Figure Out the Way Your Life Is the Way It Is
A #RHONY S12 E19 Recap, Malapropistically Speaking
Well! There has been an EARTHQUAKE in the RHONYsphere this week!
Dorinda is leaving us! No one is exactly sure what’s going on but here are the RUMORS and I know a lot of you don’t watch this show you just come here for the jokes so feel free to scroll down I won’t be offended okay HERE’S THE RUMORED GOSS:
Dorinda was getting fired, so she quit so it’d be on her own terms. ALLEGEDLY!
The same day, Ramona removed, and then replaced, “RHONY” from her Insta bio, which has led to several theories: She is quitting too; she’s been fired too; or there’s a contract dispute and she was playing games, and maybe someone at Bravo was like “Bitch don’t make us take you to court stop announcing shit before it’s finalized.” Which, it’s Ramona, all of those options would track. In any case ALLEGEDLY!
Bravo is shaking things up and making room to rebuild the show around LEAH and bring in newer, younger Huswifs. ALLEGEDLY!
Of course, there’s no way to know for sure, and honestly is this or any of these shows even coming back at all?! I mean you can’t do this shit till there’s a vaccine! They can’t go anywhere or do anything, so the fuck are they gonna do, film these hoes just chilling in Ramona’s backyard in the Hamptons for 20 episodes? I will see you in hell first! And this is why we must elect Joe Biden TRUMP HAS RUINED THE HOUSEWIVES FRANCHISE VOTE! HIM! OUT!
Regardless, a shake up is in order because while my recaps may be a THRILLING exercise in literary fireworks every! single! week!, this season has been dumb and boring and if Leah hadn’t come out of the woodwork my God, one shudders to think. It’s really gone the way of Beverly Hills, which has been boring for like three consecutive seasons and then suddenly perked up this year with a lesbian sex scandal involving celebrated American actress Denise Richards that is almost CERTAINLY contrived but thrilling nonetheless!
I digress. Let us get to work on Episode 19. So in case you’ve forgotten, last week’s ep (all previous recaps are here) was all about Dorinda’s rage issues, and we ended with Ramona confronting her about it and Dorinda behaving like a sociopath.
So okay. This ep opens later that evening, as the girls are getting ready to go out. Ramona and Sonja are talking about what to do about Dorinda, and Ramona, because she’s a fucking visionary, says "I like to google things. I learn from that.” Wow! A thought leader! How she hasn’t been placed on the board of a VC firm in the tech space by now is truly a mystery. The mind reels.
Anyway, in one of the most profoundly strong cases for restricting who gets to be on the internet that has ever existed, Ramona decides to send an article about anger management to Dorinda.
Cuz lol people love when you do shit like that! Very useful and proactive! But it gets so much worse: She sends it in a GROUP TEXT to Dorinda, and Luann and Sonja!
Tell me true have you ever encountered a person so utterly clueless? This is the dumbest idea anyone has ever had in the entire history of human cognition. Not only is it WILDLY passive-aggressive but it's also a gang-up. Even a totally self-actualized paragon of mental and emotional wellness like myself would be like “I WILL FUCKING GUT YOU LIKE A FISH” if you sent me a GROUP TEXT with a NO CONTEXT LINK about ANGER MANAGEMENT. Bitch are you for real?! So how do you think Dorinda is gonna take this?! Ramona is an actual moron.
But Frick to Ramona’s Frack—one Sonja Tremont Morgan—thinks it will come across as intended, like, hey we’re just starting a conversation here no big!
Like this is just a jumping-off point for discovering solutions to what the fuck is wrong with you, Big D, we’re all friends here and this is a collaboration no prob Bob! And like LOLOLOLOLOLOL have you two ever met literally ANY human beings EVER in your entire lives or did you just spring fully formed out of a fucking POD 24 hours ago because this is literally not how ANY human being since we first appeared in Africa has EVER operated AT ALL ever even ONCE and I just struggle to comprehend why anyone would do this like who is this stupid?!?!?!
And that's before we even get to the fact that the article in question is from fucking Healthline dot com!!!
I’m sorry but this is the funniest shit that has ever happened on American television. Healthline dot com?! LOLOLOLOLOLOL of course. I mean at least it's not WebMD but we all know REAL ONES fuck with Mayo Clinic dot com, not fucking Healthline. Amateur shit! I mean like, sure, WebMD is your parents sending you a Facebook article about how Democrats have announced a “lifesaving coronavirus vaccination protocol” that is actually Joe Biden and Anthony Fauci kidnapping people and holding them hostage in the backroom of a gay-owned artisanal cupcake shop where they fuck each other in the ass and then inject the hostages with the semen while Hillary Clinton pins them to the floor with her labia. But Healthline is only marginally better! Healthline is like one of those FoxNews articles that is nominally true but gets all the interpretation totally wrong, like, "Climate change is getting worse and killing people and we are all going to be dead soon and it is definitely attributable to human activity SPECIFICALLY MUSLIM HUMAN ACTIVITY" and you're like oh Jesus Christ please just garrotte me with a Pumpkin Kutter™ humanity is an act of terrorism.
MAYO CLINIC dot com, however, is like a good deep-diving Rachel Maddow MSNBC monologue. It's unwieldy and digressive and takes forever to get to the fucking point, but in a COOL way, for COOL people!
Speaking of WebMD, remind me to tell you about the time in a pre-Healthline and Mayo Clinic dot co dot uk era when I got an EXTREMELY high fever and sore throat and chills and shit and went on WebMD to research my symptoms and it told me I might have the opening cytokine storm of an extremely high-viral-load HIV exposure and I panicked because whilst at that point in my life I’d never even had buttsecks I HAD just been down on my knees in Soho the night before blowing a film executive bareback and you can bet your ass I swallowed like a champ because I’m not a fucking AMATEUR and have RESPECT, so I immediately texted a friend of mine who’s HIV positive and was like “OMFG I HAVE A FEVER AND CHILLS AND A SORE THROAT AND WAS GUZZLING ANONYMOUS JIZZ LIKE LISTERINE LAST NIGHT AND WEBMD SAYS I HAVE FULL-BLOWN AIDS NOW WHAT DO I DO?!?!?!” And he was like that is literally not a thing and HIV has literally never been transmitted by oral sex even once in the entire history of gay pestilence go to bed and I was like BUT THERE’S A FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING WHAT IF I’M BLOWJOB-AIDS PATIENT ZERO?!?!?!?! and he was like YOU HAVE THE FUCKING FLU YOU DUMB FAGGOT GET OUT OF MY PHONE AND GO TO BED and I was like “THIS unsupportive bitch is CANCELED” and then it turned out I had waht a few weeks later was identified as Swine Flu™. Which was not a joke, I have never been that sick in my life! I hallucinated and passed out in the hallway on the way to the bathroom for three hours! Anyway fuck a WebMD, for real.
Also this isn’t relevant but the friend in question calls his HIV meds “AIDS-Be-Gone” and that will never not be the funniest thing anyone has ever said in my presence.
ANYWAY lest you think I’m just making a mountain out of molehill here with this Ramona sending Dorinda anger management links in a GROUP CHAT thing, Luann gets the text in her room and audibly gasps in horror.
Then she goes to Frick and Frack’s room to alert Ramona to what she’s done because she assumes Ramona sent it to the whole group accidentally because WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU DO THIS, and then her brain implodes as she finds out that oops no Ramona is just a full-tilt fucking buffoon.
Ramona, naturally, defends herself all, “I’m not tip-toeing around this anymore!” And look, I’m all for facing problems head-on but like here's the thing that drives me crazy about human beings IN GEN, but espesh your Ramona Singers of the world: Do you want to fix the ~*problem*~ or do you just want to ~*exorcise*~ your ~*angst*~? Because what Ramona's doing is only effective for the latter, and will only make the former worse because rare is the human being who can tolerate even the gentlest of criticisms let alone an out of context GROUP TEXT full of ANGER MANAGEMENT articles from fucking HEALTHLINE. And the idea that doing something ELSE is "tip-toeing around" is fucking stupid and baseless and makes no sense! You can deal with things as they are or as you wish them to be but never the twain shall meet! Wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which one fills up first! Folksy!
Anyway Frick may be an oblivious ninny but Frack seems to understand what a mistake this is because in the middle of Ramona ranting about how she's mad and not gonna take it anymore or whatever Sonja just bellows "LOCK THE DOOR” as if at any moment Dorinda is going to burst through it riding atop a tank with a bazooka on her shoulder. As she ought, quite frankly!
Then, Luann's phone starts chiming off the hook and, sure enough, it's Dorinda retaliating.
Just news article after news article covering rumors about Ramona, Sonja and Luann having breakdowns and getting arrested and shit, Luann’s phone jingling like a damn slot machine.
And look, Dorinda needs therapy like the desert needs rain or whatever that song in the 90s was but I truly believe in being the petty you want to see in the world, so I fucking CLAPPED for Dorinda from beneath my Ikea duvet at this. Blow up those phones, Big D! Just outstanding work, a tip of my hat to Dorinda, specifically this hat:
That’s supposed to be a GIF but I guess we’re no longer allowed to have GIFs in here because we live in hell and literally nothing ever works properly. I swear to God all the fucking money these tech companies have and when’s the last time you used literally ANYTHING on the internet that just WORKED the way it’s supposed to? Was it roughly about never yeah same here. I swear to God I am tired in my bones. And while we’re at it every food product’s little tear-off seal can suck my dick from the back too. I am approximately 437 years old and I have never ONCE in my entire fucking LIFE had a tear-off seal actually tear the fuck off without incident. At BEST it tears off in 938 individual pieces and by the time you get the shit open you have grown an ancient white beard so long it is tangled in your pubic hair, but more often what happens is they’ve affixed the seal with some aeronautical adhesive developed by NASA to adhere the wings to space shuttles so you’ve used so much force trying to peel it off that when it finally DOES release the entire shit explodes into your face and now you have to have emergency eye surgery because ranch flew into them at such velocity it has detached both corneas I swear to fucking God I have fucking HAD IT WITH THIS!!! I have been through enough already! Anyway what’s the deal with airplane food and also women amirite okay that’s my time thanks for listening to my tight five I fucking hate it here!
Speaking of HAD IT Luann has with trying to explain to Ramona that now, instead of just being on the defensive against ONE person, Dorinda’s going to be on the defensive against THE ENTIRE GROUP, so she bounces. And whompst does she run directly into immediately upon exiting Ramona and Sonja’s room but Dorinda Medley herself.
Look at Luann doing a classic like Three’s Company lemme-play-with-my-hair-and-stammer-while-I-try-to-think-of-something-to-say-to-cover-up-a-hare-brained-(hair-brained?)-scheme hand gesture. Terrific.
Also we need to talk about these pants. I watched this shit via Zoom with my friend Brooke (hey girl!) and we went 70 rounds about these pants, which are obviously hideous but IDK *extremely Joey Tribbiani voice* I like 'em! You know, like that part of that one Thanksgiving Friends where Rachel fucked up the trifle and put beef and peas in it and everyone is barfing but Joey's like "I like it!" That's me with these pants. Idk they’re kicky and fun Idk!
Also, I'm just gonna say this because it's been years that I've been holding this in HATING FRIENDS IS NOT A PERSONALITY. And besides, it's fine! Yeah, I know it's homophobic but like I am a gay whose own mother won't speak to him because of homophobia I PROMISE YOU I understand homophobia and its implications in a way most of you never will and Friends is FINE and also LOL I don’t wanna bring the room down here but have you looked at the news lately like we have bigger fish to fry and everything is horrifying so can I just watch Jennifer Aniston deliver a hokey punchline to her weirdly erect nipples I mean come on man like IDK maybe we could get Woody Allen in jail first before we focus on rehabilitating the GRIEVOUS SOCIETAL HARM of fucking Friends I mean seriously you all make me fucking sick I hope you die of rectal gonorrhea!!!
That said, hating Big Bang Theory IS a personality and the reason I know is because it is MY personality on account of that show is a violation of the Geneva Convention. The prosecution rests.
Anyway Luann looks at Dorinda's pants in disgust and she's like aren't they cool and Luann is like "yeah... they’re... wow..."
She hates these fucking pants!!! And she is both right and wrong because they are both awful and wonderful and sometimes that's where life happens you know in the messy middle in the muddy gray so do not fucking AT me about Dorinda Medley's pants made from the afghan laying across your grandmother's plastic-encased floral-print sofa from 1977 I will not be taking questions at this time thank you!!!
Anyway after the pants chat which incidentally is the name of my new podcast, Dorinda marches right into Ramona and Sonja's room pretending like nothing happened all like "Here Sonja here's these earrings you wanted to borrow" and Sonja's like:
And Sonja’s instincts are correct because in the SAME breath without even so much as a break in her stride Dorinda's like:
And then after she hands Sonja the earrings she pauses at the door to be like "Keep the articles coming…”
“I double-dare you”??? BITCH I HOLLERED!!! The shade, the barely concealed rage, man honestly Dorinda makes me pine for the halcyon days before I went to therapy and got right with the Lord because this was absolutely how I used to run shit and boy was it fun being a messy bitch who lives for drama!!!
(Oh looks like GIFs are working again but I’m not deleting that rant up there because I’m still mad) I mean I still am a Messy Bitch Who Lives For Drama but I try my best to only be an OBSERVER nowadays, not an INSTIGATOR. But you know, when you're a mentally ill Sagittarius, Messy Bitch Who Lives For Drama is always in your blood! You can take the mentally ill Sagittarius out of the Messy Bitch Who Lives For Drama but you can't take the Messy Bitch Who Lives For Drama out of the mentally ill Sagittarius as the adage goes, Kierkegaard said that!
Anyway, Ramona, because she's A--an actual idiot and 2--trash, cannot think of a comeback so she's just like “You're diflecting.”
Look at her, all the confidence in the world. And both Dorinda and Sonja are like “it’s de-flecting you stupid bitch,” and then Dorinda lays a hand upon Ramona’s arm in sisterly care and concern and tells her to get a dictionary and my soul left my body.
And then as she leaves she's like "Get educated" which delighted me because it reminded me of the very pinnacle of cinema, which is that video where the two dudes are fighting about The Wizard of Oz?
Anyway, all that said, you didn't think we were gonna actually get out of this without Darth Dorinda coming out right? Sure enough, Ramona can't just let it go and yells after Dorinda that she should look in the mirror, and now Dorinda's like:
She storms back in and starts incoherently declaiming shit, as per custom.
She’s not even drunk this time so this is extra impressive. I have no idea what this means but I am definitely worried for Ramona nonetheless!
Anyway, now it’s time for Ramona’s nuclear option (which LOL never elicits more than an eyeroll every time): she tells Dorinda she’s worse than her very abusive father.
And NOW it’s time for DORINDA’S nuclear option which, as we have witnessed countless times before, is to become a full-tilt sociopath. She begins fake crying while wailing, “Traumatized” over and over again.
And I mean can I just be honest here? I don't understand how Ramona and her are still friends. Because this isn't the first time Dorinda has mocked Ramona's trauma and maybe I'm melodramatic but like if we were fighting and you ever dared to be like, "No wonder your mom doesn't talk to you,” I don’t give a fuck how in the wrong I might be that would literally be the end of you forever? And I don’t even like the woman that much! She can cook like a motherfucker and she was accidentally funny sometimes but she also grounded me for three weeks in fifth grade for calling my friend Adam a, and I quote, “dildo”! Like!
But still, come on, this is cruel! I am a below-the-belt-puncher from way back (speaking of my mom, ask me about all the times I yelled at her "I’M GONNA GO LIVE WITH MY DAD IF YOU DON’T GIVE ME [candy, a toy from the grocery store checkout line, basic human affection]!!!” while watching her entire soul crumble as a child of FIVE YEARS OF AGE). I appreciate the art of crushing a spirit as much as the next guy but I’m sure as hell not gonna spend any of my VERY LIMITED TIME ON THIS EARTH actually tolerating you doing this to me??? Like I truly don't understand this friendship but maybe that’s me and the ease with which I cut people off and pretend they’re dead that has resulted from a lifetime of fractured family relationships hahahahaha punchlines!
That said Team Dorinda forever because fuck Ramona.
While D and Ramona are screaming at each other, the editors treat us to a glimpse of what's going on outside Ramona’s door, which is Luann eavesdropping and then being like "eugh buoy should I go in th—yeah no fuck this I'm out."
Beautiful editing and storycraft. In any case, Dorinda leaves and Ramona is MYSTIFIED that she's so angry. And in the room Sonja blows a bunch of smoke up Ramona’s ass, but in her interview she's like what did you expect??? But she had very good reasons to not stop Ramona from sending the text, you see.
Seriously has Sonja been inducted into the PGA because THIS is PRODUCING! At least give her Bethenny Frankel's producer credit!!!
Back in the room, Ramona is now bobbleheading about how dare Dorinda say she's jealous of her and then she says...
And at first I was like “lol I know right so mad I pooped myself who among us lol” BUT THEN:
AND THEN:
(GIVE👏SONJA👏MORGAN👏A👏PRODUCING👏CREDIT👏)
AND THEN!
While watching this on Zoom Brooke and I both somehow just instinctively knew to pause the video and stare at each other in disbelief for 45 minutes of interrupted, stunned silence.
Now I'll be first to admit my knowledge of female anatomy is nil and I know sometimes y'all can't hold your pee in for like reasons and that's fine and I get it and all bodies are beautiful and perfectly made in God’s image but I have a question and it is this HOW DO YOU SHIT YOURSELF AND NOT KNOW IT UNTIL YOUR FRIEND IS LIKE "LOL YOU JUST DROPPED A DINGLEBERRY ON THE FLOOR" WHAT ON EARTH IS GOING ON??? Like is Ramona Singer getting fisted on the regular and her o-ring is totally shot??? HOW DO YOU SHIT YOUR BATHROBE AND NOT KNOW?!?! HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW???!!!!!!!
I'm not kidding I need answers in the comments of this post or I am shutting this Substack down! Recurring Patreon donations will continue uninterrupted though please do not ask thank you!!
I also need to know why Ramona is just constantly shitting on floors in Latin American countries I mean first the Cartagena Travertine Shitsmear™ and now this Cancun carpet dingleberry what is the REASON what is the CONNECTION what is she NOT TELLING US???
Anyway, Luann goes to find Dorinda outside and try to get through to her which my God, when will these women learn, the season finale can’t come soon enough. She tries to broach the subject of Dorinda blowing up all the time and this time, maybe out of spite, instead of getting angry Dorinda goes full martyr.
I mean, come on. As the great Dolly Parton once said, “Climb down off the cross, honey, somebody needs the wood!” But Dorinda is undeterred, and tries to make this whole thing about her past drama with Luann last season, in which they quite literally ended their friendship and then reconciled, and Luann is trying to get through to her that it's not about that so much as it’s about her being a loose-cannon psychopath and hurting everyone’s feelings.
And Dorinda just plain isn't listening and is talking about totally different, Luann-specific shit. You ever have those arguments? Where it's like, yo, WHAT does this have to do with the price of tea in China, as our grandparents used to say! You know who does this shit in particular? TRUMP SUPPORTERS. You're like "ok but legit he is putting babies in cages and just like letting us get pestilenced" and they're like OBAMA PROMISED ME A MANSION ON NEPTUNE FILLED WITH THE MOST DELICIOUS OF CAKES AND THE MOST INTRICATE OF EMBROIDERED SILKS AND INSTEAD HE TOOK MY AK-47s AWAY AND MADE ME DO LESBIAN ABORTIONS WITH MY HOOVER VACUUM CLEANER!!11!! And it's like okay A of all NOT ONE of those things happened and 2 of all WHAT! DOES! THAT! HAVE! TO! DO! WITH! THE! PRICE! OF! TEA! IN! CHINA!!!!!!!
My point is this conversation made me feel insane. I swear to God Dorinda if you're reading this I beg of you: Use your RHONY retirement to go to therapy. REAL therapy, not that vitamin man in the ill-fitting logo polo shirt we saw a few episodes ago. (I’d still ride it tho, I have low standards and am extremely lonely.)
ANYWAY. Dorinda and Luann go forty rounds until Leah comes to join them and Big D tries to shut it down. Leah tries to play it cool and just start a convo about Dorinda’s hideous beautiful afghan pants, but Luann can’t take a hint.
And Leah, speaking for all of us as usual, is like:
But THANKFULLY, Leah speaks up to back up Luann so we can all have some hope of ever getting the fuck out of here, and FINALLY Dorinda relents. But it seems... REAL insincere. But Leah has had enough and is like "she said she's sorry, you guys are good," and Luann just sort of abandons ship and honestly thank God because at this point it’s 19 fkng episodes of this. Go eat something in Jesus name.
They finally move on to dinner, and now it's time to watch Ramona abuse the waitstaff. She bitches about how the wine is "too old"--not because it TASTES old, mind you, because she looks at the label and SEES that it's old.
You know, like AGED WINE? This is a woman who used to have her own wine line but somehow doesn't know--you know what nevermind, let's just watch Sonja drag her to the garbage dump from whence she came.
Wonderful.
The waitress comes back with a different bottle of wine and now Ramona freaks out because the bottle's cold. Which if she knew ANYTHING about wine AT ALL she would know that you are supposed to dunk a bottle of red in an ice bath for like 60 seconds before serving it. THAT is the optimal temperature for reds. It's true! Of course nobody does this because who cares enough to have a fucking ice bath laying around, but in a fancy restaurant where you're being SERVED by PROFESSIONALS like... that is what you're supposed to be doing! Literally ask any sommelier and they will tell you this and also that Ramona is trash! Anyway the whole table drags her.
Then Luann is like, "Man you are causing so much chaos tonight" and Leah's like wait what? Because they left her off the text message with the Healthline article, so she has no idea what all the drama’s about. And now she's mad! Sonja shows Leah the text thread, and once she’s caught up she puts Ramona on the spot.
Remember what I said before, are you trying to solve a problem or exorcise your angst? Yeah well, boom, as they say. This is why I fuck with Leah so heavy. Anyway that stench you smell is the aroma of a steaming pile of signature Ramona Singer Bullshit™ because instead of answering the question she launches into... well, signature Ramona Singer Bullshit™.
And goddammit I wish they'd done a close-up of Sonja for this because she just openly groans, "Uh-kay, here we go" and looks at her plate like she’d give anything to just be dead. Then Luann and Sonja lose their battle to not openly laugh at Ramona and now not even SHE can keep a straight face at her own bullshit.
And then even Dorinda cracks up and she's the one that’s mad and being attacked!
Then Ramona tries to get it all back on track and doubles down on the drama like, "Whenever I'm with you I feel like I'm on pins and needles" and Leah cannot abide another moment of this and is just like bitch whet?!
In her confessional Ramona gets pissed that all these women who ALL have issues with Dorinda don't back her up, which is fair, but like RAMONA IS SO NOT THE VESSEL FOR THIS MESSAGE. Like we need new words for “not the vessel” to accurately describe how not the vessel she is!!! Anyway look how rabidly insane this woman is.
Next, Ramona tries to “diflect” and restir shit between Lu and Big D and Big D's like lemme stop you right there we already made up so bite my ass. Ramona is at her wit's end, so Sonja jumps in to kind of take Dorinda’s side, saying since she takes care of everyone, of course she's wound tight. In her interview, though, she cops to be just trying to placate Dorinda because she’s been on the receiving end of her wrath before, and we get a retrospective of one of my favorite moments of Dorinda fucking Sonja Morgan all the way up, which made me scream a hole through my throat when it aired.
I know I say this every recap but THE WRITING!!! They also show us the time when Dorinda yelled "Liar liar, hoe on fire" at Sonja. I can't believe she quit this show.
Anyway, Sonja tells Dorinda she doesn’t have to be the hero all the time, and that she can count on the girls.
And it works. Before you know it, they’re toasting to their friendship and at long last this long national nightmare is over, thank you Jesus.
The next morning they go back to New York, and now it’s time to watch Ramona THANK FUCKING CHRIST go to therapy (although can she get some kind of companion discount for Dorinda’s ass?) because, quote, "I don't like feeling bad."
Wow. Groundbreaking. Ah yes of course. The desire to not feel bad. Relatable.
Sidebar: Am I just extremely, intensely sexually starved or is her therapist fine as fuck?
Like A of all those eyes and 2 of all that’s a face that’s seen the inside of The Eagle once or twice. Marry me, Ramona's therapist.
Anyway, Ramona starts bobble-heading to him and we learn that she saw him once for like a consultation 3 months ago and this is the first time she's been back which is the most Ramona shit I've ever heard. The therapist is 100% not here for it either. Ramona starts droning on about how she's been breaking dates and that's why she's having life problems, or something, because she needs to find love and blah blah blah and every word comes at bout 97 miles per hour and not a one of them makes a goddamn bit of sense. And Dr. Gregory’s just like:
Then she goes on and on about how her friends are always telling her she should try being more natural on dates because she acts too coquettish around men, which she demonstrates in the manic, brain-meltingly awkward way only Ramona Singer can.
And Dr. Gregory picks up his therapist batphone and is like “Fetch the straightjacket and make haste I cannot bear another moment.”
Unfazed, Ramona just keeps droning on about her weird dating life and how she’s trying to self-actualize and fix her life and this dude is so not into her nonsense that he's just like "IDK lady just keep doing what you're doing" and that's the end of it.
Like LOL p sure any time a therapist is like “Yep, love it don’t change a thing” it’s code for “You are irredeemably insane please leave my office and pretend I died.” Like just gimme my new patient leads from being on a Housewives show and get out!
But as bad as that was, the next scene is even worse: We go to Luann's accursed fucking cabaret rehearsal and I AM SO TIRED OF THIS SEASON MY GOD. Seriously end it. END IT!!! And if you can’t end IT then end ME!!! I don’t care about this!
We do at least get a couple laughs: Sonja was apparently supposed to be at this rehearsal, but claims Luann forgot to tell her about it. They go back and forth and Sonja’s like, my launch party for my fashion line is tonight I never would’ve agreed to this. And then she says besides, “I’m impromp-TOO”—pronounced with the emphasis beautifully placed on the wrong syllable—“so I don’t NEED a rehearsal,” and hoo boy Luann loves that!!
Shoulda paid her like she asked, Lu!
Next we go to Leah's, where she's having dinner with her mom, Bunny. You may remember from earlier in the season that Leah and Bunny have a contentious relaysh. Well, it's gotten even more so, because a couple weeks ago Leah and her sister Sarah went to the spa and Sarah told her how Bunny said that he doesn't like Leah, and that she doesn't really like Sarah either, but Sarah at least makes more of an effort to be likable.
Can you believe this shit? HAVE YOU EVER HEARD ANYTHING SO FUCKING BALLER IN YOUR FUCKING LIFE?!?! I mean sure we just watched two girls’ hearts get irreparably stomped on *jerk-off motion* but like PEOPLE WHO SAY WHAT THEY MEAN AND DON’T BEAT AROUND THE BUSH?! We love to see it. The #1 thing I miss about New York man, for real. Just imagine how much easier family life would be if you could just be like, "Look real talk, I'll give you a kidney tomorrow no questions asked but otherwise I really don't fuck with you so see you at Christmas. Or not! I mean it's chill!" MY GOD THE EASY BREEZY BEAUTIFUL COVER GIRL OF IT ALL.
But like, it’s also very mean! Like I get it, I bet having kids sucks and if I ever accidentally make one I am immediately drowning it in the toilet, but you can't say this shit to your kids! Like what the fuck Bunny! So understandably, Leah is... not at all happy. And that's before we even get to the fact that Bunny’s dinner is literally a plate of broccoli and 47 rice cakes.
So Bunny's also a sociopath cool cool cool.
Anyway this dinner’s awkward as fuck. Leah confronts Bunny about what Sarah told her. And Bunny just laughs!!!
And Leah’s like brb emotionally collapsing!
And Bunny’s like, look I love you always but now and again, I might not like you, and on another day, I might not like Sarah. And look I maintain this is shit you should never say to your children but this IS how life is isn't it? And I imagine it's double with children. But then Bunny gets to the real shit: She's still mad that Leah's drinking again. And at first Leah’s exasperated.
But then she opens up about how guilty she still feels about what she put her mom through when she was an alcoholic and how sometimes she feels like she's still acting out those relationship dynamics with her.
And Bunny, who you may have gathered by this point is all heart, just a real warm-and-fuzzy Earth mother type, is like:
“Fine.” And like, we know what she means—stop beating yourself up, it all worked out great!—but you can FEEL that all Leah wants in the WORLD is for Bunny to say you did WONDERFUL and I'm PROUD of you. But instead Bunny says that she just doesn’t want to see Leah lose everything she’s built, so she must be honest with herself about the drinking. Leah concedes this, and then admits that she just needs to hear her mom say she’s proud, and look, Bunny might be an ice queen—and maybe this is just my own experience with the Queen of Ice Queen Island herself, my own mother—but I don’t know a lot of ice queen moms who would actually relent and do this.
Dude I know I’m broken but man, Leah’s face just fucking got me.
This is all any of us wants, isn’t it? BRB drowning in a bathtub full of my own tears!!! Anyway they share a big hug and then Bunny takes us out on a laugh.
Guys I know Aileen Wuornos could show up to my door covered in blood with a human femur in her mouth and be like, “Be my son” and I’d be like *heaving sobs* “MOMMYYYYYY!!!!” but I think I love Bunny!!! Maybe if we ever get a vaccine and there’s another season of this show Bunny can be the new Dale!
Finally, we get to the big finish: Sonja's fashion line launch party. Aww, look how excited she is!
She enters the Century 21 store to a big round of applause, including from all the girls, and please enjoy the expression on Ramona’s face that my screencapping ineptitude and laziness have produced.
No Ramona only Zuul.
As Sonja talks about all the little projects (most of which... lol failed) in the past that finally led up to this big success, the editors give us a retrospective, beginning with the launch of her beloved toaster oven.
It’s a lifestyle, you guys. (Also for those of you who watch this dreck, remember this whole thing, when Heather Thomson agreed to produce a photo shoot for Sonja and she was just a full-tilt nightmare of a mess and it nearly ruined their friendship? My God never do favors for anybody! I truly miss this RHONY heyday. Talk about messy. *chef’s kiss*)
And then, of course, how could we forget the time Sonja tried to bite Bethenny “Skinny Girl” Frankel's style and Bethenny was like "I am an actual toxic diet culture billionaire with a lawyer on retainer who lives in that broom closet over there and I just really wish a motherfucker would."
Funny how Tipsy Girl never came to fruition. I wonder why? The mind reels.
Next, Sonja does her red carpet and she's so fkng happy and Ramona and Leah are both wearing Sonja Morgan New York dresses and she's so happy!
Except this old lady here on the left she hates all of it. HATES IT! She said "Where is the closest Vera Bradley I fucking hate this!!!" and listen the heart wants what it wants ok!
I need a sidebar here though wtf is the deal with Vera Bradley that shit is so fkng ugly. Why are you people into this shit? There was a period where every female person I knew had some kind of Vera Bradley tote bag, and still to this day you can't swing your dick around an airport without slapping your foreskin against a Vera Bradley tote bag full of US Weeklies! I mean, not that I'm flying nowadays or have a foreskin because I HAD MY WEINER BRUTALIZED BY BIZARRE AMERICAN MEDICAL PRACTICES AND NONSENSICAL HYGIENE STANDARDS FOR LITERALLY NO DISCERNIBLE REASON WHATSOEVER, but I'm just saying like if I WERE flying and if I DID have a foreskin because I HADN'T been brutalized my little dickhat wouldn’t be able to help but be all over some Vera Bradley and that is extremely weird because that shit is ugly and gross! And you may be asking why my foreskin would be out in an airport in the first place and listen NICE TRY AT DIFLECTING but those bags are hideous and I'd rather you just carry your earbuds and Cheez-Its in a plastic bag from the Dollar Tree it is too goddamn early in the morning for all that hot pink paisley shit!!!
Anyway speaking of foreskins these two are DEFINITELY sliding their tongues up under each other's later.
For a second I thought they were gonna start fucking on camera and totally upstage Lu’s arrival!
Anyway, the party begins and Ramona harangues another waiter, as per tradition.
And like first of all no they absolutely do not call this “The Ramona” you bloviating ball of bobbleheading batshittery, but more importantly look at how just from this tiny sliver of a glimpse of this poor waiter's face you can tell he just wants to murder-suicide her.
This isn't particularly important and those of you who don't actually watch this shit won't care but I need you to know that in this interview comment…
…Luann slipped into her old trademark Luann way of saying Sonja--which, for whatever reason, was “Sunya.” I do not know why, it has never made any sense and has always been weird and no one else on Earth says it like “Sunya” but I’m telling you, go back and watch the early seasons and it is always “Sunya.” Nowadays she still says it wrong--SAHN-ya--and she is literally the only person who says it this way, including Sonja herself who says SOAN-ya like a normal fucking person, but Luann is a maverick you know! She does things her way! I respect it!
Anyway let’s check back in with Ramona what is she up to oh yep she’s still abusing this poor waiter.
And she apparently has a purse full of straws? For some reason? I do not even have a joke here, merely a question and it is this what the fuck is wrong with this woman?
Meanwhile, Luann is droning on about her stupid cabaret show and Dorinda is talking about a cyst on her hand.
You know, normal party shit. Anyway UPDATE:
This absolute fucking animal is STILL terrorizing this waiter and seriously abolish the police and the carceral state but before you do please put Ramona Singer in a maximum security prison she is a menace and a scourge and I have fucking had it.
Anyway Sonja goes to give her big speech and of fucking course...
And I'll give you exactly one guess whose fucking phone it is. Sonja calls her out in the middle of her speech.
And then Ramona shows Sonja that she texted the person calling, "Sorry I can't talk right now" as if it absolves her?!
In front of all of these people could you fucking die?! I wouldn’t even bother with trying to absolve myself like Ramona did I would simply ~*pass away*~ But Ramona of course has no shame, and I mean tell me true have you ever in all your days observed such assholerie? I surely haven't and I once worked on a film set with Courtney Love so you know I've seen some shit! (Specifically Courtney Love's vaginal flange and no I'm not kidding and no I don't want to talk about it.)
Anyway, Sonja, because she is perfect, turns it into a bit about what an insufferable slutty asshole Ramona is. She's like "Yeah yeah we get it you had to take the call cuz you've got a date."
IDK if this bit translates to screenshots, so basically it was like a drag about how Ramona always says her dates are just friends, but then she’ll end up with this “just friend” at a corner table in some fancy resto eating some million-dollar delicacy like truffles that have been shoved up a chicken’s ass. IDK maybe it was more the delivery. WHATEVER IT WAS FUCKING FUNNY. Was it as funny as this Century 21 exec standing there like "haha what is happening am I dead is this hell haha"? No, but it was close!
In any case it kills! Sonja gets a big laugh and then regains control of the room and honestly like she's good at this! Sonja would be a good stand-up I think, she really commanded this thing and she's funny! After a very heartfelt thank you to the girls, who she called "family," she even does a shout-out to her toaster oven!
Everyone laughs hard and loud about the toaster over and Ramona's like "I still WANT the toaster oven!" and Dorinda's like:
And Idk maybe you have to have been with this show from the jump but the fact that Dorinda in all sincerity loves the Sonja Morgan Home toaster oven enough to have it at her mountain retreat is the funniest shit this show has ever given us in 12 years.
Anyway, Leah says it best--“Sonja is glowing tonight” in a way we haven't really seen before and it was really heartwarming to see her in her element!
Well done old gal! May you enjoy much future success, especially since it seems like Bravo is shaking this shit up and you might be out of a job. I kid I kid!!!
So there you go! One more ep to go, and then it’s on to the reunion, for which we got a preview today and it looks to be a whole-ass mess!
Ooh bitch! And Tinsley’s there, which is great cuz now she and Dorinda can fight about nothing from across an awkwardly socially-distanced room!
So that’ll be at least two eps, and then, gasp! We’re done! I’m gonna have to figure out something else to do to get attention and human interaction every week… Brb just gonna go get super anxious real quick!
Okay well, I’m off to breathe into a paper bag but I love you and think you’re great and pretty and I am proud of you like Bunny is of Leah! Spend some time this week figuring out the way your life is the way it is, okay? Ok bye now!