Hey Ramona Your Ride Is Here And It's a Garbage Truck Because You Are Garbage: The Ramona Singer Story
A #RHONY S12 Reunion Part 2 Recap, Garbagewise
LOL everything is so fucking bad right now wowowowow. It’s so bad! I don’t want to make light of it but like wowee man. It’s bad! For now, though, I am consoling myself with the knowledge that LOL AT LEAST I AM NOT RAMONA SINGER. Because this latest installment of Please Andrew Just End It I Am Tired in the Marrow of My Bones: The Upper East Side Alcholism Hour sees one Leah McSweeney, of the I Fucked Up the NYPD and I’ll Fuck You Up Too McSweeneys, rising from her chair to dispatch Garbagelady Season Champion: All Seasons Ramona Singer to the East River garbage barge from whence she presumably came with nothing more than some pointed screaming and a few flicks of her resplendent stripper nails!!!
I’ve not felt so inspired since I sat on the edge of the Grand Canyon in 2005 contemplating the smallness of existence in the pages of my Moleskine thinking I’d really stumbled on some unique insight into the human condition by sitting on the edge of a cliff in a pair of Old Navy cargo shorts eating Triscuits and string cheese from a tiny Igloo cooler! These are the moments that make us who we are!
First, though, we must finish dispatching Dorinda Medley to her time-out corner to think about what she did.
If you remember last week (all past recaps here), we closed with one Tinsley Mortimer garrotting Dorinda Medley with a blade fashioned of ~*never before seen footage*~ Well, we open on the tail-end conclusion of that particular war. Andrew asks Dorinda encore une fois what the Christ her entire deal is with Tinsley and, whereas most of us would be like, “I have been sliced to ribbons about the torso and intestines by the power of the evidence against me and must away for to bleed out in silence, good day!” Dorinda Medley is like, “Nah lemme double down real quick.” She ~*lodges a complaint*~ on the basis that the women all agree to be transparent on this progrum but instead, Tinsley was sneaking around reuniting with Scott and not talking about it on the show.
I have a few notes and they begin with a question and it is this WHO THE FUCK CARES?!?! Every hoe on this show has shit they don’t show on the show! (Good writing, that.) Lemme ask you a ask: Have we ever even one time seen Sonja’s “dorter” Quincy on this progrum? Not a once! Sonja doesn’t even speak the child’s name on the show, I had to Google “Sonja Morgan’s dorter” on the internet search platform Google Dot Com just to make sure her actual name was Quincy and not My Dorter Tremont-Morgan! The sum total of our knowledge of Sonja’s actual personal life is jokes about her vagine! Dorinda seems to have no problem with this, but Tinsley being like “I’d like to try to repair relations with the person whompst is possibly the love of my life off-camera if that’s cool” is a hangin’ offense? Fuck outta here!
But more importantly, as Ramona EXPLODES into the studio: ALL THESE WOMEN FOUND OUT ABOUT THE END OF DORINDA’S EIGHT-YEAR RELATIONSHIP WITH JOHN BAHDESSIAN FROM FUCKING PAGE SIX!!!
Dorinda told no one! No offense but ~*the hypocrisy*~!!! But Dorinda has an explanation, you see: She “may not have been forthright” but was “never dishonest.”
MA’AM! MA’AM THEY ARE THE SAME THING!!! So how does Tinsley react to all of this? I present to you I Will Cut Off Your Head With a Pair of Cuticle Scissors and Roll It Through This Studio Like a Bowling Ball: A Play In Two Acts:
That look! There Will Be Blood Two: Electric Boogaloo: Tinsley! Drinks! Youurrrr MILKSHAKE! She DRINKS It UP! This is an outdated pop-cultural reference to the 2008 P.T. Anderson film There Will Be Blood wherein Daniel Day Lewis Daniel Day Lewises a monologue about Daniel Day Lewis Daniel Day Lewising a milkshake does it work? Is this anything? Eh we’ll leave it in and let the audience decide, all good art is inherently experimental, Cindy Sherman said that!
Anyway, undeterred Dorinda goes into a recounting of Tinsley’s supposed travel itinerary with Scott between the months of September and December 2019, rattling off trips they took to Vegas and Argentina and other sundry locales and all the women are like “LOL WTF” and listen, Ramona’s trash but she’s really doing God’s work in this segment cuz she again interjects like “Bitch are you monitoring her on radar lol shut the fuck up.”
What’s truly most remarkable about all of this is that Tinsley has always been a bit of a doormat, but departing the show seems to have put her at some sort of liberty because she is just OVER IT in this reunion. A viewer asks why none of the women ever stood up for Tinsley while she was being bullied, and Sonja defends this by interjecting that it was obvious Dorinda was acting out because she was in some sort of emotional distress. And Tinsley’s like DORINDA AND HER FRACTURED EMOTIONS CAN SUCK MY DICK FROM THE BACK I’M DONE WITH THIS.
SHE HAS HAD IT! Then Dorinda pivots to another of her favorite topics, Tinsley’s penchant for hopping between residential hotels, staying in New York for four months and then going to Chicago or Palm Beach or whatever and coming back, and it’s like OH WOW RICH NEW YORK PEOPLE SPLITTING THEIR TIME BETWEEN DIFFERENT CITIES HOW UNHEARD OF HOW GHASTLY BIG DISHONEST SUCH GRIFT! This shit is so stupid I audibly yelled “IT’S ENOUGH OF THIS” at my computer. We already know why Dorinda hates Tinsley’s guts why are we talking about this?!
But Dorinda will not relent. She launches another offensive…
And Tinsley just straight up cuts her off AND mocks her.
Andy jumps in and is like yo come on man you were fucking mean to her all season and Dorinda gets tired of looking like a wild asshole, so she just starts yelling apologies over Tinsley and Tinsley’s like APOLOGY EMPHATICALLY NOT ACCEPTED.
Not content to free us from this rhetorical prison, Andrew takes another viewer question, about what Dorinda thinks about everyone else’s view that she’s just jealous of Tinsley. Dorinda scoffs and is like, “I would never want a relationship like Tinsley and Scott’s,” and now Tinsley’s REALLY pissed. She hollers at Dorinda what the rest of us have been hollering all season.
Whew! Did she just hit Dorinda with the, “Until you do right by me everything you think about is gonna crumble”?! Because I think she just hit Dorinda with the, “Until you do right by me everything you think about is gonna crumble”!!!!
Dorinda’s just like “Yeah ok whatever,” but then Andy is like, If it’s yeah okay whatever then why did you turn into a slavering psychopath in the finale the minute Leah mentioned Tinsley’s name?
Dorinda says because it was inauthentic, as if she’s just cut Andrew to the quick.
And I’m sorry, what? Leah being like, “I’m so glad Tinsley intro’d me to you guys” is … inauthentic? Ma’am hmm? Well! Continuing the theme on this season of these Huswifs shows of like, “Fuck a rule and fuck a conceit, let’s just straight-up talk about how the sausage gets made,” we learn that Dorinda is mad because Tinsley didn’t cast Leah; rather Bethenny, who was also a producer of this show before she departed (and, it bears mentioning, to whom Dorinda is very close) supposedly did. Dorinda tries to spin this whole thing like Leah and Tinsley were never really friends prior to the show, and that Bethenny like ~*discovered*~ Leah. But it turns out, not only was Leah already on the casting directors’ shortlist…
But—again, Ramona Singer with the assist!—Leah and Bethenny have never even met! To this day!
Dorinda then clarifies that her point is that Leah and Tinsley only became friends because of the show and everyone in the room is like SO?! That’s how this shit works! Andy points out that nobody forced Leah and Tinsley to become friends before filming began, they did that shit on their own! And so Leah says she wanted to give a sort of homage to Tinsley because they became very close before Leah ever met any of the other women. And Dorinda’s like, “You SHOULD have said, I’m so happy to meet this group” and left it at that.
And like… literally WHY DOES THIS MATTER. Who fucking cares?! You’re gonna go apeshit and try to shut down production over verbal semantics?! Well ONCE AGAIN! Ramona! With! The assist!
And yo, this is probably EXACTLY what is going on, because look, Bethenny is an icon and among the top 5 Housewives MVPs of all time, for real, but if you know her at all you know she’s been sitting in her billionaire loft fucking seething for months that she bailed on this show at the last minute and now the entire shit revolves around this girl SHE helped cast. Dorinda says it’s nothing to do with Bethenny, though, and everything to do with Tinsley not being transparent. And Tinsley loses her mind! She rattles off all the deeply personal things she revealed and then points at Ramona and bellows:
And Leah, ever the Greek chorus, throws her head back and belly laughs into the cosmos.
I mean it IS hard to argue against Airbnb dingleberries as a marker of true Housewives transparency but like still!
Anyway, Dorinda STILL won’t let this go! She says it also pissed her off because the show was already down a person due to Bethenny’s departure, and then Leah wanted to pay homage to this person who bailed mid-season? And Andy once again is like “Fuck best practices” and reveals some hot goss about Bethenny’s departure:
This woman—who I remind you was literally a producer of this show—bailed the day before filming began, like it was a new job slinging hash at Applebee’s during college where you’re like “Man fuck a job, I’ll find another one next week”!!! Conversely, Tinsley met with Andy, Bravo and Shed Media, the company that produces this delicious bag of shit, way in advance to let them know she was considering leaving. So! Turns out Dorinda’s full of Ramona’s dingleberries, which is incidentally the name of my new alt-country supergroup! And she’s just sitting there like *stammer stammer stammer*
But you guys. SHE. STILL. WON’T. STOP. Dorinda now pivots to her fake sincerity thing she likes to do when she’s up against a wall. She says, Well what I’ve learned from this is that you can just hide things and not be honest and face no consequences on this show, and that’s good to know, and Ramona has just fucking had it. She turns to Luann and spits “WHAT THE FUCK. WHAT IS WRONG WITH HER.”
And Luann’s just like, “Bitch I wish I knew.”
Meanwhile, Dorinda is just rambling on and on a mile a minute about how dishonest Tinsley is and how there’s a double-standard about transparency and Tinsley’s just like, “She thinks if she keeps repeating this it’ll be true.”
And while they’re yelling over each other, Ramona finally reaches her breaking point with all of this and lolololol LITERALLY GETS UP AND LEAVES.
She’s just straight-up like!!!!
And like! You can’t just do that! LOLOLOL there’s a closely adhered-to schedule any departure from which can sic a union on your shit, aside from everything else! So Andy’s like lol bitch where are you going and Ramona’s just like “Fuck you and your entire shit I gotta piss goodbye” and just walks off the set hahahahaha.
And Sonja, God love her, just deadpans directly into the camera!
Because LOLOLOLOL remember when Ramona straight-up just got bored while Dorinda and Carole were talking about their dead husbands and fell asleep and Heather Thomson had to wake her ass up?!?! Here it is in case you’ve forgotten and/or have the good sense and self-respect to not watch this mess! (Scrub to 1:14 if this embed fucks up.)
LOLOLOLOLOLOL.
Anyway THANK GOD Ramona’s storming out to piss puts an end to this idiot conversation, and when we come back from commersh it’s time to talk about the ladies’ vacations! We learn two things about Luann. One, remember when they all got to Mexico and the baggage handler dude was like “SOMEBODY’S PUSSY DILDO TRYNA FUCK FROM INSIDE THIS SUITCASE” and everyone was like “AWWW LUANN THAT’S YOUR PUSSY DILDO!!!” and she was like “LOL no it’s a portable juicer” and the entire universe was like “THIS BITCH.” Well! Turns out she was telling the truth and the reason she knew it was her portable juicer was because she had an actual dildo for her vagina in her bag also, but it had no batteries in it.
And I mean who cares but it’s just nice to see Luann loosen up sometimes and stop worrying about her image long enough to admit that she pounds out her pussy now and then just like everyone else. I mean who among us, especially in quar?!
The second thing we learn about Luann is THIS WOMAN IS STILL SALTY ABOUT HAVING TO SLEEP IN RAMONA’S LUXURIOUSLY APPOINTED BASEMENT WHICH IS NICER AND MORE SPACIOUS THAN ANY STRUCTURE IN WHICH I HAVE LIVED IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.
A buffoon!
We then briefly detour back to Mexico so that Andy can take a viewer question that rakes Ramona over the coals for calling the Mexican staff “servants.” To her credit, she cops to it that it was offensive and she should’ve just thanked them and left it at that, but she chalks it up to being “antiquated” and “old.”
Which lolololololol delicious self-drag, Ramona, well done, but also like oh NOW YOU’RE OLD like NOW you cop to it when you’re in trouble for walking into a Mexican Airbnb and basically being like “oh what lovely and exotic slaves we have here were you captured by las conquistadores how quaint ¡Viva Mexico!” This woman.
The next viewer question is about Luann both literally and figuratively getting back on the camel in Mexico after getting bucked off one in Morocco several seasons ago, and she takes a deep breath and centers herself and actually says with a straight face, “I try to run toward the things I fear.”
Calm down, Deepak Chopra. Anyway this is the greatest show ever made in the history of television.
Anyway, now that we’re back on Luann, it’s time to rehash her season. Andy reminds us of how EXTREMELY OVER Luann the entire cast was by the end of last season, and asks them how they think Luann has changed. They all agree she’s far more down to earth and real and lacking in bullshit which… Luann is still SO full of shit that it’s hard to remember that prior to this year she was so full of shit before she drew actual flies. Now she’s just like a FUN full of shit, like an “Oh Luann!” level of full of shit. She really has grown! Leah echoes all this, and Luann’s like look I have 47 siblings so I’m a lot!
And listen I respect this because I am a fucking insufferable asshole of a mess whose only real desire in life is to find someone who finds all of my deeply annoying and selfish idiosyncrasies endearing! Like I just want someone who’s like “Yeah, he can’t listen to me talk for longer than 15 seconds before we need to pivot to something having to do with Madonna and he never remembers to shower on any kind of predictable basis and nearly always smells like a homeless and he is so goddamn clumsy he has broken literally every item I have ever owned in my entire life including several priceless and irreplaceable family heirlooms and there is literally a pair of soiled underpants in every corner of this house and yesterday he called me and I quote ‘A LYING PIECE OF PILFERING SHIT BENT ON MY DESTRUCTION I SEE YOU BITCH’ because he was convinced I’d stolen the sunglasses that were perched atop his head the entire time but that’s just who he is and I love it!” So I am very charmed by Luann’s “LOL I’m a piece of shit and that’s just what I bring to the table” shtick! I get it Lu good for you!
Luann’s redemption narrative really takes a turn, though, when she gets a viewer question from someone who’s basically like, stop saying you were incarcerated you fucking asshole, you spent a single night in vodkajail and there’s a difference. Which, you know, fair! I fully expected Lu to be a full asshole about it. BUT INSTEAD!!! She gave a whole-ass woke-ass speech about wrongful convictions and for-profit prisons and people rotting in jail for eternity for meaningless, petty crimes and no bitch this is not a bit she actually said this shit!!!
I mean to tell you that Real Housewife of New York Luann DeLesseps sat up on Bravo next to noted Trump enthusiast Ramona Singer and before all the awful Trump-fellating “I’m done watching this liberal propaganda” assholes who show up in these women’s Instagram comments any time they do anything even remotely progressive and said, “They’re profiting off of people’s misfortune and most of them shouldn’t even be in prison because they committed petty crimes”!!! We stan a cabaret queen who wants to dismantle the carceral state!!!
Don’t worry though, she’s still the same Luann cuz when it comes to the issue of paying Sonja for her work she’s still like “LOL fuck that bitch.” A viewer asks why she won’t pay Sonja and Luann’s like, “Oh haha that’s not true.”
And then Sonja’s like “LOL the fuck is isn’t.”
Shots fired! So now it’s a whole thing. Luann continues her denial by going into a diatribe about how she had this laundry list of production professionals she had to pay so the budget was very tight?
And LOLOLOLOLOLOL Sonja just starts miming playing a violin?!?!
It was so fucking magical let’s cut to the wide!!!
Violining while saying “I’ve never been paid” I mean say it with me WRITE ME A BETTER SHOW!!! This, of course, gets Luann’s goat (success!), and she’s like, “I performed at Sonja’s drag queen bingo and I didn’t ask to be paid!”
And Leah’s like, “LOL it was for fucking charity you sociopath.”
Anyway, they finally move on from this so we can talk about Luann’s book about her father again. Interestingly, she says practically in the same breath that she had an awful childhood with her father and, “My father was my everything,” and she starts to break down.
And this got me because, like, that is just so indicative of abusive or dysfunctional parental relationships, isn’t it? I mean usually we’d call this Stockholm Syndrome, right? Especially since this dichotomy and irony doesn’t seem to even register for Luann. It hurt my heart for her. Like lol I am broken and also had a horrid childhood and so any time anyone talks about theirs I’m like *wracking sobs* I’LL BE YOUR BEST FRIEND EVERYTHING IS OKAY *sobs so hard diarrhea comes out* So LEAVE MY FRIEND LUANN ALONE!!! This even happened to me with Ramona once, and I have never not hated her! Remember when they all went upstate and Ramona went to her hometown and fully got like PTSD triggered and she and Bethenny talked about their horrific childhoods and they started sobbing and hugging each other? I was like “Listen I hate your fucking guts and hope you get flattened by a runaway steam-roller and stick to the rolly part so that we see your flattened corpse flop by over and over like in a Looney Tunes cartoon but I AM HERE FOR YOU RAMONA SINGER YOU WILL NEVER BE ALONE AS LONG AS I BREATHE!!!” Anyway I was a mess, is my point.
And then it got worse! Luann says that she wants to write this book because right before her dad died he got sober and they had these wonderful few years, and it taught her this thing that fucking broke me:
“No matter how low you go you can get back, you can turn yourself around.” Goddamn man!!!
*sobscreams* I love Luann she is my mom now!!!
Or my big sister because I’m 900 yrs old so she’s only really old enough to be my older sister. Unless she was a teen mom! OMG what if Luann DeLesseps was my teen mom!!! What if while she was like MODELING in MILAN in her LATE TEENS she fucked some dumb male model in an alley by Il Duomo and got pregnant and the baby was ME and like part of my STORY is like how my TEEN MOM went from like teen fashion model BABY HAVING A BABY to like STAR OF TELEVISION AND STAGE LUANN DELESSEPS wow inspiring!!!!! I mean this entire shit is ridiculous because if I were the child of two fashion models wouldn’t I be like ~*a certified hot*~ instead of a sun-damaged weirdo in a t-shirt whose sleeves have completely separated from its armpits seams??? Be that as it may PLEASE WRITE A BOOK LUANN BROKEN PERSONS THE WORLD OVER NEED YOUR STORY!!! *chokes to death on snot*
Next we rehash the women’s horniness, and we get some intel on the many ~*affairs*~ that unfolded over the season. Remember Sonja hitting on those 20-somethings at Leah’s party?
Well apparently it was a love connection because!!!
Get it Son’! Luann, sadly, has not been so lucky. Remember that day when Luann got shot down by her Italian tennis instructor and then moved on to that gumpy-ass Thor-looking-ass dog groomer she was tryna smash? Well…
Next we catch up on Ramona’s love life, and remember William, the blue collar-hot 30-something she was fucking in the beginning of the season?
Well, Ramona claims not to remember him.
And the entire room is like “Bitch his seed is running down your thigh AT THIS EXACT MOMENT quit playing!!!” And Sonja’s like, how can you forget him HIS DICK’S THE SIZE OF MY ARM. I couldn’t get a screencap of it cuz it happens too fast but she actually motions her arm flopping down on a table. Sonja is a masterpiece.
Anyway, THAT jogs Ramona’s memory and she’s like, “Oh him Beefy Dick Bill sure right nah we’re just friends,” and Dorinda’s like, Heifer please.
“God bless.” Speaking of Dorinda THIS WAS THE CUTEST SHIT: Big D has apparently taken a lover!
She gets all embarrassed and blushy and all the women are like awwww!!! and Andy is like awwwww! and it was very cute. I can report that there has been a gentleman caller seen SEVERAL times on Big D’s insta so seems like her year off from RHONY will be going just fine, by which I mean Dorinda’s gonna get dicked-down good and regular and come back to season 14 a whole different person with appropriate anger management boundaries amen!!!
As for Leah—she and the bartender made out and left it at that. (Which, good, because no offense WHAT WAS THE ALLURE the gent couldn’t even get his facial hair sorted like literally Thank U, Next, Ariana Grande said that!) And for the record, she and Phillippe, the hot Montreal dude in Mexico, did NOT fuck. Or as Leah puts it:
Because she’s looking for more than sex! She’s a grown-up okay?! So much so that she says she and Phillippe did “heavy petting.”
“Heavy petting”??? Are you a bobby-soxer from 1956 just say he fingered you! It’ll make Ramona mad, it’ll be fun! Speaking of Phillippe, Luann jumps in to claim she picked up the Canadian dudes for Leah on some wing-woman shit and lololol NONSENSE!
Luann is the horniest woman on this show, are we expected to believe this shit?! This is code for, “I got ditched so lemme spin this shit to make it look like I chose a choice.” I see you, Luann! Anyway, Andy closes this out by asking the group who they think the next person in the group will be to fall in love, and Ramona immediately says “Dorinda,” and please enjoy the screencap that ensued because as usual, she’s bobble-heading and blinking a mile a minute like a cokehead on amphetamines and you can’t get a decent look at her literally ever.
Perfect.
And NOW it’s time for tonight’s premier event, in which Leah brings to bear all those boxing lessons she’s taken and body slams Ramona into the fucking floor, never to be heard from again. I mean, that’s more wrestling, I guess, but you get the point.
So by way of intro’ing this, Andy calls Ramona “Ramommy” because of the way she is always scolding Leah like a damn child.
And LOL that made me laugh VERY hard because you know it made Ramona mad! I sense Leah was feeling a similar brand of schadenfreude-y mirth.
We get a whole rehash package of Leah and Ramona’s tumultuous relationship and LOLOLOLOL remember when Leah threw a ravioli at Ramona’s fucking face??? Pepperidge Farm remembers and also so does Leah—look at her shit-eating grin as she rewatches it.
Anyway, we dive into Ramona and Leah’s big falling out over Leah *checks notes* dancing in a dress at Ramona’s stupid birthday party? Or somethign? And if you assumed she and Leah had finally come to some sort of understanding about what exactly went on that night, you are incorrect because Leah is still mystified.
Ramona blathers some nonsense about it not being ladylike or whatever and Leah’s like, “Why didn’t you just come over and be like Leah pull your dress down” instead of trying to SHUT DOWN PRODUCTION ON THE SHOW??? Luann backs her up and is like “Bitch you are fucking crazy.”
Andy then asks Ramona if she sees the double-standard she holds Leah to.
He points out that Ramona thought nothing of it when Sonja said she has a fat pussy.
And listen, nothing has ever been funnier than this room full of adults deconstructing the words “fat pussy” as if this is a serious discussion! I mean look at Leah over here like “Mmm hmm, yes, I see,” as if they’re at some 92nd Street Y lecture on the semiotics of Wong Kar Wai’s Days of Being Wild and its influence upon the subtextual emotional nakedness of both Sophia Coppola’s Lost in Translation AND Barry Jenkins’s Moonlight!
This shit is so fucking funny.
Also pussy shit aside, remember how while Leah was dancing SONJA WAS SMASHING A MIRROR WITH HER STILETTOS AND DORINDA HAD TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL THE NEXT DAY TO GET A PIECE OF IT REMOVED FROM HER FOOT???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
I just… what on EARTH?!
Ramona’s defense of this double standard is that she never asked Sonja to behave whereas she did ask Leah to and I’m sorry but that’s the stupidest fucking shit I’ve ever heard in my entire life and I was an evangelical Christian for like 15 years. Leah isn’t having it either and continues pressing her.
And as dumb as the last thing Ramona said was, the next thing is just… I don’t even… fuck it just roll the fucking tape.
“I find Sonja funny like Lucille Ball, but I find you crass.”
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ma’am! Ma’am hhhhhWHAT?! A of all, last I checked Lucille Ball was never like “I got a bonfire on these pussy lips don’t burn yourself on these red-hot natural redhead labia ow ow ow!” like what on EARTH are you talking about??? But more importantly YOU SHIT DINGLEBERRIES ONTO THE RUG OF AN AIRBNB ON NATIONAL TELEVISION.
Crass?! CRASS?! I just… my brain, she is broken! Ramona finally just gets exasperated and is like I JUST DON’T LIKE LEAH WHEN SHE DRINKS OK?
And like lol ohhhhhkay Ramona. But man, it gets so much worse from here. We come back from commercial and, you know what’s coming, right?
And BITCH! Just LOOK at how the air in the room changes the farther down this question Andrew gets. Sonja’s like “Oh fuck me here we go shit fuck fuck shit oh God…”
And bitch look at Leah, I was legit scared for Ramona’s life.
That is the face of a bitch craving the salty metallic taste of BLOOD. And then there’s Ramona…
Who’s like, “I’ma gut this faggot anus first once the cameras go down.” Sorry to drop the F-bomb but you know it’s true look at her face!!! She is gonna kill Andrew I’m so scared!!!
Anyway, Leah explains that she doesn’t know how the story got out there but she had written an article about her mental health struggles in 2016 and figures one of Ramona’s friends got to Googling because:
Lolololol drag the entire Upper East Side to the actual trash like a desktop icon, my queen! Ramona’s response is—and I wish this were a bit, but it’s not—“one of my best friends is bipolar.”
CAN YOU FUCKING BELIEVE THIS SHIT??? She totally repurposed “I’m not racist, some of my best friends are Black!” and “I’m not homophobic, some of my best friends are gay!” to make it about bipolar disorder?!?!?!?!!!!!!!!!!!! Bitch my fucking skull and everything inside it imploded into a fucking supernova I swear to Almighty Christ.
But see Leah’s smarter than me, because she uses a far more incriminating line of prosecution. When Ramona tries to front like she outed Leah’s shit out of concern, and then is all “my friend is bipolar and in the hospital right now” Leah bellows “THEN YOU SHOULD KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN DRUNK AND BIPOLAR YOU STUPID FUCKING NARCISSISTIC DINGLEBERRY DISPENSER!”
It’s not a direct quote, but that was the gist. Anyway, Ramona counters by lecturing Leah on how she shouldn’t be drinking if she’s on meds. And leah’s like I’M NOT ON MEDS YOU SENTIENT HEAP OF SPRAY-TANNED SILICONE. Again, I’m paraphrasing. And Ramona’s stupid ass is like “HOW WOULD I KNOW THAT?!”
And lololololololololol is this bitch serious?! Leah’s shouts back the obvious: “YOU SHOULD HAVE ASKED ME!” I mean have you ever heard anything so stupid in your entire life? Like you know you’re fucked up when Sonja Morgan is the fucking voice of reason.
Ramona relents and admits that she should have spoken to Leah first, and for a hot second it seems like this might all simmer down, but then Ramona actually says—SHE ACTUALLY SAYS!!!!!—“I did not do it maliciously.” And BITCH!!! LEAH! IS! FUCKING! DONE!
Ramona, because she is a four-year-old child, doesn’t take the hint and doubles down.
And Leah fucking UN. LOADS. I’m just gonna give you a series of screencaps so you get the sense of how fucking EXPLOSIVE this was, how digusting Ramona’s reaction was, and how quickly everyone else’s stomach just flew the fuck out of their butt as Leah laid Ramona out like, Idk… what’s a thing you lay out? IDK BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
Everyone is fucking MORTIFIED. I cannot stress to you enough that Leah is up out of her chair SCREAMING at Ramona from across the room. I mean READY TO FIGHT. And all the other women are just horrified. As they should be! Leah’s kid is only 12 years old! Can you imagine being 12 and having to process the fact that your mom’s brain is potentially unstable enough that she once ended up in the hospital?! Ramona did that to a fucking CHILD! For a TV SHOW!
So how do you suppose Ramona responded? If you said she located her sense of basic human decency and apologized lololol you are too fucking stupid for this Substack please go walk out in the sea! Instead, it gets so much worse! And you guys, I swear to God I watched it three times so I know this acutally happened and I didn’t hallucinate it while reclined in a 19th-century opium den: Ramona actually fixes her mouth to say that 12% of Americans are on antidepressants and instead of getting defensive Leah should be open about her mental illness so she can:
And for a split second, Leah is so fucking out-of-body that she loses her combativeness entirely and is just pure, unadulterated human shock.
It honestly broke my heart. I mean this is some sick shit. Even Andy has had enough and is like bitch are you seriously serious???
Ramona cops to the fact that she should’ve brought it up to Leah personally.
And Leah’s like “THANK YOU!” She admits it still would have pissed her off, but Dorinda adds that at least in that scenario Leah would have had a fucking voice.
Andy then asks Leah why, if she’d already written an article about her mental health struggles, does it bother her so much that Ramona outed it on the show. And I know Andy’s playing devil’s advocate here, which is his job, but for real? FUCK THIS. This kind of shit is egregious. People think that just because you’re open about your life that it becomes community property and yo, if you’re one of these people, please flush yourself down the toilet! As a person who went through a pronounced phase of ~*oversharing*~ both on the internet and in real life, I’ve been in Leah’s shoes (albeit on a vastly smaller scale of course, on account of not being a famous!). It’s the most victimizing feeling to have people co-opt stuff you’ve labored to share for their own purposes, even for something as simple as a joke. Don’t do this shit.
And besides which, the answer is fucking obvious to anyone with a functioning brain and heart. Airing your private shit on national television is a whole different ball of wax than writing a fucking article on the internet. And as far as Ramona is concerned, the revelation of her husband Mario fucking around on her and leaving her for another woman was already in the news long before it ever aired on this show but we never saw any of these women playing gotcha with Ramona about it on-camera, and if they had she would have had a fucking meltdown. Quite rightly! But all that aside, Leah shouldn’t have to justify any of this shit because, as Dorinda says, it’s Leah’s story, not fucking Ramona’s. Period, end of discussion!
But that, naturally, isn’t enough for Ramona. She asks Leah why she didn’t just bring it up six months prior on her own terms if ownership of her story was so important. And Dorinda’s like MAYBE SHE DIDN’T WANT TO YOU FUCKING IDIOT FROM HELL?!
And Leah concurs—she had no intention of discussing it on the show. None! So then Ramona does this classic thing that people ALWAYS DO when you’re an outspoken person who dares to have personal boundaries that aren’t for other people’s fucking litigation DAD! Oh sorry I let my own personal shit seep in hahahaha *ahem* ANYWAY Ramona’s like:
And my God aren’t you just tired? I’m EXHAUSTED. This is exhausting!!! People this obtuse and up their own ass are fucking exhausting. And that’s on what? SCORPIO ENERGY. All of you should’ve been drowned at birth. Anyway, thankfully Dorinda comes in with a nice comic relief drag of Ramona.
I mean OBSESSED! There are lesbians less invested in people’s vaginas! I bet hot-ass Rob isn’t even this invested in Leah’s vagina, and he put a whole-ass baby in there!!! (Mmm, let’s take a moment to think about Rob. Mmmmm I want him to pound nails through my eyes and then hogtie me and catapult me into a burning building. Woof!)
ANYWAY. Leah then perfectly encapsulates Ramona’s entire shit: She likes to blurt out shit she knows could destroy people in some way. And all three of the other women are like YEP! Leah’s deranged, Dorinda’s an addict, Sonja needs AA…
And again, I remind you, when! your! best! friend! drags! you! it! means! you! are! trash! Then Dorinda reminds us that at last year’s reunion, while Luann was still on probation, Ramona just blurted out an accusation that Luann was still drinking, which could have resulted in Luann going to fucking prison. And like, ACTUAL prison, not just vodkajail! All Ramona has to say to that is “At least I’m not a liar,” meaning Dorinda.
So Dorinda’s like OH YOU MEAN LIKE HOW YOU’VE BEEN HONEST ABOUT THAT FUCKING FACELIFT??? Which—you guys, I can’t believe I forgot to include this previuosly, but Ramona claims it’s just skin treatments!!! AHHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH SHE LOOKS LIKE JIM CARREY IN THE MASK FOR FUCK’S SAKE! Which is basically what Dorinda says more succinctly by simply bellowing IT’S A FACELIFT!
Andy, this shady bitch, then puts Ramona on the spot and point-blank asks her if she’s had a facelift, and—
HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
So Dorinda starts yelling “Just be honest!” at Ramona over and over again the way she was doing to Leah earlier, and when Ramona won’t cop to anything, Dorinda’s like JUST BE HONEST YOU’RE A SEMEN-SOAKED TROLLOP!!!
And Sonja—because fun fact: She is a gift from God sent from heaven to remind us of His unending love—just blurts out, “That one’s true.”
Meanwhile Luann is like committing suicide and I will never stop watching this show. Anyway, everyone has fucking had it, Dorinda most of all, and for once, she uses her rage powers for good. She goes, “You’re AWFUL. Go with your 60 best friends and leave mine alone.” And lololololol both Sonja AND Luann simultaneously are like:
“FIFTY” in perfect unison and I screamed. And then Dorinda called Ramona “wretched” and I screamed again.
“I think you’re wretched.” I mean!!! “Wretched”!!! What a perfect word I still haven’t regained my composure. And Ramona, because she’s—let’s be real—fucking stupid, has no comeback.
Ooh sick burn Singer. Go back to the kids’ table the adults are talking.
Anyway, Andy asks if there’s any way Ramona and Leah can move forward, and of course they’ve become close since all this went down so now it’s time to make-up. Which, honestly, Leah’s a better man than me cuz I’d have been like, “NO go tie this bitch to the subway tracks and leave me the fuck alone to NURSE MY BIPOLAR DISORDER” and then I would’ve tried to pop her implants by throwing props at her tits. But that’s me!
Instead, Ramona explains that she feels maternal toward Leah because Leah reminds her a lot of herself when she was younger and that she really respects Leah’s strength and the fact that she’s a strong, self-made woman. Leah says that because there is a maternal aspect to their relationship, and Ramona subsequently betrayed her, that brings up her mommy issues.
That breaks Ramona’s resolve and she’s like “Come give your mother a hug” and the whole studio is like YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO HUG IT’S A FUCKING PANDEMIC YOU HORSE’S ASS.
So instead they elbow bump, which sends the health enforcer guy storming across the set, but at least they made up I guess!
They sit back down and as Andy is wrapping up Ramona looks at Leah and is like you know I love you.
And like ok that’s nice and all but CAN YOU STOP BEING SUCH AN ABUSIVE ASSHOLE??? To that end, Leah’s just looks back at her like “fine whatever my God please put me in a grave I can’t suffer another moment with this insane woman.”
And there you have it. RIP Ramona! Until tonight I guess, when the final reunion installment airs and we are finally free of these women’s reign of terror my God I have never been so tired of anything in my life please end it.
Anyway, that’s that! See you next time!
THE TINY IGLOO COOLER!!
hahaha a classic and a must-have for any trip to the wonders of the world!