Don't Fu*k With My Hair: The Tinsley Mortimer Story
A Real Housewives of New York S12 E11 Recap, I Guess
Hello there everyone how have you been black people are being lynched! Literally! I know we’re here for escapism and we’ll get to that in a minute, but have you read about this? They are literally being lynched—as in literally hanged from trees—in California, in Texas, in Oregon, in New York, a new one every fucking day, and the media is barely talking about it and the police are calling them all fucking suicides which is fucking PREPOSTEROUS. And I’m just gonna be honest, I am so fucking angry about it I almost couldn’t do this recap today.
Whites, we need to have a quick word. I am very worried about the d-word: Denial. A lot of us seem to be under the impression that since a bit of progress on race issues has been made in the past couple weeks, that means a tide has turned. And maybe it has! I hope so! But it’s far more likely that we’re just an inch or so up the incline side of a long curve. When you’re done reading this I want you to read up on two things—in fact here, I’ll give you a head start: Boogaloo, and Day of the Rope. Then use that context to think about the fact that Black people are turning up hanging from trees every morning at the moment.
Be honest: Does this seem like a state of affairs that can be rectified by an election? Do all these psychopaths just slink home with their tails between their legs on November 4? More important: Have you given any thought to how you would show up for your country and especially for Black people if there wasn’t an election coming up? Because, sorry to say, that is highly likely to be the situation we’re actually in—did you see what happened last week in the Georgia primary? Pretty hard to vote people out when they won’t even let you vote. What happens then?
I want to be clear: We will win, eventually. Fascism always fails—every time—and there are far more of us than them. But it just seems like a lot of us whites don’t realize the full scope—and you can’t fight something you can’t see. We may have begun winning a battle or two, but the war has only just begun. Meanwhile, here’s Black people’s present reality.
So, like, keep your foot on the gas. We have a long way to go.
Okay. Now take a deep breath. Exhale. Chant the sound of om three times to begin our practice. And now let’s talk some fucking Housewives.
(Catch up on other episodes here if you want or don’t I don’t really care what you do it’s fine!)
So okay! After a few meaningless montage moments, we open at the performance space for Luann's stupid fucking cabaret show because, God help us, it is the day of auditions for stand-up comedians to be in her show, and honestly is there anything more nightmarish? I figured that whole comedy show with Jacques a few weeks ago was the nadir, but boy was I was wrong. We must descend at least 500 more yards down the abyss because fun fact: Bravo gets a cut of any and all of these women’s receipts for anything they promote on the show, so we are contractually obligated to be shown this nonsense!!! THIS is fascism!!!
Sonja, who you’ll remember from last week has been asked to join this show, finally arrives and she and Luann do the French bise—the air-kiss greeting—and Sonja, just making conversation, asks if it’s supposed to be two kisses or three. Naturally this is Luann’s cue to draw this out into a whole thing about how they do the bise in this part of France and that part of Spain and it’s entirely fucking insufferable, but not as insufferable as when Luann says, “Oh this would be a funny bit for me and Sonja to do in the show!” Excuse me? Ma’am! ON WHAT BASIS? Funny TO WHOMPST? You have a bunch of soused gays and Scary Sadshaws coming to watch an ex-con crack wise with a woman whose dress is constantly falling off, you think these people give a fuck about air kisses?! Since there’s a paycheck involved, Sonja fakes like this is genius but in her interview she drags Luann instead.
Wonderful. The comedians start coming in and oh God pls strike me dead. Please believe, as someone who’s dabbled in live comedy, I am 100% on the side of the comedians. Team Comedians! But this is painful to watch, mainly because Luann clearly wants to die even more than I do.
After the comedians have left—none of them get hired, by the way—Sonja and Luann start rehearsing their comedy which… eugh buoy. Here’s a sample bit: Sonja asks Luann if she should still call her “The Countess,” because we haven’t rehashed this in practically every episode for the past five fucking years. Luann replies, “Well a lot of people think I shouldn’t use the title because of my divorce,” and then Sonja says,
AHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA WOW WHAT A CLASSIC GAG WITH A SET-UP, TENSION AND PUNCHLINE WOWEE WOW SOMEONE DID THE READING!!! I mean honestly just drive a hot poker through my wrists. This bit might be funny if it were Janice and Miss Piggy doing it on The Muppet Show but this is rich women who have seized a comedy show by fiat so it’s profoundly unfunny. But that doesn't stop this brown-nosing queen who’s producing the cabaret from ERUPTING in laughter I fucking hate this show.
And then because God is dead and we live in hell, this happens.
I pine for the cool embrace of the grave.
Now we go to Tinsley's, where she is chatting on the phone with Leah about her weekend in Chicago with her ex-boyfriend Scott, from which she has just returned. The weekend was great and magical and honestly, good! I’m happy for her! I’m hard on Tinsley but I don’t begrudge her happiness, and honestly miserable Tinsley has been boring AF so maybe happiness will actually make her interesting! I doubt it though!
Anyway, Tinsley and Scott are going to give it another go so she is moving to Chicago and leaving the show! Which honestly should probably be given more weight in this recap (and the episode, for that matter) but what I want to talk about instead is that according to Tinsley’s Instagram she and Scott now live in the John Hancock building which is my dream life because hello hi excuse me hello THE FUCKING CHEESECAKE FACTORY IS DOWNSTAIRS!!! Can you imagine! I mean look obviously the “American Dream” no longer exists because we are all squatting in terror in the burned-out hull of the world's erstwhile foremost republic, but if your “American Dream” isn’t an apartment connected by ~*high-speed elevator*~ to a plate of Buffalo Blasts and other assorted trademarked appetizers then what the fuck are we even fighting for!!! I mean did you see that woman in Minneapolis who looted a whole-ass Cheesecake Factory cheesecake during the riots?! That place is not a joke! Essential business!
Anyway, it is Hallowe’entide so the ladies are going to a haunted house called Blood Manor. They all have a staged arrival wherein a monster jumps out and scares them and that’s all fine and good but what we first need to discuss is that Elyse (UGH, Elyse) shows up and ALERT!!!! Her outfit is actually cute for once!! Lookit!!! (Disregard the clown, we’ll get to him in a minute.)
It's a cute top with a leather pant it’s simple it’s chic we love this for her!!! Finally! FINALLY this gazillionaire hedge-fund lady wears something she did not purchase from Contempo Casuals in 1997!!! God is good and he is what? GOOD ALL THE TIME in Jesus’ name!
Anyway, speaking of that clown up there he is WILDLY overeager and is just like EARNING that SAG card in these women’s faces henny!
Dorinda arrives and, cool cucumber that she is, befriends her zombie instead of screaming at him.
Honestly this is relatable. The only good man is a braindead man who can't talk! I think it was Bishop Desmond Tutu who said that. Anyway Dorinda’s zombie boyfriend may not have scared Dorinda but please enjoy him scaring Ramona's insane ass.
But nothing can compare to Sonja’s reaction.
She ran into the damn street. Fun fact about me, I do not fuck with Hallowe’en because I think it’s dumb and boring and also I am too up my own ass to be able to let loose enough to enjoy such a thing because I am broken! But it is very fun to watch other people enjoy Hallowe’en from the sidelines as life inexorably passes you by leaving you to wonder if you will ever know the joy of abandon or the peace of self-acceptance, so I am enjoying this foray into a haunted house!
Anyway, this dead clown guide is basically doing his own spin on Michael Keaton as Beetlejuice and I cannot stress enough how hard he is WERQING for these close-ups!
Honey she is ready! She has the look! She has the nerve! She has the RANGE!!! She said, OPRAH SAYS LUCK IS WHEN PREPARATION MEETS OPPORTUNITY NOW GET THESE CAMERAS UP AND LET’S GOOOOOOOOO!!! Honestly I respect it. Game recognize game, hurt ‘em Clownie Girl!
Leah, though, has had it.
Anyway, they begin the tour and Ramona's like EVERYONE STAY TOGETHER so Sonja grabs Ramona by the hair.
And off they go! There's a zombie who greets them by saying "You're gonna die here" and then reveals someone sawing a dead body apart and Dorinda is fucking OUTRAGED.
And this is why I love her, because this is precisely the reaction I have to things like this, especially in horror movies—I turn into a humorless Tipper Gore who's just absolutely INCENSED that someone would have the POOR TASTE I mean HOW DARE. It’s nice to feel seen. Anyway Ramona has a psychotic break while shouting, “I gotta get outta here I gotta get outta here!”
And then that fucking clown comes back and Leah loses her shit.
Tinsley, meanwhile, has mostly been unimpressed by this experience, but then she gets to a room full of wind machines and all bets are off.
And once again this show forces me to empathize with Tinsley against my will because this is exactly how I would respond to this. EVERYONE SHUT UP AND STOP BLOWING MY HAIR AROUND I HAVE FUCKING COWLICKS OKAY?
Anyway, all in all it seems like if haunted houses are your thing and we ever have a normal Hallowe’en again Manhattan’s Blood Manor is the place for you! Personally I would rather stay home watching ALF on Tubi (have you checked out this app they have some seriously weird shit on there it’s great) but that's me and my sophisticated tastes!
Next they go to a Mexican restaurant for dinner and for some reason out of nowhere (*ahem* because the producers instructed them to) they all decide to be mad at Tinsley for Instagramming that she's back together with Scott before talking to them about it and like IN WHAT WORLD all you women do is bully her about her relationship status for fuck's sake!
Honestly I’m glad Tinsley’s leaving if only to never have to deal with this manufactured drama again I mean I am weary like Job of this shit. Anyway Tinsley reveals to the ladies that she's defo back together with Scott and moving to Chicago. Leah tries to toast to Tinsley's big news. BUT OF COURSE Dorinda can’t have it. She just has to bully Tinsley one last time, for old time’s sake. She fake-congratulates Tinsley with a veiled “good riddance.”
And then starts talking OVER Tinsley about the girls’ yearly trip to the Berkshires and tells the other girls to ignore her too!
And they fucking just OBEY her! Honestly, these women are just garbage. Why can't they just be happy for Tinsley! I DON'T EVEN LIKE TINSLEY AND I'M HAPPY FOR TINSLEY! These women are just so PRESSED, it's ridiculous. I’ve never seen people so animated by jealousy! I mean I can't talk really, the entire reason I still have a Twitter account is so I can fill with seething jealousy at the young gays who are all still pretty and relevant and have tens of thousands of followers because the feeling of envy coursing my veins and igniting the consuming fire of my life's regrets is the only way I feel alive, but I HAVE AN EXCUSE FOR MY ANIMATING JEALOUSY! Do not ask me what it is because it is not relevant ask instead WHAT'S THESE WOMEN'S EXCUSE! I think I’ve made my point!
Anyway these women are fucking mean, and Tinsley correctly points out that they stay riding her dick about her personal life when she's miserable and keeping shit to herself, but now that her personal life has come to some fruition these bitches don't care.
It’s honestly the most pathetic thing I've ever seen. These women are in their whole-ass 60s with the minds of 7th grade girls! Dorinda even goes so far as to say this whole thing is a ruse on Tinsley’s part to make them look like idiots.
Ma’am WHAT?! The woman is marrying a dude and moving halfway across the country to spite you? Honestly my kingdom to have that kind of blind self-regard for just 15 mins out of my life! My God, the things I could accomplish! It would be ME interviewing these idiots every week instead of Andy Cohen! I’d be doing a far better job too! Although real talk, I watched Watch What Happens Live the other night on a whim, and scruffy quarantine Andy can fucking get it. My god. The hair is shaggy, the beard is thick with salt and pepper, the titties were straining against that tight merino sweater, even the wonky eye seemed to have done some introspection during all the downtime and decided to straighten-up and fly right! I would. Except he has a baby now and I am emphatically not fucking with that.
What the fuck are we talking about. Oh right—the conversation gets heated and Dorinda will not stop harping on the fact that Tinsley lives in a hotel, which like everything else Dorinda ever tries to drag her about is a completely normal thing in Manhattan, and Tinsley finally snaps and basically does this.
Then Dorinda, who never saw a moment to go below the belt she didn’t seize upon with both hands, offers Tinsley a turkey baster so she can “actually have a baby.”
And I’m sorry, you should know by now that I think everyone alive should be tossed into the sea, but Jesus Henderson Christ WHAT is the call for being this fucking mean? I mean, damn if I were Tinsley, I’d’ve leaned over and been like, “WHY DON’T YOU GET YOUR DEAD HUSBAND TO NUT INSIDE ME INSTEAD” or something, I mean that’s not a good burn, I’d come up with something better than that, but my point is Michelle Obama can suck an egg, when they go low, you go LOWER. Drag Dorinda’s deepest pain like she’s dragging yours! Especially because after she does so, she does this deeply weird celebratory thing about what a renegade she is.
Oh wow yes we're all very impressed that you, a 55-year-old mother of a grown-ass daughter, behave like a rancid, jealous 13-year-old girl. Like come on! And Dorinda’s my favorite! But honestly I'm getting to a point where I only ride for Leah now cuz sorry, this isn't even funny. Mean isn't funny! Sorry! It’s not! Okay that’s not true at all, mean is absolutely very funny, but not THIS mean!
Anyway, Leah, referencing the fact that these women repeatedly get on a high horse about ~*etiquette*~ and ~*behavior*~ says this thing.
Which I cannot wait for them all to fight about at the reunion!!!
Next we go to Sonja’s business meeting for her Sonja by Sonja Morgan by Sonja Morgan New York In Partnership with Sonja New York by the People Who Brought You Morgan York Sonja New Morgan York Sonjork Newgan™ or whatever the fuck it’s called, and honestly who cares BUT if you’ve watched this show for years like I have you’ve seen Sonja kinda go through it a bit and it’s just really wonderful to see her have a win. She finds out that Century 21, an amaaaaaaaaazing discount department store in New York (think Nordstrom Rack crossed with like a Neiman Marcus at WILD discounts, I have a closet full of wonderful Century 21 finds from my days as a dirt-poor homosexual who hadn’t yet given up on life!!!) wants to hawk her entire line in their stores I mean look at her face!!!
Even her intern is excited! She says she’s trying to play it cool but she wants to scream in joy and ugh I mean... I hate everyone because ~*Scorpio rising*~ but my actual sign is Sagittarius which means I am the Executive Director of SAD GIRLS CLUB and so this just UGH SONJA JUST ALWAYS FINDS A WAY (trust funds and whiteness but still) TO HANG IN THERE AND COME OUT ON TOP YOU KNOW *sobs to death*
Anyway next Ramona is dragging Dorinda and Sonja to some event space for her stupid birthday party that she told them was in Manhattan but is actually a whole-ass hour away on Long Island, which is the point at which I’d be demanding the driver let me off on the side of the freeway. I can’t think of anything more nightmarish than being schlepped an hour away to an undisclosed location by Ramona Singer. In any case, they get to this event planner’s studio and Ramona launches into one of her diatribes about how she’s gonna throw a huge party because she loves her girlfriends so much, and Sonja and Dorinda are like, “This bitch.”
Because dedicated viewers will remember that last year Ramona had a birthday party and did not even invite Dorinda and Sonja because she wanted to social climb with fancy ladies-who-lunch types. Dorinda and Sonja have been her friends for like 25 years and she just didn’t invite them! It’s unbelievable. Even still. Ramona goes on and on about how this year she’s having a party for only her closest friends, which is a list of 60 goddamn people. Have you ever in all your days? Just a human nightmare.
Perhaps calling Ramona’s bluff, Dorinda suggests that she and Sonja have a joint birthday party because they’re best friends and their birthdays are like two weeks apart. But Ramona isn't having it because, she says, this is her special "coming out" party, where she's coming out as single? Or something? I honestly have no idea because she’s so fucking manic none of it makes any sense.
She just rattles on and on and on and on about how this party is only for her so she can honor her girlfriends but also honor that she's single and also honor that she doesn't care that she doesn't have a man to pay for it because she is honoring herself and her girlfriends and their strength and she's single and not married and coming out as single and celebrating her strength and her girlfriends because she’s single and while I am aching for a fucking bullet to the brain the event planner is just sitting there with this barely concealed look of “Is this bitch on angel dust?” like:
For her part, Dorinda has basically just begun dissociating.
Ramona, of course, because she’s thirteen years old, says that Dorinda and Sonja are just jealous of her because she has more friends than them.
I don’t even have a joke to get us out of here and off to the next scene. Ramona is just insane. I don’t know what else to fucking say.
Next we go to Leah's and nothing really happens but we do get to look at her sexy-ass babydaddy again.
Snap my neck like a twig, daddy, FUCK. Anyway nothing really happens in this scene, but get to see a bit of the endearing dynamic between Leah, her over-it daughter, and Rob, which is all kind of adorable. Rob and Leah really are like an old married couple who bicker and give each other playful shit but aren't married and don't fuck which, lol, is that really any big loss because men ain’t shit and besides, as Leah puts it:
At last we arrive at our final scene—at the dreaded T-Bar, where we last saw Ramona caterwauling in public in episode one about not having a husband. Ramona and Luann have invited Tinsley for goodbye drinks, because they feel guilty for the way she treated her after the haunted house, as they fucking should. Ramona, as she tends to do, reveals that underneath all the mania and mean-girling, she’s actually a very sweet person and she and Tinsley have a lovely moment.
And Tinsley is very moved! But of course, as always, Ramona immediately ruins it when this rando named Ron shows up in the middle of their conversation.
Ramona has tacked a farewell to Tinsley onto her fucking date.
This woman! Is! TRASH! So Tinsley revises her previous reaction downward.
Unbelievable. But here’s where things get REALLY fun. Sadly this will only translate to you actual fans of the show who are familiar with the back seasons, so the rest of you just sit tight for a minute while we veterans enjoy this trip down memory lane. It turns out, Luann and Tinsley both know Ron, and we get THREE fucking GLORIOUS CALLBACKS to RHONY seasons of old.
Beautique!!! And then Tinsley realizes she knows Ron via!!!
Harry Dubin!!! From a night when they all partied at!!!
THE FUCKING REGENCY!!!!
Which, quite rightly, has Luann fucking TRIGGERED.
For the uninitiated:
—Beautique is a tragique pick-up joint that was the site of two iconic RHONY moments: Bethenny calling Kelly Killoren-Bensimon “So 2000, who cares,” which is a really good insult for KKB; and Tinsley’s 45-year-old shit making out with a weird 23-year-old. Jezebel did a very hilarious feature on this sad place in 2016.
—The Regency is another former haunt of these women and the very site of the very cheating by Luann’s husband that sent her into the very tailspin that ended with her threatening to kill a cop and going the fuck to jail!
—And Harry Dubin? Well, Harry Dubin is this legendary gross rich dude who has literally fucked every single one of these women as well as several people no longer in the cast, one of whom was his ex-wife Aviva Drescher, who sucked so hard and good riddance BUT you may have heard of her even if you don’t watch the show because she is the lady who threw her prosthetic leg at Heather Thompson in what is arguably the most iconic moment of all the Housewives shows put together. In fact let’s just roll the tape. (Go to 5:00 if this embed fucks up.)
God this show. *chef’s kiss*
Anyway, that’s a tough act to follow and I’ve kinda done Tinsley dirty here robbing her of her big moment but whatever. So she and Ramona and Luann have a lovely goodbye.
And now it's time for her swan song. We get one last visit from the glorious Dale Mercer, who’s come to help Tinsley pack and for whom this is all very bittersweet.
We then get a little recap of Tinsley and Scott's relationship and wow who cares but it does give us this delicious flashback to when Tinsley and Scott had just broken up and Tinsley had a mental breakdown while serving as the guest ringmaster of the Big Apple Circus and dressed as a clown.
Then Leah and Sonja come over and they all have some champagne.
And Sonja, God love her, calls Chicago “chee-town,” as in tai-chi, instead of “Shy-town,” and these shady producers didn't correct her and just put it in the show.
My god, the EXCELLENCE
And now it’s the next AM and it's time go.
As Tinsley leaves she talks about how much she's learned and grown from her 4 years back in New York—going from a divorce, to an abusive relationship and an arrest, and then coming back to New York and landing on her feet—and sure that’s easy to do when you’re a Virginia blue-blood with a trust fund, but I don’t care, people’s ~*journeys*~ move me! Including Tinsley’s. I mean, this shit really got me:
And maybe I’m just projecting because I, too, once learned who I was in New York City, and I, too, had to up stakes and leave it behind unexpectedly (though mine was under duress, but still!), and look, there is a reason there is an entire internet full of variations on Joan Didion’s seminal leaving-New-York essay “Goodbye To All That” because there is nowhere like New York on Earth and leaving it is incredibly hard! So this just really got me? And, goddammit, FINE: I'm sad Tinsley’s gone! I didn’t know I had it in me but I am! Who am I gonna love to hate now?! And who is going to be Leah’s sidekick now? Will I ever see my soulmate, Dale Mercer, again? I guess I didn't realize how much I ... *gulp* liked? Tinsley? Until she was taken from me. Bless her heart. I wish her well. I hope I run into her on Michigan Avenue someday so I can gush to her face about how much I love her as if I haven’t spent the past three months writing 11 consecutive hit pieces on her! An icon!
So there you have it. This is Tinsley’s farewell and ALSO the show’s mid-season hiatus! So there is no RHONY for two or three weeks. Bravo is doing some dumb shit where Leah and Luann watch episodes on Zoom or something so I may recap that if it's any fun but honestly it sounds dumb so whatever. Although Leah! We love Leah. So IDK maybe she gives good Zoom. We’ll see.
In any case, the previews for the back half of this season look EPIC.
So get ready!!!
Okay that is all for now! You know the drill, like, subscribe, share, Patreon, drink plenty of water and do something this week to fight white supremacy! I love you you’re great bye bye!!!