IDK man, I don’t think I’ve got an opening for this one, the past week has been so weird and, like, sad for ~*personal reasons*~ it’s like that gif of the little kid laughing and then sobbing when the reporter asks him if he’ll miss his mom on the first day of kindie-garden? You know this little pumpkin doodle?
It me. Although on the bright side last night I did make an amazing replica of this pasta they had at this resto I worked at in New York back in the day and it was so good I almost stuck my dick in it. It’s just butter, olive oil, lemon juice and zest, garlic, salt, pepper and chili flakes, and that sounds easy but the PROPORSHES are hard to master and bitch I got so close. SO close! AND I made the best batch of Caesar salad dressing I’ve ever made. So, you know, the Lord taketh and the Lord giveth I guess!
Anyway whatever, the point is much like Annelle in Steel Magnolias, I promise that my personal tragedy will not interfere with my ability to do good hair! By which I mean write dumb recaps of a show about rich drunks who fight a lot! THE GOOD NEWS IS, I had light work with this one because this episode was fucking ~*WILD*~
Granted, we had to wait all the way till the end for the truly wild shit, but, you know, gift horses, especially for a season I’ve kinda decided has low-key sucked, Leah notwithstanding. Like what’s been truly compelling outside of Leah’s woeful inability to carry her liquor? Meanwhile Real Housewives of Beverly Hills has a whole-ass lesbian sex scandal! It’s unjust! Okay there was also Sonja pissing in the corn maze though, that was really something. Hashtag Never Forget Sonja wiping her vagina on a cornstalk the corn maze was an inside job Sonja’s piss can’t melt steel beams what happened in Tower Seven!!!
ANYWAY, since it’s been a couple weeks due to my hiatus, let’s review where we left off (and you can read up on the whole-ass season here): Ramona has been talking non-stop for WEEKS about her stupid fucking 63rd birthday party “with 50 of my girlfriends there’s 50 I have 50 girlfriends 50 girlfriends and they’re all 50 girlfriends of my 50 girlfriends coming to my birthday party with 50 of my girlfriends who are all my 50 girlfriends who have shaped me like 50 girlfriends because they’re my 50 girlfriends am I annoying you by talking about my 50 girlfriends well that’s because you only have 2-3-4 girlfriends but EYE have FIFTY I have 50 girlfriends AND SONJA YOU’RE NOT ONE OF THEM.”
So Ramona’s just been an insufferable asshole as per uszhe, and has been being a shitty friend to Sonja, whompst you’ll remember she DIDN’T INVITE to her birthday party LAST year despite LITERALLY being her best friend. Why? Because she’s a social climber and thinks Sonja’s trash. Which LOL she’s not wrong but that’s like a shit-covered pig telling a beautiful thoroughbred Palomino it stinks, like, yeah it fucking stinks y’all both smell like fresh fucking shit because animals are disgusting but only one of you ROLLS IN FRESH FUCKING SHIT FOR PLEASURE LIKE A FUCKING PIG AND IT IS THE PIG OKAY.
Anyway, meanwhile apropos of her social climbing bullshit, Ramona has ALSO been after Leah for being “déclassé,” which DRINKING GAME every time Ramona says the word “déclassé” take a shot. If you want to make it a betting game you can wager whether Ramona even knows what the word “déclassé” means.
So that’s where we’re at. Well! NOW it’s finally time to go to this stupid fucking party, so we open on Ramona and Leah doing a walk-through of the venue in advance of the big night and I have news for you and it is that the theme of her party is “Ramona’s Living Room.”
And… I’m sorry, what?... does that?… mean? And why is it... compelling?... in any way?... And like I don't... What? Like you've made THIS BIG A DEAL about this party and STRUNG US ALONG for like 537 episodes of you bobbleheading manically about 50 GIRLFRIENDS 50 GIRLFRIENDS 50 GIRLFRIENDS YOU HAVE 2 BUT I HAVE 50 50 GIRLFRIENDS and the fucking theme is "Ramona's Living Room?" I--
Anyway, I’d like to announce that beginning today I will be pivoting this newsletter to be solely focused on my forthcoming birthday party themed, "John's Closet Shelf on Which He Keeps Socks, Boxer Shorts and T-Shirts But Not Nice T-Shirts Like the Kind of T-Shirts You'd Wear To the Gym or To Clean the House Or To Create a Rough-Trade Look For the Basement at Jackhammer." The guest list is 590 people long and none of you are invited because you are all trash and make me sick. Please support me on Patreon!
Anyway, for her part, Leah's trying to be nice but she knows this shit's gonna suck so many old, saggy, 63-year-old balls.
Blessedly we get a quick break to check in with the other ladies before we lose our minds. Dorinda’s just given her adorable housekeeper Len a lip gloss she doesn’t want called “Better Than Sex” and Len is scandalized tee hee!
Aww Len! We love her. Remember that old Bravo show about the house-flipping homosexual with lip implants and he had that assistant named Zoila? She was great! Bravo should make Len the new Zoila. That would be fun! That’s it, there’s no joke here I’m just thinking aloud, felt cute might pitch to Bravo later IDK.
Anyway next we go to Sonja, whose crumbling townhouse is flooded or something and now it’s crumbling even more and I swear to God if the back half of this season is about her fucking townhouse again I will be absolutely undone I am grieving and I cannot do it. Just sell the damn thing and go back to your room at the Port Authority Ramada Inn STOP THIS.
Then we check in with Luann whompst even whilst giving her dog a bath cannot ever refrain from talking about her goddamn autotune YouTube talksongs.
She needs to go back to prison I’ve had it.
Anyway, for some reason Bravo thinks those wafer-thin establishing scenes are enough of a break for us to care again about “Ramona’s Living Room” so we go back to Scarpetta to watch Ramona lecture Leah about not being such a fucking jizz-encrusted harlot at her party later.
This shit is so tedious. Ramona is so jealous of Leah she can’t breathe. How sad for her. Anyway she tells Leah she doesn't want any drama (LOL ok) and then she enlists Leah to protect her from drama which... girl what? Like you hate this bitch and think she’s a cum-guzzling cockslut and she can’t even clear her throat (because it’s apparently full of cum) without you calling her “déclassé” and yet you’re entrusting her to referee your party full of the blue-blood high-society Jackie Onassis types you’re trying to get your grubby mitts on? Okay sure, checks out!
Speaking of “déclassé”…
Drink!
Anyway Ramona bleats on about how she’s worried about Dorinda and Sonja starting shit at her party because she has quote "a whole other crowd" unquote that's coming to the party, as if Dorinda and Sonja are hillbillies in overalls with a piece of hay in their teeth playing banjos with their feet while smoking corncob pipes or something.
Anyway, Leah, as you might expect is 150500505-01984-10239471023987% unimpressed by these antics and is basically like the fuck kinda bitches are you inviting to this party and then susses it out precisely.
Blessedly we leave “Ramona’s Living Room” which I still cannot even believe is a thing like I don’t even--you know what, nevermind.
We leave “Ramona’s Living Room” to go do some charity work with Luann. She's helping out with a program that helps people who have just left prison, and the founder is a Kindly old man who makes a funny grandpa joke. Luann says, “So you’re the founder of this organization!” and he goes:
Aw, we love him! Sonja arrives and she and Luann listen as the former inmates tell their stories of incarceration and how difficult it has been on the other side and wowowow Luann is actually maybe a human being with feelings? Like she legit snots into her lav mic so I think she might ACTUALLY be crying for real this time, not like that mess in the Berkshires. Wow! Then they ask Lu to tell her story and she really loses it.
And honestly I feel for her and I hate it.
Thankfully it kind of goes off the rails as she tells a room full of non-white former prisoners that she knows their pain and that her experience forced her to “rise.” Eugh buoy. But honestly I think I’m just a terrible hateful person because the audience seems to be moved by it!!! That is except for these two wonderful women who were like "this bitch."
Bless them. Next we go to dinner with Ramona, her sexy-ass ex-husband Mario’s sexy-ass ass and their daughter Avery, and it's actually very endearing! Like do you know what I would've given for my parents to be the type of parents that would have had dinner together growing up?! When I graduated from college my Dad took my entire family including my mom to lunch at a Mexican place and p sure it was the weirdest thing to ever happen to anyone in attendance especially my stepmother who was like “HAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY CHILDREN ARE SITTING ACROSS FROM THE WOMAN MY HUSBAND WAS MARRIED TO BACK WHEN I WAS HIS SECRETARY WOW WHAT MIRTH LIFE IS SUCH A CIRCUITOUS JOURNEY OF SURPRISE AND INTRIGUE I THINK I WILL HAVE ENCHILADAS!”
My point is, good for Ramona and Mario for giving their daughter the amicable and stable divorced-parent relationship she needs and deserves, even if it’s awkward as ass because it’s obvious Ramona is tryna ride that spicy pepperoni and Mario is like “LOL basta.”
They do have a lovely moment where Mario talks about how they were at dinner at this very restaurant the night Ramona's water broke. But then, as Ramona is wont to do, she ruins it by bringing up her stupid fucking birthday with 50 GIRLFRIENDS and Mario and Avery both are like bitch pls and Avery DRAGS her.
Then Avery asks her why no men are coming and listen, Avery for president because you know this is pissing Ramona off. Ramona says it’s women-only because she doesn’t have a man, and then because she cannot, ever, even a little bit, take a hint she goes in for the kill on Mario.
And he's just like, NEWP! And that’s all he says! And then Ramona's like men who knows?!
And it’s like WE ALL CAN RAMONA HE DON'T WANT YOU! (Although rumor has it they quar'd together earlier this year so who’s to say the heart wants what it wants Selena Gomez said that!)
Then Avery does a toast that's like I'm so glad we can be a family again and I love you both and Ramona's like "I love you too" to Mario and he's just like "LOL thanks.”
“Oh that’s so sweet”!!!!!!!! CAN YOU IMAGINE!!! I fell out of my chair and immediately lit myself on fire and melted into the Earth on Ramona’s behalf. And I don’t even like her! “OH THAT’S SO SWEET”!!! Bitch the DRAG!!! But if you think Ramona took the hint LOL you are extremely incorrect!!!
And Mario’s just like “I LOVE AVERY AND ALSO LAMP GOODBYE!”
Absolutely chilling. You gotta hand it to Ramona though, I would never have the balls to even TRY this shit, let alone keep going after being shot down 47 times in one dinner. So, you know, queen shit! Anyway, Ramona’s heart stomped on just in time for her birthday, we next go to Dorinda’s, who is chatting with Leah about Sonja’s relationship to intoxicating spirits.
Specifically because, get this: Sonja got kicked out of a gay bar in Philly.
I am GOBSMACKED. Do you have ANY IDEA how fucking MESSY you have to be to get kicked out of a gay bar?! My best friend was so drunk in a gay bar once the bitch fell down a flight of stairs leading to the bar but like she did it like a fucking Looney Tune? Where like she flew forward, hovered in midair, held up a sign that said "HELP" and THEN hit the floor on her whole-ass face? And the whole bar just shrugged and stepped over her! That’s not even a good exmple how about this! The last time I did karaoke in a gay bar which LOL was literally in 2013 there was a group of four dudes IN FRONT OF THE STAGE jerking each other off! One of them even got down on his knees and blew the other three! Right in front of me and my rendition of Destiny’s Child’s “Bugaboo”! Nobody even NOTICED except me cuz I was, you know, on a stage! And no I didn’t do anything about it because I’m not an asshole let dudes suck each other off it’s better than listening to me butcher 90s pop songs just be cool! Anyway the point is gay bars are vortices of chaos WHAT DID SONJA DO?!?!?!
As if that weren’t enough please enjoy the fact that the whole reason Sonja was in Philadelphia was to SPEAK AT WHARTON BUSINESS SCHOOL and no that's not a joke can you believe this show is real isn’t it wild that we were chosen to be alive at the same time as this progrum?!
This is all intercut with Sonja at her destroyed heap of a townhouse telling this contractor who can barely speak English about how she had her stairway carpets flown in on Pan-Am.
So that’s a thing that happened!
Back at Dorinda's, she, Leah and Elyse (UGH, Elyse, and yes we’re back to UGH, Elyse because she has officially chosen to continue doing nothing on this show again. It’s honestly disrespectful to people like Real Housewives of Atlanta’s Marlo Hampton, who for “legal reasons” [allegedly!] must remain a “Friend of the Housewives” but nevertheless starts more drama and brings more fashions than even Kenya Moore! Whatever happened to work ethic! Whatever happened to artistry! Millions of women would give their eye teeth to be on these programs but Elyse elects to just interlope! It’s offensive!) are discussing Sonja and we find out that the bar Sonja was booted from was a gay piano bar (that’s a bar for gay pianos, they open each other’s lids and pluck each other’s piano wires stop laughing all sexual expression is valid), and Sonja got the boot after singing “Hello Dolly.”
Which is for some reason so fucking funny I laughed till I cried and I’m laughing again as I type this. I probably shouldn’t have included it here because I can’t even explain to you WHY it’s funny but that is the funniest shit I’ve ever heard. When I’m dead I want you to take my ashes to a gay piano bar and make a big scene while singing “Hello Dolly” and then sprinkle me over the floor while security drags you out. This is my only dying wish other than making sure my nephew turns out to be a homosexual and appreciates Madonna.
Anyway they move onto shit-talking Ramona and how judgmental she is and how she basically called Leah a cum-oozing trollop or whatever and how shitty she is to Sonja and Elyse (UGH, Elyse). Dorinda in particular is not having it.
And now it’s FINALLY time for Ramona’s stupid party! In the car en route to Scarpetta with Luann, Sonja is already heated about this party, dragging Ramona for being a social climber and ditching her real friends for these Ruth Madoff nightmares with faces made of melted Tupperware.
And at the party itself, the women are beginning to arrive. Here’s Ramona’s trash bag sister Tanya.
Peas in a pod!
The shady, shady editors do this thing where they count all the woman as they arrive with a little cash register ding sound, but look, I'm with Sonja, none of these women matter. EXCEPT THIS ONE:
ARLEEEENNNE!!! I am obsessed. I don’t know what the fuck Arlene is doing but she’s doing everything right. I am in love. Arlene is my mom now.
Anyway Ramona is swanning around in some Forever 21 nightmare showing Arlene and some other woman her stupid party theme, which is a white room with some red flowers and a banner that actually says “Ramona’s Living Room” and I could've done this entire shit with a $200 gift card from Michael’s.
And look, I can't tell for sure because obviously she's as profound and inscrutable as the universe itself but guys I don't think Arlene is impressed.
Anyway, Luann and Sonja arrive and in a move that foreshadows the general tenor of this disastrous party Sonja's outfit still has the price tag on.
And tensions are already high. Ramona's mad that none of the girls followed the dress code (black for everyone but her because of course) and Sonja is mad because Ramona keeps shunning her for these women that she only knows THROUGH Sonja. Which, Sonja is full of shit so who knows if that’s true, but let’s be real: Whompst here is a sentient Hefty bag full of old tampons and curdled dairy products and whompst here is the ex-wife of JP Morgan’s ghost or whatever. I’m going with Sonja’s read on things.
Next, Leah arrives and Ramona just IGNORES HER.
So let’s take stock: Dorinda’s had it with this bitch from way back, Sonja’s had it with this bitch so bad she says she doesn’t even want to see her tonight, and now she’s snubbed Leah. That is fully 75% of the cast that has had it with this bitch! The tension! The stakes!
ANYWAY ARLENE UPDATE!!!
Guys, I don't think Arlene fucks with Ramona's Charlotte Russe “outfit” any more heavily than she does the plastic banner hanging under the bar that says “Ramona’s Living Room” WE STAN AN ICON GIVE ARLENE AN APPLE AND FIRE ELYSE IMMEDIATELY OR I WILL BURN BRAVO HEADQUARTERS TO THE GROUND!!!
Anyway here's an aerial view of this hideous party that Ramona says party planner to the stars (lol girl I guess) Larry Scott went all out on.
It's boring and ugly! Red and white? Is it fucking playing-card themed?! Off with their heads this is bullshit! This looks like a corporate retreat’s “Casino Night” held at the Excalibur Casino & Suites. This is a shotgun wedding reception held on September 11 because the date was 50% off I fucking rebuke it I REBUKE IT.
Anyway Ramona finally acknowledges Leah's existence and immediately starts in on what a semen-slugging guttersnatch she is.
But it’s only natural that Ramona would be put off by Leah’s wardrobe and social class since she’s the sort of refined woman greets Sonja by doing this.
Are we at a sorority party at the University of New Mexico Las Cruces satellite campus or is this a 63-year-old woman wrapping her 63-year-old legs around her friend at her 63rd birthday party I can’t quite tell please advise.
Next, Dorinda tells the group she’s taking them to Cancun and all Ramona has to contribute is a glance in Leah’s direction and a snide "Just don't throw any tiki torches" and bitch the TENSIONS are skyROCKETING. Then Leah calls Ramona Mommie Dearest and my heart sang a song of praise and worship.
Then--because what better time than someone’s birthday party!--Dorinda confronts Sonja about how she's worried about her, and Sonja has a breakdown about how stressed and scared she is about her finances and whatnot because she can’t get her sewage-sopped hovel of a townhouse rented.
And while her best friend is having a mental breakdown Ramona is opening some stupid gift--an ugly, tacky, stupid Gucci purse--and I’ll tell you who’s can’t be bothered with any of this shit:
ARLENE!!! Honestly cancel this show and just make Bravo the Arlene channel I’m talking 24-hour wall-to-wall coverage of whatever Arlene is doing even if it’s just sleeping or taking an old lady shit I don’t fucking care the woman is COMPELLING.
Anyway, Ramona goes over to brag about her new purse while Sonja’s SOBBING ABOUT HER LIFE and Sonja tells her to get fucked and uses the word “pocketbook” to do so and that word is never not funny because it is not 1937.
Pocketbook! You couldn’t write better dialogue. Anyway all three women tell Ramona to fuck off and die. Then Ramona comes back and is like I’m sorry, I’ve put the purse away, I’m paying attention now, and Sonja is just like fuck you and the pocketbook you rode in on.
Ugh DRAG HER and her disgusting clown suit from the Queens Mall Wet Seal!! Anyway now Sonja is really heated, yelling again about how Ramona only knows all these monsters women through her, and tensions are REALLY coming to a boil. But you know who's unbossed and unbothered having a GREAT fucking time?
ARLENE! Also is this not the hottest lesbian couple you’ve ever seen? I’m wet. Anyway Arlene’s lust for life must be contagious because a bit of time goes by and all tensions have vanished. Even weepy Sonja's drunk and getting her life!
Leah is having a great time too--and she's totally sober!
Everyone finally starts loosening up and having a good time and it seems like Ramona’s stupid ugly party might be jumping off after all! Until Tanya's trash-ass-crunchy-ass-hair-ass ass has to be a little tattletale.
And now those tensions? BITCH THEY’RE BACK. Ramona's PISSED. She pulls Leah around like a goddamn child and starts screaming at her.
Dorinda tries to reason with Ramona like, chill we’re just having a good time, but Ramona is HORRIFIED because *checks notes* Leah has a run in her stocking?
Is it 1957?! Who is wearing stockings in 2020?! In THIS economy?! And even if Leah WERE wearing stockings with a run in them, this isn't an audience with the Queen at Buckingham Palace it's a living room-themed (???) birthday party in a basement made to look like a bordello-themed boutique asshole waxing studio and you have a FALL in your hair bitch shut the fuck up!!!
But there is no reasoning with Ramona. She is SO pissed she tries to shut down production.
And Leah's like I WILL EAT YOUR BABIES BITCH!!!
Peep the cameraman like, “Yo…” All of us!!!
Anyway wonder what Sonja’s up to oh cool just vibin’ and fully destroying the place!
And Leah is egging her on bc LOL FUCK RAMONA!
And then Ramona threatens to quit the show!
And Sonja’s like “Fuck you and your ugly little party” and just keeps stomping shards of glass into everyone’s eyes!
While fully in a trance!
And Ramona just keeps screaming at production to shut it down!
And then she ends it by committing the cardinal sin!
Breaking the fourth wall and looking into the camera! Right at the climax! Now That’s What I Call Reality Television!!!
Whew!!! So that was a lot at the end there! Ending at a high point like this always means the next ep is about to be lit too, so hooray for that. Personally I’m pulling for Leah to put some of those boxing lessons to use and just lay this bitch out on the floor with an assist from Arlene. Because you know Arlene will fuck a bitch up! That’s what the headband is for!!!
(Also I totally forgot about this MILF porn comment which is how Leah described Ramona’s decor and WAIT WHAT IF THE NEW BRAVO SHOW WAS LIKE AN ARLENE AND LEAH ODD COUPLE THING WHERE LEAH DOES THE ONE-LINER INSULTS AND ARLENE JUST STARES DISAPPROVINGLY WHILE WEARING HEADBANDS oh my God I need an agent immediately.)
Anyway that’s Episode 15. Episode 16 will follow shortly. And then we’ll be caught up! Hooray! Here are all your calls to action, as they say in the marketing biz.
Thank you as always and please be nice to each other and wear a goddamn mask because I swear to God I cannot take this anymore and also please please PLEASE come up with a voting plan that does not rely upon the Postal Service if at all possible because please go Google what Trump and his buttboys are doing to the Postal Service to fuck up the election it is harrowing and if you ARE going to vote by mail that’s great! DO IT EXTREMELY EARLY by which I mean like LITERALLY NO LATER THAN THE FIRST WEEK OF OCTOBER but your safest bet is to fill out your ballot and then DROP IT OFF AT YOUR LOCAL ELECTION AUTHORITY INSTEAD I’m serious guys this is really, really bad and Trump is gonna try not to leave office even if he loses and LISTEN TO ME.
LISTEN TO ME.
Are you listening?
LISTEN TO ME: the ONLY RECOURSE WE WILL HAVE is an OVERWHELMING POPULAR VOTE LANDSLIDE that makes his claims implausible. THAT IS IT!!! You gotta vote and you gotta vote Biden even if you live in a swing state where it “doesn’t matter.” THIS IS NOT A NORMAL ELECTION YOU CANNOT PLAY BY NORMAL RULES this shit is gonna make 2016 look like LOLOLOLOL an actual functioning democracy instead of a fake one that somehow fooled the world for 150 years anyway PLEASE DO NOT FUCK THIS UP OR WE WILL NEVER GET OUT OF THIS FUCKING PANDEMIC THIS IS A LITERAL EMERGENCY.
Yes ok I will stop yelling now thank you you’re beautiful I love your hair did you do something new part it different or something looks great okay bye!