAUMA???
And my God, if a genie came to me right now and gave me three wishes the first thing I’d wish for is a bigger weiner, but the second thing I’d wish for is more wishes, but the THIRD thing I’d wish for is that they'd gotten a shot of Sonja's face here, because as Ramona just stands in the middle of the party mystified that a DRAG QUEEN BINGO party is gays-only, Sonja just off-camera bellows "You're an idiot" at Ramona with the accumulated exasperation of a 25-year-friendship with a congenital dumbshit and it was one of the funniest moments in 12 seasons of this show.
But! It! Gets! Worse! Turns out, Ron is a fucking creeper! First he's like:
Look how smooth he thinks he is! Also who remembers like the exact date they made out with someone in a sad Upper East Side singles bar for olds? Like… SIR. Which is probably why Sonja’s like:
So Ron is a creeper. Remember this moment and put a pin in him cuz we’re gonna come back to him in a minute. First we must watch Luann confront Ramona for not coming to her cabaret the night before. Ramona claims she didn't know about the show until the last minute and then wasn’t able to go, and Luann and Sonja both are like "Bitch sit down," because they ALL talked about it in Mexico! Look at Ramona just like, “Goddammit, foiled again.”
But naturally Ramona can't just let it go, she keeps pressing and insisting that she didn't know about Luann's show. When Luann’s like, “I emailed it to you,” Ramona goes so far as to pull up the email and be like, “You didn’t say anything about the show!” and shows Luann the email to prove there was no invitation. And Luann's like CLICK THE ATTACHMENT YOU STUPID BITCH.
And then! Ramona’s claims not to know how attachments work!
Like fully pretending to not know how email works in this year of our lord 2020 as a woman who has owned her own multi-million dollar business for 25 years!!! Then she tells Luann it’s her fault for not making the header "Ramona Singer please come see my show.”
Look at how even though that hat is completely obscuring her eyes you can tell that Luann is juuuuuuuuuust this side of hurling Ramona to the ground by her hair and curb-stomping her in front of God and everyone. I just—what is the matter with Ramona's brain?! Just shut up and say you were shitting on the floor again or whatever and couldn’t come! BUT THEN! SHE SAYS THIS!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AND BITCH!!!! LUANN IS LIKE!!!!
WRITE! ME! BETTER! DIALOGUE! THAN! THIS! YOU! CAN’T! I almost threw my laptop at the fucking wall in sheer glee. But of course, Ramona is undeterred by this perfect comeback, she has to get the last word.
You… don’t have time… to… tap your finger… one time… on a square… on a screen… that is already… in… your hand?
Honestly how do these women 12 hrs a day with this woman for three consecutive months at time for TWELVE YEARS without dick-slapping her into another time zone, like I truly do not comprehend! Did her mother throw her into a wall like a lawn dart when she was a baby or something? Did Mother Singer fill her baby bottles with lead paint??? Her brain has MALFUNCTIONED. I am concerned!!!
Anyway remember Ron? Well, since Sonja was like “lolwat” to his advances it’s now time to watch him hit on Leah.
LOLOLOLOL AS FUCKING IF!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! SIR! SIR WHAT?! Leah’s like, aren't you here with Ramona and Ron's like:
AND! LEAH’S! LIKE!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*Julia Roberts in Sleeping With the Enemy voice* Hello 911 please come quickly I’ve killed an intruder!
But do you think Ron got the point? LOL HAVE YOU EVER MET A MAN. So Leah goes over to Ramona and puts her on the spot.
She like, you guys should date! And it’s all Ramona can do to not projectile vomit all over everyone. She’s basically like LOL ABSOLUTELY NOT right in front of Ron!!!
“He’s not gonna be for me”!!!!!!!! WHILE POINTING AT HIM!!!!! Find me a better show goddammit! Fuck you and The Wire you rode in on!
And you might assume that NOW Ron gets the point. YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE RON’S INTERPRETATION OF WHAT JUST HAPPENED.
My jaw hit the floor so hard it crashed through three stories of this apartment building and into the Earth’s lithosphere where it touched off a magnitude 7 earthquake and the entirety of the city of Chicago is now buried under rubble and Trump is coming here tomorrow to throw rolls of paper towels at us.
I mean it was SHOCKING. Yes, that whole conversation was Leah fishing for the okay to fuck you, Ron. I mean in what world?! Anyway LOOK AT LEAH!
But you guys. YOU GUYS. I do not know how to tell you this but it gets so much worse.
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I have to go to the hospital.
Listen, I know I’m naive here, but I am never not aneurysmed by this sort of confidence. A thing my friend Sam and I talk about all the time is like how people somehow make it through life without feeling shame?! Like! How?! I have never once had the balls to pursue someone like this even when they had their dick completely out and were standing under an old-fashioned theater marquee that had "JOHN YOU ARE VERY HOT AND I WANT TO DO SEX TO YOU EXTREMELY BAD" spelled out in traveling lights!!! I would still be like “LOL I’m sure you mean that hot over there I heard his name called out in the Starbucks line once and p sure it’s John too so” and then he’d change the marquee to read “THAT GUY’S NAME IS GREG I MEAN YOU” and I’d be like “LOL but Greg IS John in Old Church Slavonic so! Don’t worry I get it!” Like! What?! How are you shot down this decisively and you still are like “lemme hang in.” How has your soul not gone concave yet?! I don’t! What?!
But also! I ALSO do not have the confidence to shoot people down like Leah either! When I was young and hot for five minutes I ended up making out with this hot older dude in a dark bar while ex-tuh-REME-ly drunk, and then when we went on a date the following weekend it turned out he was actually disgusting and creepy and looked like Chris Kattan when he was that monkeyperson character that ate apples really fast except 60-something and with lip injections, but I WENT! ON! THREE! DATES! WITH! HIM! ANYWAY! Simply because I was too WILDLY anxious to just be like "You are 30 years my senior and have Juvederm in your mouth can you please pretend I put a downed electric wire down my throat and immediately turned to ash???”!!! I mean it could’ve been so simple!
Another time I let this 50-something guy talk me into his apartment OFF THE STREET WHILE I WAS WALKING HOME simply because I “didn’t want to hurt his feelings” (wat?!) and then when we got inside and he clearly wanted to do sex I just played dumb and was like “Well haha I should be going,” so then he started effusively talking about the movie Mame to get me to stay! Which is straight-up Buffalo Bill shit! Mame?! Sir what?! I had never even heard of Mame and because I am ~*incredibly stupid*~ I told him so and then he insisted I borrow the videotape all like “It’ll give me a reason to keep tabs on you *wink*” and even though I was hugging the wall waiting for him to lunge at me with a murderknife I actually took the video from him (READER! READER IT WAS 2005 I DID NOT EVEN OWN A VCR!!!) and GAVE! HIM! MY! FUCKING! PHONE! NUMBER!!! Then he called me like every week for months and left me answering machine messages asking me what I thought of Mame! Why am I like this?!
My point is! I would like to have both 50% of Ron's moxie (SANS the open sexual harassment), and I would like to have Leah’s confidence to be like "LOL DRINK BLEACH" but instead I think I'll just die alone!
Good Lord what are we even talking about anymore. Oh right, Sonja’s bingo shit. Hardly seems relevant anymore after reliving the night I nearly died at the hands of a musical theatre-obsessed cannibal, but we’ve gotten on this train, we must get to the destinaysh.
So! Now it's time for actual bingo! But first Sonja has to drag Ramona again, this time from a stage, with a microphone!
(“An LGBTQ.” Bless.)
And of course Ramona can't just take a joke, she has to stand her ground and insist that Sonja didn't tell her about the nature of the party.
And Sonja’s like:
Then she ups the ante and yells at Ramona, “I specifically told you not to bring your boring friends.” Cut to Ron!
Peep these gays who are just watching this disaster like “THIS IS WHAT I CAME TO NEW YORK FOR!!!”
Then—I swear to God I watched this episode twice and I still can’t believe this is real—Ron sidles up to Leah and all but licks her neck THIS IS A HORROR MOVIE.
Meanwhile, Ramona and Sonja are still making a scene.
And Dorinda’s looking on like!!!
Every time I look at these screencaps I laugh my ribs apart!!! “*shit-eating grin* This is terrible *sips vodka*” Can you believe this show is real?!
Speaking of Dorinda, you may have noticed she’s been a bit quiet this episode. Weird, given that it’s her swan song, right? Yes well!
The unfortunate souls at this party finally start playing bingo, and Dorinda is going apeshit. She is into it! Every time she gets a square she hollers “YES!!!” to all and sundry as if she’s gotten a full bingo.
Which is not how bingo works! So everyone is like bitch what is… what is happening with you, please? Even the host is like "good hustle I guess Sonja come get your friend."
But Dorinda is NOT fucking around.
Anyway of course Ramona can't not be the center of attention for even 47 seconds so when the host calls out “G69” Ramona has to make a big spectacle of making a 69 joke (so much for not liking sex talk).
And in so doing she fucks up Dorinda's bingo card. And either Dorinda is working on controlling her emotions or all that Vicodin she’s on is really doing the trick because she gets very annoyed, but doesn’t get, you know, Dorinda annoyed, thankfully. But Sonja Tremont Morgan? Sonja Tremont Morgan has fucking HAD IT.
And you know who else has had it is the bingo host, who like coos at them like they’re disruptive children in a kindergarten class. The shade!
Then Sonja, who must be gunning for some kind of MVP award in this episode for yelling hilarious shit off camera, points at Ramona and bellows "SHE SUCKS."
I wish you could hear the way she said it! It was like “SHE! SUCKS!” just so emphatic! Ugh, this show is a miracle. Anyway, Sonja is legit angry at Ramona now, because at the end of the day, this is a charity event! Who behaves like this?!
I need you to look long and hard at that first screencap and note that Ramona is ~*hanging her head in shame*~ while THE ENTIRE PARTY HAS THE CHURCH GIGGLES. Look at Leah and Dorinda looking at each other trying not to laugh! This is better than when people break on SNL!
Then! Remember how Ramona gets SUPER mad whenever Leah talks about sex? Well now she’s committing to this demure bit so strongly that she claiming to not even know what 69 means. She just thinks it’s pretty!
SEND HER TO GUANTANAMO BAY IT’S ENOUGH OF THIS.
As if we haven’t been through enough trauma, now we have to endue Luann performing “Viva La Diva”! Honestly this entire episode is a human rights violation. Does anybody have a connection at Amnesty International? It's time to stand up!
Anyway Luann takes the stage and all of the gays have pasted-on smiles like "Eugh buoy."
And Dorinda, God love her…
Luann begins introducing her song, and the way you can tell this shit is going to be an unholy mess is that they cut to commercial right as she's about to sing. They're making us WAIT for the tragedy honey! We must grow IMPATIENT for the DEVASTATION my darlings! We come back from commersh and it's just as bad as you imagine. A of all, Luann is fucking singing along to a track... for a song that is 75% SPEAKING. 2 of all, I never noticed this before but Luann has absolutely NO stage presence.
Now look. Perhaps you think I’m just being mean to Luann. Perhaps you’re thinking, “Oh stop, I’m sure she’s fine.” Oh really? Okay well how about A of all fuck you, and 2 of all, Exhibit A:
Exhibit B:
Exhibit C:
And, speaking for all of us, Exhibit Big D:
Never doubt me again.
That said, by the time the hook comes in people are feeling it. And I mean, it IS a catchy song, it cannot be denied.
And with that high note to end on, our season comes to a close!
OR SO YOU THINK.
We assume the show is over—we get each woman's little end-of-finale epitaph!
(Sidebar: Devastated to learn the townhouse has not been sold. Goddammit.)
We even get Ramona talking about ending on a high note!
And Sonja says a lovely thing about how they may not be Sex and the City or AbFab, but…
And they all share a laugh and a hug! The show must be over! Right?
LOL bitch! During the closing love fest, Leah thanks the women for welcoming her with open arms, and says that when Tinsley introduced her to the group…
RECORD SCRATCH. What? When Tinsley introduced me to you guys what?! Reader, we’ll never know because AT THE MERE SOUND OF TINSLEY’S NAME…
Dorinda. Loses. Her. Entire. Shit.
And Leah, in turn, loses her shit.
Dorinda is completely unhinged! Out of nowhere! So much for those vicodin! Leah and Luann walk off, but Dorinda follows them, ranting and raving about Tinsley’s supposed betrayal.
(Look at the background gay like👀👀👀)
It's so out of hand that Ramona tries to get the producers to intervene…
…and it's like you can actually hear them thinking LOLOLOLOLOL BITCH ARE YOU CRAZY THIS IS OUR LITERAL JOB SECURITY. Then Luann makes a joke about how Dorinda is gesticulating wildly with her surgery hand and Dorinda starts screaming in Luann’s face about THAT, and in so doing, she spits all over Ramona.
And then Ramona storms out doing that "crazy" hand motion where you swirl your finger around your head?
LOLOLOLOLOLOLLLLL. Now that everyone has stormed off, it’s just Leah and Luann, who sort of survey the destruction. Leah is STUNNED.
She explains to Luann that all she was trying to say was that she’s grateful Tinsley introduced her to this group because she’s grown to love them all so much. That’s it!
Then Luann does the most Luann thing in the entire world. She’s like, if Dorinda could come here and do all THIS?
AAAAAARRRRRRBHHHHGHAS;LDFKJASDPOFNQWEOPWEONFQPDIVNPIOWEHFPOQIENF;QKWNFPIUQWER0QWUHENFNASDV;CNOJHPQFEOHJQOFEJQO;EWFNLQ!#@$!@#$%^%&%@#$%123401293874123998()*&)(*&(*&%*&$^%$@%$#*^&YKLKMBIYFCTEUDFUJ”IJYUFD8RGUHIP098R091823HKJQND02309JEFHA;LSDKFJASDFKJ*69876LKFJASKDJHF90871234908BJHVUFT%^$#^&)OI{OJOUYF*YTDIYTGI SHUT UP ABOUT THE FUCKING CABARET!!!!!!!!!!
I swear to God. So that’s that. Ramona has left I think? Dorinda and Sonja are off in a corner ranting and raving about how much they hate Tinsley for no reason, and Leah and Luann just look at each other like:
And so… that’s it! THAT is Dorinda's big exit from the show! It was absolutely insane and unhinged. I mean break-the-fourth-wall-again unhinged! And it made no sense. And you know I love her but... fucking YIKES.
So… that’s that! I guess! Been nice knowing you Dorinda Medley? This is such an awkward ending to the season, what do you even say?! But as messy as this was, Tinsley joins the reunion, so we can all venture a guess how that goes! Clearly very well, so well in fact that at one point it makes Andy Cohen do this!!!
Goodness gracious. So the reunions should be lots of fun! (Also please read that fine print and hang your head back and scream like Andy that “Viva La Diva” is “Performed by Desmond Child featuring Countess Luann”!!!!!! HAHAHAHA the most epic of drags!!!)
Okay, see you next week for the reunion! Please practice self-care in preparation! Goodbye!