The Ballad of Elyse
A #RHONY Season 12 Ep 13 Recap, More or Less
Welcome back, Your Gay Uncle John Substackers, and good afternoon, good evening and goodnight! You know, like from The Truman Show?! Remember that? No? Ok? Anyway a thing I’ve noticed about the chamber of Hieronymous Bosch horrors that is my brain is that in horrifying times like these the millions of boring or useless or non-sequitur tessera buried in the recesses of my memory start coming out of nowhere and suddenly I am like “LOL remember that thing Jim Carrey said every morning in The Truman Show haha good fun that was a good movie you know people don’t give that movie its due nowadays despite the fact that it predicted like our ~*entire shit*~ like as a ~*society*~ wow makes you think!” It’s been happening with all sorts of things lately—random 90s Sheryl Crow lyrics that now seem eerily prescient, the time in 3rd grade my friend Denise got customized pencils that accidentally said Densie instead and we laughed and laughed, Jennifer Love Hewitt’s ill-fated 90s pop career. (How DOES one deal, indeed!) It’s all super weird!
It probably sounds fun but it’s actually more like, ok say your house is burning down right, and you’re like I HAVE TO GRAB THE BOX FULL OF BABY PICTURES AND ESSENTIAL DOCUMENTS!!! and then as you’re running from the flames a ticket stub from the Color Me Badd concert you went to in sixth grade falls out and you’re like LOLOLOLOL OMG REMEMBER COLOR ME BADD?!?! Wowowowo that was some shit wasn’t it oh man wow haha anyway THIS IS A HOUSE FIRE AND I AM ABOUT TO BE EXPLODED LIKE A SCENE FROM BACKDRAFT HAHAHAHA FUCKING BACKDRAFT LOLOLOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL ANYWAY I SHOULD RUN WE ARE RUNNING WE ARE RUNNING FOR OUR LIFES WHILE LAUGHING ABOUT BACKDRAFT LIFE IS SUCH A RICH TAPESTRY HAHAHAHAHA!
You guys too? Ok yeah so you get it. Anyway, how this relates to The Real Huswifs of New Amsterdam is, as per uszhe, utterly beyond me and that is probably because it doesn’t at all in any way, shape or form but IDK as Madonna famously said when asked not to masturbate on stage I am an artist and this is how I choose to express myself!
So here we are, two eps into the new post-Tinsley normal and I don’t know guys, it’s still weird! This episode was a real mixed bag. I mean, this episode was the opening of Berserkshires 2020! We are OWED fireworks! And yet it was just sort of… fine. It was fine! It was sort of like… let’s see, metaphors… CHIPOTLE. It was kind of like Chipotle! Cuz here’s the thing: if you take the time to ~*search your soul*~ and just be honest with yourself for one goddamn minute of our stupid empty life that no one will remember when you’re dead you will stumble upon this essential truth: Chipotle isn’t very good! Sure, the guac is good, and the black beans are deece, and we are not mad at that new queso they started last year! We are not mad at it! We are not!
But nonetheless I have questions and they are these WHY IS IT SO SALTY AND ALSO ALWAYS COLD. Why? You go to Chipotle and there’s all these piping hot delicious meats but then they dump a 47-gallon ladle of ice-cold salsa all over it and by the time you get to your seat, sorry bitch, you have a COLD BUCKET OF LEFTOVERS you just yanked from the office refrigerator (LOL remember offices) to desultorily eat at your open-concept desk (LOL remember open-concepts I bet *extremely Cardi B voice* coronaVIRus! will finally be the death of those) while wondering if you should just flip the table over and storm out to a graduate program. And for this pleasure, you have stood in line for 17 minutes, contracted untreatable hypertension and paid like $37 American dollars.
Chipotle is not good! But components of Chipotle are, so in the end it’s like, kind of a wash right? It’s like, fine! And that is how this episode was. And I am frustrated! Was Tinsley Mortimer somehow the glue holding this shit together? Are the horrifying realities of our new normal rendering pop and celebrity culture both obsolete and aggravating? I am not prepared to parse this because I am afraid my entire psyche will collapse in on itself like a house of cards if I do so here is what happened in Episode 13!!!
So we are going to the Berkshires! Hooray!!! This is the best part of any RHONY season—so many iconic gifs come from Dorinda’s mountain mansion!—so this is exciting. We open at said mansion, Blue Stone Manor (like any proper mansion it has an actual name), where Dorinda is calling all of the women to invite them up for the weekend. She gets sent to voicemail by all of them, except for Leah, whose mailbox, like any person of her age, is completely “full and unable to receive messages.” Finally, a truthful depiction of Millennials in media! Representation matters!
Anyway, Dorinda jokes that she’s a loser and no one will take her calls, and it’s fun to see her having fun even if she weirdly shows her vagina while doing it awwww!!
Next we go to Sonja's suite at the Midtown LaQuinta Inn or wherever the hell she lives nowadays where she and Elyse (UGH, Elyse) are hanging out. Elyse (UGH, Elyse) talks about how she knows Sonja from back in the day when she was an it-girl running around the Manhattan ~*scene*~ and we get treated to this extremely Dynasty shot of 20-something Sonja.
Ooh yes SMOLDER BITCH!!! HURT US with that Jhirmack Bounce-Back Beautiful Hair!!! Victoria Principal could never! (Confidential to the olds in here, do you ever feel sad that the youngs have no idea what Jhirmack Bounce-Back Beautiful Hair or a Victoria Principal is? I mean we have no idea what, like, IDK, Sailor Moon or an iCarly is or whatever but like it’s not quite the same on account of who cares, you know?
Like I’ma let you finish, Jumanji memories (that’s a thing the youngs seem to talk about all the time right?) but old Mills and young X’s had the best Victoria Principal commercials of all time, or something. Is this joke working? You know, Kanye. Is this anything? If you have to ask issa no bb, let’s move on, specifically to Sonja talking about how she’s in “The Blue Book” (think Burke’s Peerage but for rich American trashcan persons) and Elyse (UGH, Elyse) is basically like “Bitch the fuck is ‘The Blue Book’ fuck outta here” and Sonja is mystified anyone would not know what “The Blue Book” is.
And like LOL truly choke me out with a leather strap. I cannot take anymore of this! Sonja’s only in “The Blue Book” because she married JP Morgan’s grandson or whatever the hell he is! That’s like me being like, “Yeah, my close personal friend, Academy Award-nominated actress Laura Linney” because I made her a cappuccino once at the restaurant I worked at in New York during The Great Recesh! Like you’re not landed gentry, Sonja, you are a divorcée with a penchant for getting naked for no reason on a reality show watched by mentally ill homosexuals! You’re not Brooke fucking Astor. It’s enough of this.
Also no offense but this interview look is extremely Amy Poehler in Mean Girls and is that a compliment who’s to say but I don’t think it is!
Anyway, they start rehashing all the Ramona drama at last episode’s disastrous Hallowe’en party, which occurred the night before. I don’t believe I mentioned this in last week’s recap, but Ramona left Dorinda’s party in a huff to go to some “club” called Omar, which is probably the saddest place on Earth, I mean just imagine the kind of nightclub a 60-year-old 14-year-old goes to. The mind reels. Anyway, speaking of Mean Girls turns out all the girls met Ramona down there after the party and when Elyse (UGH, Elyse) showed up Ramona told her she couldn’t sit with them!
(WHY IS THERE NO FOOTAGE OF THIS SAD OUTING IS ANYONE AT BRAVO DOING THEIR FUCKING JOB?) Apparently Ramona said it's for “girlfriends only” and Elyse (UGH, Elyse) was like, “So I’m not your friend now?” and she and Ramona got INTO it. (Again WHERE IS THE FOOTAGE DEEP STATE BENGHAZI!!!) In any case, Elyse (UGH, Elyse) is becoming more and more like (OOH, Elyse!) every day because, continuing last week’s trajectory, she is PISSED OFF AND OUT OF FUCKS. In her interview she straight-up like ends her friendship with Ramona.
Look at that face! That is the face of a bitch with a bone to pick! That is the face of a lady with her draggin’ boots on! That is the face of a hardened criminal on her way to the Berkshires to straight-up BODY A BITCH! Call the cops because Elyse (UGH, Elyse) is about to pop up to Massachusetts and drag Ramona into the woods behind Blue Stone Manor and bang her head into her own diamond-hard breast implants until her brain is scrambled! Elyse (UGH! Elyse!) has been DOING👏THE👏WORK👏!!! Two consecutive weeks of bringing drama and shitting on hoes! MOST IMPROVED HOUSEWIFE OF ALL TIME.
And then! Elyse (UGH, Elyse) tells Sonja about how every time Ramona comes to her house she tries to seduce Elyse (UGH, Elyse)’s husband!
ELYSE (UGH, Elyse) IS DONE PLAYING IT'S ON.
Honestly, I think I might need to retire the (UGH, Elyse) joke! IDK maybe I'm being hasty! But at minimum we need to reevaluate. Let’s take this offline and circle back. At the very least I will consider it on a trial basis because WHEW! The growth.
Anyway. More on E-boz in a minute. Now we're shopping with Luann and Leah. Ramona shows up and is actually like "wow such fashion" like one of those fucking shiba inu memes and just… why is she like this.
Anyway, they, too, start rehashing the night before, and Ramona's of course pissed at Dorinda for dragging her at the party and says she thinks Big D’s entire problem with her is that she’s only just mourning her seven-years-dead husband Richard for the first time ever right now in 2019, which makes no sense whatsoever, and then she says this.
And like we know what she MEANS but like... goddamn, does this woman ever open her mouth without some horrifying malapropism falling out of it? My Lord! Leah’s face says it all.
And Luann is like “Uhhhhhhh no I think you just rub her the wrong way you shithouse-rat-crazy sociopathic goon.”
Then Leah and Luann go on the fool’s errand of trying to explain to Ramona that the reason Dorinda and Sonja are mad at her is because she used them to get her stupid birthday party, with its “I have 50 girlfriends!” guest list she brags about every 30 seconds, planned for free. And Ramona's like “LOL NAH HOES MAD.”
I mean will you just come on. know I keep saying this but RAMONA SINGER IS AN EIGHTH GRADER IN A 60-YEAR-OLD’S BODY. Then Ramona says Dorinda hurt her so badly she wanted to cry for days and Luann has just fucking had it.
Anyway after all that harrowing nonsense, we finally go to the Berkshires. We start with Dorinda telling her housekeeper Len to not do fucking SHIT for these women!!!
She even makes Len REHEARSE basically telling Ramona “Fuck you specifically.” Like with an actual role-play like when you’re training to work at Panera or some shit! Dorinda pretends to be Ramona and asks Len for a glass of wine and Len is like:
*Maury Povich audience cheering dot gif* Do not ask Len to do shit!!!
Leah and Sonja are first to arrive. Dorinda gives them a tour of her recent remodel after a disastrous flood fucked up her house and listen IDK what the fuck this disco ball is about but look at this Missoni carpet!!!
I watched a documentary about Missoni once and it was fascinating and I'm sort of obsessed, but not as obsessed as I am with the idea of Dorinda Medley just texting Angela Missoni like “yes hi Ang listen can a bitch get some carpet?” and Angela Missoni just being like “Cagna non facciamo nemmeno moquette ma SÌ ciaoooooo🎉🎉🎉” and then there’s Missoni carpet on her stairs. Like this is the most Ariana Grande “You like. My carpet? Gee thanks. Just had iconic fashion house Missoni custom make it even though they do not make carpets they make dresses for ladies and things like that thank you” shit ever. I mean eat the rich and everything but also these are complicated times and we have no choice but to stan🤷♂️
Luann and Ramona are still en route to Blue Stone, and in the car Ramona says she’s thought about it, and she’s just gonna let her Dorinda beef lie and move on and have fun. (Lolololol how long do you think that will last?) They arrive at Dorinda’s house and, after complimenting the fall “foilage” (please knock me unconscious and roll me up in Dorinda’s Missoni carpet and hurl me into a white-water river), all of Ramona’s ire is immediately forgotten because she’s instantly in love with Dorinda’s remodel. For, of course, all the wrong reasons.
Just absolute trash. Remember in Romy & Michele’s High School Reunion when Christie Masters-Christianson sees Sandy Frink for the first time since high school as he gets off his rubber magnate helicopter and she’s like, “Sandy wow! You look so! Rich!—I-I mean, great.” That’s it, I don’t really have a joke here, Ramona just made me think of that part of the movie on account of she’s truly, madly, deeply a garbage can.
Oh my God ok if we made a Romy & Michele out of RHONY whompst would be whompst?! Ramona would be Christie Masters-Christianson as discussed. Obvs, Leah would be the hot-blond version of Janeane Garofalo and Dorinda would be Lisa Luter, the mean girl-turned-Vogue editrix who’s had an awakening and reverse-mean-girls Christie Masters-Christianson in the present-day. Who would Luann be? Idk, I’ll come back to that one. Idk who Elyse would be but also who cares. (UGH, Elyse [I am still deciding about the retirement of this annoying joke thank you!]) Obviously Sonja is Michele, I mean lol. So who’s Romy? WAIT. OK WAIT OK WAIT WAIT WAIT OK. Ok. You guys? I DON’T THINK RAMONA IS CHRISTIE I THINK SHE’S ROMY. Ramona and Sonja are Romy and Michele, right? I mean, two inseparable dumbdumbs who are always up to hijinx and one is definitely the brains of the operation but that’s not saying much? And it works perfectly because they’re both businesswomen!!!
Which makes LUANN CMC (Christie Masters-Christianson) which is perfect because, like, she’s got the ego of a megastar but she’s actually just, you know, a weather girl.
Ugh, I’m so glad we figured that out good job everybody!
Quick Q: Why do you subscribe to this stupid shit? Why would you do this to yourselves? I’ll never understand it!
Anyway! Ramona and Dorinda have this totally fake interaction that made me scream. Look at Dorinda’s face!
And now, to brass tacks: It is time to fight! After assigning sleeping quarters, the women meet in the kitchen for cocktails, and, well, away we go:
Turns out, Elyse (UGH. Elyse) has been subtweeting (subgramming? What is it called when it’s IG and not Twitter?) someone special from the limo en route to Blue Stone Manor!!!
ELYSE IS BRINGING IT OMFG!!! I mean this is three-seasons-deep MVP shit. To go from insufferable bore to messy shit-stirrer in just TWO EPISODES?! Your fave could absolutely never. Anyway, Luann and Leah agree that her ‘gram is obviously in re: Ramona, so that’s one person ready to drag Ramona by her poorly dyed hair. The editors even give us an ominous shot of Elyse’s limo emerging from the thickets and dales of the Berkshire hills so you know shit’s about to get serious!
OH BITCH!!!
But it’s not just Elyse. Dorinda, of course, is always on a 14/10 when it comes to fighting hoes, and Sonja is ALSO ready to throw Ramona like a ragdoll.
Oh Sonja, in the immortal words of Tiffany Haddish, SHE READY. Sonja openly admits that she and Dorinda and Elyse have already planned to gang up on Ramona, and then Sonja will put out the fire—but only once Ramona is burnt to a crisp.
THESE👏WOMEN👏THIS👏SHOW👏
Elyse arrives and Ramona won’t even look at her, and Elyse can barely conceal her contempt.
Just SICK WITH HATRED! Now THIS is television!!!
I CANNOT BELIEVE I'M HERE WRITING A WHOLE RECAP ABOUT ELYSE!!! THIS IS AN AMERICAN SUCCESS STORY FOR OUR TIMES I'M SERIOUSLY ABOUT TO CRY!!!
Anyway, by “show you to your room and everything” Dorinda means, “pull you aside and openly instigate shit between you and Phony Ramony,” cuz that’s what she does. She even puts words in Elyse’s mouth. When Elyse is like, “I’m hurt and frustrated” or whatever, Dorinda’s like:
I mean she barely conceals the stage-direction tone in her voice. It’s magical.
Dorinda and Elyse go back down to the kitchen and when the girls inform them what they’re talking about—the aforementioned Hallowe’en after-party at Omar’s where Ramona told Elyse to get the fuck out—Dorinda turns to Elyse and shoots her shot!
And Elyse, because she has learned and grown and taken the notes—something we could all learn from!—takes the bait.
But *ominous music cue* so does Ramona.
When the other women balk, Ramona tries to make it sound like she just needed a special moment of bonding time with the RHONY women privately so they could reveal their innermost secrets and really emotionally ~*connect*~ like it’s Oprah’s Book Club or some shit and Elyse just can’t take it anymore and is like YOU WERE IN A NIGHTCLUB YOU STUPID BITCH. Ramona gets all sensitive about Elyse yelling at her—which is weird since half of Ramona’s existence on this show is yelling at people—and then gets all condescending, implying Elyse is ill-mannered and crazy, and suggests they speak privately.
And Elyse is like, ROLL UP BITCH.
You know when a white woman does this shit with her eyes you’re about to be on the business end of something! Which is probably why Luann and Sonja are like lol no stay here so we can watch you kill each other in cold blood while we eat canapés teeheehee!
Ramona and Elyse go into the other room and Luann is like LOL guess we’re all going into the other room then!
Ramona starts in on Elyse about how angry she is that she’s trying to do this in front of everyone, because Ramona always keeps her conflicts private and one-on-one, which if you watch this show you know is the biggest pot of bullshit since Teapot Dome. (IDK why but that is the first reference that came to my head am I a 98-year-old man sundowning in a nursing home right now IDK who’s to say!!!) And now Elyse is erupting again.
Ramona launches into this diatribe about how she brought Elyse into this group of friends and Elyse should be thanking her for being willing to introduce her to such an exclusive group of people and have you ever heard anything so disgusting in your life?! And then to top it off, Ramona finishes with a “Sorry you feel that way” and Elyse, quite rightly, loses her shit!
Then, because this is the greatest show on Earth, Ramona’s stupid ass calls Elyse “narcisstic.”
Dorinda tries to correct her and the entire room is like SHUT UP DON’T INTERFERE JUST LET THEM GO IT’S TOO GOOD!!!
Luann's like seriously be quiet, “You can’t buy tickets to shit this good” and I screamed from the depths of my soul.
It’s like watching rich lady Maury Povich but in person!!! Can you imagine?! Next, Ramona starts doing this very bizarre impression of Elyse that is sort of Marilyn Monroe-singing-happy-birthday-to-Kennedy-esque, which is literally NOTHING like Elyse. Like first of all she’s got more of a contralto sort of speaking voice and she’s also actually quite loud and blustery, so the impression is so fucking weird that Leah momentarily strokes out.
They keep going at it until Ramona finally storms out because “I DON’T MAKE SCENES” and everyone in the room is like LOLOLOL BITCH WHET?!?! And then we are treated to a retrospective from the editors of every scene Ramona has caused over the years. The woman is nuts.
Anyway Elyse follows her into the kitchen and they calm down a bit, and Ramona admits the real reason she’s angry and hurt is because Elyse didn’t back her up when Dorinda attacked her at the party. Which, you know… one one hand cry me a river Ramona, you’re 60 years old, but on the other Dorinda is a nightmare. So Luann decides she’s switching to Team Ramona and goes back to the living room to try to ~*reach*~ Dorinda and hoooooooo boy! How do you think that goes down!
“Don’t do it. Be careful.” Fucking embroider that onto my face. Even Sonja is like “BITCH DON’T GO IN THERE!”
Back in the kitchen Elyse is like “I have been your friend for 20 years!” and Ramona resorts to what I swear to God is becoming a catchphrase for her in the back half of this season—I’m HaViNg 5o GiRlFrIeNdS aT mY bIrThDaY pArTy!!!!11!! And by this point in our journey together you should know that my life contains two great loves and they are these:
Watching dead-eyed white women fight
Hating Ramona
But even I am at my breaking point with this. I simply cannot stomach someone talking this much about how popular she is, especially when this someone is old enough to be my mother and not an actual 8th grader writing in a burn book before sex-ed class. Thankfully, a respite comes when Ramona drops her “You should be more appreciative” shit again and then storms out as Elyse bellows “OH my GAWD” with the collective exasperation of the entire RHONY viewership.
It me.
Ramona goes back into the living room thinking she's escaping drama but oops bitches are dragging her in there too!! But when Ramona gets put on the spot she does another one of her dumb malapropisms and suddenly everyone’s laughing. Elyse comes in and now even she’s laughing and honestly thank God, I have never been this emotionally exhausted and if I never hear Ramona’s voice again it will be too soon. Unless two non-Ramona women are going to start fighting I am absolutely tapped out!
Anyway, I’d like to pause here for a moment to give a final round of applause for one Elyse Slaine of New York, New York! I mean, did you think she had all this in her?! I really didn’t! UGH, Elyse!!!
But what if I told you it got EVEN BETTER? Because Elyse and Ramona may have made up in this episode back in 2019, but on the social media platforms of today’s 2020? Biiiiiiiitch. Peep this tweet my friend Sam (hey dummy!) sent me today!
That was over five hours ago and I still have not recovered. Also, for those who don’t watch this garbage or have maybe forgotten, I mean…obviously Leah and Elyse are fucking around here, BUT ARE THEY REALLY because when these women went to Cartegena a few years ago there was AN ENTIRE THING about how Ramona shit herself on the floor of the Airbnb and the women all woke up to a travertine shitsmear, which is also the name of my new electroclash band! Anyway that is a real thing that Ramona did! So! Also, as Sam pointed out, let’s consider Mario Singer for a moment! Because whilst he is, like, a full scumbag (who I’d let fuck me in half what who said that I’ve been hacked!), doesn’t the prospect of him having been shit on during sex for like 30 years sort of endear you to him? Honestly I wish him hope and healing.
Anyway, that was now, this is then, as they say! Back in 2019 Blue Stone Manor, the women are now actually getting along, which isn’t compelling except for this:
God, Leah really and truly is that bitch. We stan an ass-eating queen! All the other women are absolutely mortified and I shrieklaughed because every now and then I forget how sad and stupid straight sex is and every reminder is schadenfreude hilarious! Like tongues in butts is the shaking hands of the gay male world, what on EARTH do you people even do in the bed?! Play parcheesi with your underwear on?! Nevermind I don’t want to know straight people are fucking disgusting and heterosexuality is a disease.
ANYWAY. Remember how I said I couldn’t take anymore unless a different two women start fighting? WELL GUESS WHAT. Recently-bounced-from-vodka-jail Luann Delesseps is SHITCANNED and starts talking about her accursed CABARET SHOW and now it’s time for everyone to come for HER.
You may remember from episodes past that Sonja usually joins Luann onstage and never gets paid and Sonja’s just like “LOL oh Luann.” But this is the third or fourth time and Sonja’s frankly had it. And apparently, the other women have to, on her behalf, because they put Luann on the spot.
I mean, Sonja lives in a YMCA, so! Pay the woman!
Ever jocular Sonja tries to make it all seem jokey, but then Luann tries to make it sound like a labor of love on Sonja’s part, implying that it only makes sense that she’s not getting paid. And Sonja, speaking for every freelance creative with a spreadsheet full of outstanding invoices for which they know in their heart they will NEVER be paid, has had enough. She’s like, “Nah, she wants to exploit me.” And you know it’s about to get real now because the editors put in a hip-hop music bed!!!
Luann defends herself by pointing out that she does pay Sonja $200 for hair and makeup and the room explodes like, “$200?!?!?!” As a person who as recently as 2017 worked in the film and television industry (thank you) I can tell you that you cannot find a hair and make-up artist to even put PANTS ON for under $300/day. This is egregious! But Luann defends herself again by being like, “I have BROADWAY ACTORS in my show,” forgetting that Sonja is a Broadway actor?
And now Luann is INCENSED that Sonja would consider herself high enough caliber for *checks notes* a Real Housewife’s traveling cabaret show. Not one Broadway person who’s appeared in her show is a bigger name than Sonja, but Luann is out here like she’s headlining fucking like Frozen On Ice or whatever the hot Broadway shit was before the pestilence came I have no idea but the point is, the woman can't even carry a goddamn tune on her AUTOTUNED POP SONGS!!! I mean honestly! I have a theater degree (thank you) so I KNOW Broadway talent (no I don’t) and this is NOT Broadway talent okay (honestly it could be I have absolutely no idea) and as someone who played the LEAD in his SENIOR YEAR high school MUSICAL and has NEVER had a SINGLE lead role in ANYTHING since I think I know what I'm talking about!
Anyway, Luann flies into a rage about how unappreciative Sonja is (sounds familiar), fires her on the spot, and starts stomping around the house yelling about what an A-lister she is.
She honestly sounds like Donald Trump and she fucking deserves every letter of that insult. Anyway A of all you DON’T have a “very huge” cabaret show and 2 of all you double don’t now that Sonja isn’t in it!
Remember that Will Ferrell sketch where he’d lose his temper and bellow “I DRIVE A DODGE STRATUS!” Well *gestures at Luann*
Now Sonja is sobbing in the living room because she and Luann are like BFFs, so Ramona goes after Luann and tries to explain that she’s gotten the wrong idea, and Sonja just wants to be given what’s fair. Luann responds by saying that Sonja is trying to take over her show, which is utterly insane because she’s in the show for literally five minutes. The fuck is this, All About Eve? Alcohol’s a helluva drug, helluva drug.
Then Dorinda comes in and yells at Luann for being so awful to someone who literally helped save her life when she was in rehab.
And that is the straw that breaks the camel’s back. Luann snaps, stumble-storms back to the living room and bellows this AWFUL thing at sobbing Sonja.
Please take a moment to notice Ramona’s face in the background.
And on that verbal abuse note, we get hit with a TO BE CONTINUED, which is how you know tonight’s episode is about to be lit!!!
And as if all this drama weren’t enough, the preview also notifies us we get the return of not only Dorinda’s ~*extreme lesbian vibes*~ sister Melinda (sisters named Dorinda and Melinda, tell me what’s funnier I’ll wait) but also the return of RHONY alum Heather Thomson, whompst everyone hates for some reason except me!!! I mean look at her shading the shit out of Luann after not seeing her for like six years!
Also Leah and Elyse apparently make out tonight? Soooo… we have that to look forward to! I will be back with all of the details and many other ones that bear no relevance to any of this whatsoever next week, provided we aren’t all dead by then! In the meantime I will carefully consider whether to retire (UGH, Elyse) and stop terrorizing you with this repetitive joke.
Ok please wear a mask and take your vitamins I love you go away!!!
Dear Gay Uncle John, I believe the cameo is reason enough for you to drop the “ugh” before my name! 😛