Beating a Dead Horse: The #RHONY S12 Reunion Part 3 Story
A RHONY S12 Reunion Episode 3 Recap, Obviously, But I've Given Every One of These A Dek So Far and So It's Like Stick With Your Concept and Keep Shit Uniform, You Know What I Mean?
Well! LOLOLOLOLOLLLLL I’m FINALLY wrapping up this little RHONY experiment of ours. I think at this point I am, what, a month late or something? Honestly, I feel a sense of pride, I am nothing if not consistently incompetent! It is my legacy!
But seriously thank you for your patience and apologies for my tardiness. It’s been such a weird few weeks! The week this final installment aired, I moved, and then the following week I sort of moved again in that I’m in Los Angeles until mid-December house-sitting and cat-sitting for friends and also working on a book sort of IDK do not ask me about it it is embarrassing! (Mostly though I’ve just been hiking a lot in extremely dangerous heat and sometimes wildfire smoke and then going to Jack in the Box afterward because as Little Kim once said, “Bet it all player, fuck the price.”) And then, of course, Trump got Covid and by the time I looked up from furiously masturbating to every headline announcing a new Republican pestilence diagnosis it was Wednesday the Fourteenth of October and here we are! Wow tempus fugit!
It didn’t help that the conclusion of this season and, hence, this series of Substacks, coincided with the finishing of a chapter of my life (see above, re: moving) and that is ~*emotional*~ and I find the best way to deal with emotions is to ~*simply avoid them at all costs until you absolutely cannot anymore*~ It’s my recipe for success and why I have spent most of my adult life RAVAGED by mental illness thank you so much success is a journey not a destination!!! To make matters worse… listen, I gotta be frank: I am so fucking sick of talking about this show I could primal scream. Every time I’d get some reminder that I still had one recap left to write, like someone would text me about the show, or I’d scroll through my Hulu DVR and see the final reunion episode staring me in the face, or yet another bizarrely photoshopped Ramona Singer Instagram post where she looks like a dead-eyed alien sex doll would show up in my feed, I would have an extremely Kyle Richards emotional collapse.
So, I have procrastinated this shit like it’s the damn job you people are paying me to do on Patreon haha! *winces* But by way of a segue, I feel somewhat vindicated by the fact that this episode was dumb and boring and totally unnecessary. Even (now former *sobs*) Roommate Dan, who technically only hatewatches this shit, texted me after and was like “That was a waste of time,” and when even your hate-watchers are bored that’s how you know you needn’t have bothered. I mean literally not one thing covered in this ep hadn’t already been exhaustively discussed in the previous two reunion installments and I truly DK why we are here right now!
To wit: We open with a real barnstormer of a first act: a VERY long package about… words? That these women? Frequently say with their mouths? A lot? Or something?
Like… that’s what passes for an opening salvo here: We watch several clips of Dorinda saying “Here’s the thing,” several clips of Ramona insincerely saying “I’m sorry,” several clips of Luann trying to get these women to for the love of Almighty Christ bleeding on the cross just fucking eat something before they all succumb to whatever the adult version of fetal alcohol syndrome is—and like sorry, no offense but:
And what’s even weirder about this opening is that Andrew intros it with something along the lines of, “This show isn’t just about rich bitches yelling at each other about stupid shit, it’s also an anthropological study of human nature!” The word “anthropological” is used unironically. And like, that is part of the allure of these progrums, they are a glimpse into a very specific type of deeply deranged psyche, but counterpoint THE FUCK DOES DORINDA SAYING “HERE’S THE THING” A LOT HAVE TO DO WITH ANTHROPOLOGY? You’re telling me a package of Sonja talking bout dicks reveals something about the human condition, Andrew?!
The ~*shocking revelation*~ that Leah has a weird habit of sniffing her drinks is an exposé into the human animal???
Andy, girl what? Stop trying so hard, nobody needs this! On the upside, though, it did segue to a moment where a viewer asked about who gets the most dick pics and everyone immediately unison-yelled “RAMONA” as she made this face.
So that made it sort of worth the slog. We don’t abide slut-shaming in this house. We don’t abide it! But we make an exception for Ramona Singer because any shaming is good shaming when it comes to Ramona Singer, it’s in the Constitution just ask our new overlord, prominent Notre Dame University Law School stan and Christofascist Aunt Lydia-ass menace Amy Coney Barrett! (Sorry, her Amanda Knox-looking-ass ass is on my TV screen right now and I had to shoehorn in a topical joke to sublimate my rage.)
Anyway after that totally unnecessary five mins of utterly useless horseplay, we finally get to something worth talking about:
Is Ramona Singer a good friend or a full-tilt piece of corn-studded shit that belongs at the bottom of an outhouse? Let’s roll the tape! We then get a rehash package of Ramona being a piece of corn-studded shit and doing things like bragging about how many friends she has and ignoring these women to talk to richer people on the phone and talking about these women like they’re barefoot and be-overalled Appalachian hillbillies, all of which culminates in this moment of Luann awarding her some title like “Worst Friend In The World.”
[Blows raspberry.] Anyway, this exhaustive compendium of Ramona being a piece of corn-studded shit concludes with something I’d totally forgotten happened and made me gasp just as hard as it did the first time I saw it—REMEMBER HOW RAMONA MADE ALL THE WOMEN AT HER BIRTHDAY DONATE $100 SO SHE COULD GET A GUCCI PURSE?????
Still the tackiest shit that’s ever happened in human history and THAT’S what you call anthropology! I mean my grandmother had more class than this and she was a woman who would regularly belch aloud and say “Ugh, I’m burpin’ them onions” while making a stank face.
Anyway, if you remember, in response to Dorinda’s revelation that Ramona was Salvation Army bell-ringing for a purse she could probably get wholesale with two phone calls max because she owns a goddamn fashion wholesaling company, Leah immediately shaded Ramona all like, “Well at least she can get a real Gucci bag now because all her other ones are fake.” Well, that led to this wonderful moment, in which Ramona insists all her bags are real…
And Leah looks directly into the camera and states plainly, “No they’re not.”
Delicious.
This in turn leads to a relitigation of Ramona being a social climber, and she and Sonja get into it again about how Ramona only knows all these socialites through Sonja. Ramona, of course, tries to turn it into a dick-measuring contest. (Or labia measuring contest? whatever the female equivalent is. Fallopian tube measuring contest? Clitoral hood measuring contest? I’ll workshop it.) She asks Sonja how many times she has hung out with those socialite women since that Eyes Wide Shut-ass party in the Hamptons, at which Sonja rockets out of her chair and starts to yell SHUT THE FUCK UP with her whole chest, but then remembers she’s on basic cable and changes it to “STFU” which was really disappointing because the rage in her voice when she started saying the real deal was palpable. I mean it came from the throat!
Anyway, Sonja may have pulled her profanity punch but she nevertheless GOES IN. She asks Ramona the question on all of our lips: Where will these rich Trump-fellating fascists with faces made of melted Tupperware be when it’s time for 2 for 1 martinis at the Burger Heaven??? Huh???
I mean it’s a valid question! Then Sonja vows that she will never, ever chip into any of Ramona’s purse funds because she won’t be asked to buy her friendship.
DRAG HER SONJA!!! Where will she be when it’s 2 for 1 martini night at the Burger Heaven INDEED! I actually yelled “WHOOP THAT TRICK GET ER” at my computer. Remember, from that movie Hustle and Flow? That’s a movie nobody talks about anymore, huh? It’s probably a casualty of Terrence Howard allegedly being some kind of sadist, I’m guessing. Or maybe it’s very outdated and problematic in some way? IDK, all I know is “Hard Out Here for a Pimp” fucking slaps and we don’t deserve Taraji P. Henson.
Anyway, Ramona “Women Supporting Women” Singer of course doesn’t give a fraction of a shit about Sonja’s feelings, because as she loves to tell us, she cherishes her female friendships. Like the great annals of female friendships is like Thelma & Louise, Ruth & Idgie, and then Ramona and her 60 Marie Antoinette-ass Upper East Side cat-faced nightmares. God I hate this woman.
Anyway, the next viewer question is just:
And Leah’s knowing gaze made me scream. I’m kidding, of course, the full question was “By a show of hands, who doesn’t think Ramona sounds like an asshole when she talks about having 60 girlfriends,” but “Who doesn’t think Ramona sounds like an asshole” is just as valid a line of inquiry! Anyway as you might guess nobody raises their hand, and Ramona tries to assert that she has actual, real, deep relationships with all 60 of these women she’s mentioned ad nauseum and LOLOLOL there are articles all over the internet about how that’s LITERALLY HUMANLY IMPOSSIBLE and that’s part of why social media is a fucking scourge and should be shut down! But that’s a whole other Substack. The point is Ramona Singer is full of corn-studded shit.
Then—because again, the theme of this episode is beating dead horses—we somehow veer back to Ramona’s stupid handbags and just as I’d poised at the ready to drag a steak knife across my wrist because ENOUGH, Andy asked Leah how she knows Ramona’s bags are fake and Leah’s like aside from the fact that you can tell by looking at them, THIS:
She said it with such contempt and disgust it gave me the strength to put the steak knives down and carry on for at least 30 more minutes of this stupid show. Because this is extremely true! Ramona was acting like some secretary who found a mint condition Kate Spade from 2005 on consignment over her lunch hour or something, like it was EXTREMELY weird. She’s rich as fuck! Why is a Gucci bag this exciting?! Anyway, as Ramona continues to insist her bags aren’t fake, Sonja is still mad and does her trademark Sonja thing of yelling the truth from over in the corner, God bless her.
By way of a sidebar, this reminded me of that episode of Broad City where Ilana and her mom go to Chinatown to buy bags from a stockpile kept in the sewer? Remember that? Ugh I miss that show. Remember that hot dude that lived down the hall from Abbie and they ended up hooking up and he was super into being dildoed in his butthole? Art.
Anyway, during this segment we of course get many flashbacks to Ramona’s birthday party and my God hashtag NEVER FORGET THIS TACKY FUCKING OUTFIT.
The FALL in her hair! The POLYESTER DRESS from the Juniors department at an abandoned Montgomery Ward! My God it’s all just so… EGREGIOUS. Never, ever forget this, those who forget history are doomed to repeat it!!!
Now it’s time to drag Ramona for something else: fat-shaming Sonja. As an opening salvo, Ramona tries to make it sound like she struggles with her weight too, as if that makes it ok to abuse others for theirs.
And LOL Sonja is not here for the fuckshit.
And listen we don’t abide fat-shaming here either but we ALSO make exceptions on THIS for Ramona Singer! She is a VIP when it comes to insults, feel free to throw the kitchen sink at her THIS IS A SAFE SPACE FOR RAMONA SINGER HATRED! In any case, Ramona defends herself by resorting to the old “If a good girlfriend can’t tell you you’re a fat piece of shit with gravy leaking from your pores who can?!” chestnut, and Sonja’s like Bitch counterpoint YOU MADE ME CRY ACTUAL TEARS FROM MY EYES, and in response Ramona actually sets her mouth to say:
“Me destroying your self-esteem made you lose 27 lbs from your giant fat fucking ass so you’re welcome you fat whore WHERE IS THE THANK YOU!” essentially. I mean! Eighth grade shit! This is the AARP version of this one time in 6th grade when the popular girls broke into this fat girl’s locker and filled it stem to stern with cans of Slim-Fast. That’s a thing that actually happened, and I was there when the girl opened her locker, and EYE am still traumatized by the look on her face 30 years later so I can only imagine what it did to her. This isn’t funny, should I delete this? God what a downer, Jesus Christ, you guys wanna hear about my parents’ divorce next? Anyway Ramona is a 937-year-old pre-teen mean girl is the point.
Also that girl was really nice and cool and went to Space Camp one summer and brought Polish pastries to school on her birthday once cuz she was Polish and I hope she’s happy and thriving and that the girls who put Slim-Fast in her locker have all died of rectal gonorrhea. (Never mind I checked Facebook and they’re all still alive, which is almost as disappointing as Donald Trump surviving Covid, which I don’t even think he ever had in the first place, I think it was all a stunt to distract from his taxes. Anyway! *tapdances out while doffing aluminum cap*)
The point is, Ramona is an absolute fucking ghoul, but the silver lining of this is Sonja’s retort to Ramona’s taking credit for her weight loss, which I need you to know Sonja says totally sincerely and without a trace of irony.
WE DO NOT DESERVE HER.
Next we get into the whole Ramona v. Elyse thing.
And… you guys? I was shocked to learn that basically the entire cast (save Leah, I’m assuming) is TEAM RAMONA!!! How can that be?! Sonja bellows from the corner that Elyse betrayed Ramona and Luann nods in agreement. For her part, Dorinda says she still has no idea what even happened. Ramona explains that when she approached Elyse to be on the show, Elyse promised to always have Ramona’s back even when the other women wouldn’t, which Elyse of course didn’t do. Andrew cuts to the chase.
And like lolololol okay so Elyse was supposed to just let you treat her like shit and never protest, THAT’S what it’s about. Got it. Give me a fucking break, these absolute fucking children! And WTF is the matter with Sonja and Luann backing her up on this! I hate every one of these women and this show and the entire Bravo network and I’m done.
The next viewer question asks about Ramona’s reaction to the fact that Sonja, Dorinda and Elyse all basically said Ramona is a fair-weather friend and totally self-absorbed, and lololol look at Ramona listening to this line of questioning.
So you probably assume Ramona has a good answer to this question, right? LOL GO FISH BITCH. Her answer is, “I like friends who are happy and positive,” which is basically the Donald Trump “I like soldiers that don’t get captured” of Real Housewives one-liners and I sincerely wish her ill and strife!
At this point, we are so out of shit to talk about that Andrew is actually asking us to rehash Sonja’s problems with her ramshackle townhouse.
And sir! Sir! Sir who cares!!! I mean this entire episode did not need to exist! You were so focused on the fact that you COULD do three reunion episodes you didn’t stop to think if you SHOULD!!! I mean just end this.
As if that weren’t bad enough, we next segue to a chat about Sonja’s success with her fashion line at Century 21. But here, there is at least actual news to discuss! But… ugh, I regret to report that it’s not good news, and my heart broke. Because look how happy she still is about her big fashion triumph!!!
Sonja does it all for her dorter so this must mean so much to her! But like… it’s 2020 and like… there are, you know… some headwinds when it comes to the retail sector and whatnot *winces* Andrew asks the question on all our lips.
LOL I was gonna go back and get a better screencap than this but this one is too funny, look how dumb he looks. If I were a conscientious person I’d really commit to the copyright infringement and purchase an Adobe Creative Cloud subscription so I could run this show through editing software and find the exact frame I need, but doing it haphazardly with my stupid laptop just provides too much comedy and also I am extremely cheap and lazy, I’ll never change.
Anyway, they don’t get into it on the show, presumably because it hadn’t happened yet, but the thing is… Century 21 went out of business!!! Which is bad enough for Sonja, but it’s also really and genuinely heartbreaking in general. For those of you whompst have never been New Yorkers *jerk-off motion* Century 21 was an NYC institution! Think TJ Maxx but with both MUCH higher-end merchandise and WAYYYY better deals. Utopia! It fucking ruled and I bought all of my clothes there (and Filene’s Basement!) in my New York years.
But beyond that, Century 21’s flagship store was literally across the street from the World Trade Center, and was blown out on on 9/11 but somehow survived total destruction.
(JET FUEL CAN’T MELT STEEL BEAMS AND ALSO HIGH-END DISCOUNT RETAIL.)
Century 21 not only survived that—and the recession that followed—but thrived, to use the cliche turn of phrase, so it was sort of a symbol of the way New York just keeps on trucking no matter what befalls it, if you will. To be felled by a totally avoidable pandemic, of all things, is just such a bummer. And what a bummer for Sonja! Finally, after 8 seasons, our girl knocks one out of the park and months later… UGH. However! Silver lining: It sounds like Sonja made a fucking BUCK before this all went down.
So something tells me our girl will come out ahead in the final analysis. And! She’s built her brand now! So in today’s landscape, especially post-coco, she probably doesn’t even NEED a brick-and-mortar iteration. I mean look at Leah, her shit has BLOWN UP during quar and she’s online only. Sonja’s future is bright! This has been me unironically becoming extremely invested in the business futures of Sonja Tremont Morgan thank you so much I couldn’t do this embarrassing work without your support!!!
Next we talk about Dorinda’s anger issues. AGAIN. We have already been over and over this and to be honest you guys what sincerely just went through my head was, “You know what, I’m done. I’m done! I covered half this episode and that’s good enough and it’s time to move on, like this ~*chapter*~ of my artistic life has ~*concluded*~ and at this point it’s like that part of the finale of Six Feet Under where it’s like ~*time for Claire to get in her Prius and drive off into the desert to Sia*~ but she keeps trying to photograph everything instead, and then Ghost Nate appears and is like, ‘You can’t take a picture of this, it’s already gone’ and she starts sobbing and we start sobbing and now everyone is sobbing because we all know Ghost Nate is correct and like life moves on and you either move with it or you stagnate!!!” You know, that thing?
But I have a well-worn pattern of never finishing literally anything I start and this is already a month late, so LET’S SLOG THROUGH THIS FOR THE 857TH FUCKING TIME I GUESS.
So okay. Did you know that Dorinda has anger issues?! We’ve only spent what feels like 18 years talking about it so this might be a revelation to you! (I am so fucking angry right now.) After we rehash all of Dorinda’s worst (best) moments—including the one in which she just LET JOHN BAHDESSIAN BURN HIMSELF ON THE OVEN which I’d totally forgotten about and made me scream so loud I scared these cats I’m taking care of and one of them just ran under the bed—we get down to some nitty gritty.
Andy asks Big D basically what the comprehensive fuck her whole entire deal was, and Dorinda says she was more overwhelmed in her life this season than she’s ever been (remember that her house flooded, which forced her to sort through all her belongings, which forced her to confront her grief over her dead husband Richard, and while that was happening she also had two health issues and her relaysh with John Bahdessian dissolved—it’s a lot!), and then she had to film the show on top of it all, and what it really came down to was she just didn’t reach out for help enough. And Ramona’s shady ass is just sitting there like…
Like, “Bitch who you tellin?” But I can’t fault her because *pulls collar* this look is exactly what we were all thinking. Okay but THEN. Speaking of Ramona, Dorinda turns to her and is like:
Hoo bitch! It’s on! Dorinda’s legit crying, and says that she and Ramona have been friends for 20 years and yet the entire time her life was falling apart, Ramona never once reached out off-camera. And the whole room is like oh Christ, here we go. Because it is veh-HERY obvious that Ramona is not here for the fuckshit.
She leans down to the table beside her and pulls out the drawer and starts rifling around…
And then pulls out…
A FOLDER!!!! And Andrew’s like!
And Leah’s like!
And Sonja’s like!
Because guess what’s in the folder? GUESS WHAT’S IN THE FOLDER!!! You know what it is!!!
IT! IS!
THE RECEIPTS, MY DARLINGS!!!
RAMONA HAS PRINTED OUT SCREENSHOTS OF HER AND DORINDA’S TEXT MESSAGES PROVING THAT SHE REACHED OUT AND IS A GOOD FRIEND AND SHE HAS COURIERED THEM TO THE SET IN A FOLDER, BELOVEDS!!! And do not think Ramona is fazed by Sonja bellowing from her corner “RAMONA PUT THAT AWAY.” Oh no, my precious chickadees!!! The defense has done its due diligence and court is in SESSION, my sweet baby pikachus!!!
Except oops! *record scratch* Ramona’s defense is…
Please enjoy Leah’s reaction to this moment.
ONLY Ramona Singer could come up with a supposedly slam-dunk defense this fucking inept—I mean this shit is sociopathic! “EXCUSE ME MA’AM, once we were no longer filming the television program on which I am not only personally but financially invested in behaving like a full-tilt goblinmonster, I was a VERY terrific and sensitive friend to you HOW DARE, MADAM, I BESEECH YOU HOW DARE!”
Like… are… you fucking kidding me?! Unsurprisingly, this gambit goes over like a lead balloon and the whole room is like “THIS bitch.” Dorinda says what she needed was for Ramona to pull her aside and say, Hey you seem to be experiencing a complete and total mental collapse, is there anything I can do for you, like perhaps inject you with high-grade livestock tranquilizers or have you involuntarily committed? But instead, of course, Ramona just attacked her in front of everyone over and over again.
Which is all fair enough. But then Andrew asks the obvious question:
And like lololololololol ISSA NO BB, right? Like obviously THAT’S A NEGATIVE, GHOSTRIDER, THE PATTERN IS FULL. (That is a Top Gun reference thank you so much.) Because, like, every time anyone tried to approach Dorinda about anything she went insane! And she’s just watched the entire season before coming to whatever airplane hangar that is inexplicably full of rugs and weird film props they’re filming in tonight, so she must know that this is the most manifest “Nah girl, you right, I never would’ve been receptive to that shit” in the history of human existence, right? RIGHT?
LOLOLOLOLOLOL BITCH JK, Dorinda says yes, she absolutely would have been able to receive a sincere confrontation from Ramona, because Sonja ~*coached*~ her on how to accept criticism or some shit? I honestly dk what she was talking about because it made very little sense, but more importantly I have questions and they are these: WHEN did this Sonja-led ~*transformation*~ of Dorinda’s occur?! And upon which television program?! Because I’ve watched all 317 episodes of this god-forsaken season TWICE and I never once saw a Dorinda Medley that was ~*open to notes*~ I mean come the fuck on I feel like I’m on mescaline! Or mesculin? Idk which ever one is the drug and not the salad green.
In any case, Andy is on my side. He’s basically like “I’m sorry NO SELF-AWARENESS SAYS WHAT,” and brings up the fact that when Luann, who is very close to Dorinda, tried to talk to her about all of this, Dorinda bit her fucking head off. To her credit, Dorinda does cop to that and apologizes to Luann, who she recognizes was coming from a genuinely good place. Ramona on the other hand…
Dorinda says she felt like Ramona was just lying in wait for opportunities to attack on camera, which… Idk man, at the TIME I felt like Ramona was being sincere when she confronted Dorinda, but THIS version of events is A LOT more plausible given what we know of Ramona historically and certainly given what we’ve learned of her in these reunions. Dorinda asks Leah to back her up on this suspicion about Ramona, and Leah’s like “Oh absolutely, this bitch STAYS lurking around corners watching for something she can attack you with like a goddamn Gothic horror villain!” Paraphrasally!
Dorinda restates that what she needed from Ramona, her friend of 20 years, was for her to say, “I love you, how can I help.” And yeah exactly! Except! Now I have to renege again! Because Ramona’s like!!!
And like sorry THIS IS THE TRUTH! TEAM RAMONA!!! Oh my God I have to go drink industrial grease solvent because I hate being on Ramona’s side but like there’s no way ‘round it!!!
But of course Dorinda isn’t having this.
She looks first at Andy and then at Leah for moral support, and even Leah is like leeeeeeeeeeemme justlookatthefloorrealquick becaaaaaauuuuuse thiiiiiiiiiis isssss KINDA THE FUCKING TRUTH.
As Ramona elaborates… it kinda gets harder and harder to take D’s side. Ramona goes into the night at her apartment when Dorinda came over and told her off in front of everyone, and then reads off texts that Dorinda sent her the next day saying she made Ramona a mix tape of songs from the old days instead of just APOLOGIZING.
Then Ramona says the next time Dorinda did this was on Halloween when D attacked her in front of the entire party. Ramona reads a text from Dorinda where she’s like, “let’s just move past this” etc.—also not an apology. And suddenly Dorinda becomes VERY agitated and starts YELLING over Ramona.
Really not helping your case here, D! Andy tries to referee, but honestly it devolves into the fucking vice presidential debate with Andy telling Dorinda “YOU ALREADY HAD YOUR TURN TO SPEAK,” but Dorinda simply won’t have it! She just keeps yelling about how this is unfair because Ramona’s only reading her side of the texts and then Ramona’s trying to get Andy to shut Dorinda up and he has just HAD IT and literally throws up his hands.
And then RAMONA has had it and just hurls all her printed-out texts on the floor!!!
And I was all set to be like Welp! Team Ramona again I guess! But then Sonja—once again, yelling out from her corner!—is like hold on a minute here, it was DORINDA who was always reaching out to YOU not the other way around.
And so it seems like Ramona’s text print-outs might be stagecraft and Dorinda is right that it’s one-sided?! I don’t know man! Much like this election I just don’t know who to believe or who to side with so I am voting third party! I’m Team Luann this is all too hard!
This joke doesn’t really work because there is no clear choice here, as opposed to the election where there is only not a clear choice if you’re a butthurt crybaby Bernie voter or a deranged moron like Ken Bone. Listen, the jokes can’t all be winners, okay? I’m doing the best I can. AND BEFORE YOU SHOW UP IN MY FKNG DM’S DON’T TRY IT BC I GAVE BERNIE HELLA MONEY IN 2016 WHEN I HAD AN ACTUAL JOB AND I VOTED FOR HIM IN MARCH OKAY.
Anyway, I have no idea who to believe here. I’ve also stopped caring. Luckily, Andy pivots to Luann and Dorinda’s beef, stemming from Dorinda underhandedly mocking her for being an alcoholic and having gone to vodkajail. Luann’s like, I need you to recognize how hurtful that was, and Dorinda’s like yep, I get it and I’m sorry. But then, Luann points out that when Dorinda went on Watch What Happens Live and Andy point-blank asked her if she regrets attacking Luann, she was like lol nah.
Dorinda cops to this, too, and apologizes again. Luann appreciates it, but she’s also like, if it’s I’m sorry one day and in vino veritas the next, then wtf? Because, of course, every time Dorinda gets drunk she says vicious shit, so clearly there’s something in that heart and mind of hers that’s anti-Luann, right?
This is a controversial thing. Like legit, talk about this with your friends and you’ll find people vehemently disagree on this! Lots of people believe in the whole “We all say shit we don’t mean when we’re drunk” smoke and mirrors, but personally, I am 100% on Luann’s side here—in vino veritas is some real-ass shit and I reject the, “I’m sorry, I was drunk, I didn’t mean it” excuse in 98% of cases. All that means is you meant that shit but have the good sense to shut up about it when you’re sober! I see you, bitch! Especially because EYE am a person who FREQUENTLY says the quiet part out loud when I’m drunk so I know it’s a real thing! Miss me with this okie-doke!
And you know who agrees with me is Ramona Singer (truly cannot handle how much Ramona and I are on the same page in this episode, it is emotionally disturbing) because she’s like, “Bitch you are a mean-ass drunk for real for real.”
In response, Dorinda just ignores her and tells her to pick up her texts and I screamed so hard a few of my teeth flew out of my mouth and when they hit the floor the high notes on a piano played like in a cartoon.
Anyway Dorinda denies harboring any ill will toward Luann, but neither she nor Andy are buying it. Luann cuts to the quick: “How can you watch yourself on the show and not say, wow I need to change?” And Dorinda—goddamn her and goddamn me because I know this is wrong but it delighted me to my core—is like, I do need to change with you, for sure, but lol fuck Ramona. And I screamed again.
And peep Ramona’s reaction lololololololol.
Then Ramona makes a good point again, goddammit! She’s like, but your issue isn’t just with me, this entire group save Leah doesn’t understand what the fuck your deal is. Which is true! And then she does my favorite stupid-person thing which is when people use air quotes for no reason???
OMFG there’s nothing better. In college my friend group had an inside joke that stemmed from my girl Kelly going to get her hair done one day, and the dude in the chair beside her jumped up halfway through his haircut and was like, “Gimme two minutes, I just need to run outside and *air quotes* feed the meter *air quotes,” and when he left the entire hair salon was like WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN FOR HHHHWHAT IS “FEED THE METER” A EUPHEMISM??? And Kelly was just like “LOL nothing I literally think he’s just stupid” and I never don’t think of this any time anyone misuses air quotes, which honestly happens all the time and now that I brought it up you’ll notice it, just give it a week.
Omg remember that old Chris Farley character who misused air quotes?! Where he’d be like “So what if I don’t *air quotes* WASH *air quotes*, so what if I *air quotes* POP MY ZITS WITH THE PROTRACTOR I USED IN HIGH SCHOOL *air quotes*” My God what a genius. Let’s see if it’s on YouTube.
Ok this isn’t the right one but it’s still very funny.
The point is that Ramona is a fucking idiot and inappropriate air quotes are never not hilarious good evening.
Anyway where were we before I went down a rabbit hole about stupid persons and air quotes… ah yes, Ramona and Dorinda yelling at each other. So, presumably in order to break this up somewhat, Andy asks Leah her two cents, especially given that she’s close to Dorinda and has frequently been on the business end of Ramona’s ineffectual conflict resolution skills. Leah agrees that Dorinda isn’t great with conflict, but says she’d much rather deal with someone with anger issues than someone who says terrible things to people like Ramona does. Which fair enough, but when the other women protest, Leah differentiates between the two women by saying this utterly batshit thing.
And Luann’s entire psyche EXPLODES into DUST.
It doesn’t really translate to screenshots, and I so wish you could hear the timbre of Luann’s husky 75-year-old-man-who’s-been-smoking-cigarettes-since-age-5 voice suddenly go full coloratura soprano when she screams “WHAT?!” It was one of those moments where these women forget they’re on TV and you get their true, unfiltered, visceral reaction. She truly could not believe what had just come out of Leah’s mouth. And quite rightly! Because like sorry, this is the one and only time I’m not taking Leah’s side, but this is PREPOSTEROUS! When Luann is like “EXHIBIT A SHE MOCKED ME FOR BEING A BOOZEHOUND JAILBIRD,” even can’t-take-a-note DORINDA is like “Nah you right, shit’s fucked up.”
Honestly—and you know I would rather eat my own shit than speak a single word against Leah McSweeney—but I think there’s a tiiiiiiiiiiny touch of tap-dancing in order to not cross Dorinda Medley going on here on Leah’s part. Which is understandable but… A of all, come on man, you’re overselling, and 2 of all, SHE’S TAKING NEXT SEASON OFF! Like get in literally ANYONE ELSE’S good graces cuz uhhhhh she ain’t gonna be on set for S13 my love!
Anyway, Andrew moves on to the next viewer question, which pretty much drags Dorinda to filth: Larry from Virginia or some shit says that he’s never heard a single sincere apology out of Dorinda’s mouth and asks why she’s so defensive. And FINALLY, Dorinda cops to being as such. And when Ramona is like, why didn’t you just tell us you needed help, she admits that she couldn’t, because she was too overwhelmed. Which is fair, asking for help is hard! And then she finally gets to the heart of the matter.
And man, I can’t help but feel for Big D. She seems SUPER happy on Instagram nowadays, so I hope the year off is good to her. I love her so, and this season was just not the real Dorinda. Bless her.
Anyway, Andy moves on to the next viewer question and LOLOLOLLLLLLLLL this question!!! A gentleman writes in, “As your biggest fan, Dorinda, I’m begging you to hear this.”
Bitch the drama!!! The stakes!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA omg Henry from Athens, Georgia, you a real one!!! After that A&E’s Intervention preamble, Henry’s question is: Can you identify any moments where you were wrong? And I get the impression that Dorinda was low-key MORTIFIED when she watched the show, because not only does she cite her attacks on Luann, but she also admits that she RUINED THE FINALE by blowing up when Leah mentioned her nemesis Tinsley!
Now that is growth. When it comes to Ramona, though, she’s once again like LOL fuck this bitch, because she feels like Ramona betrayed her by not having her back. So Andy’s like, ok so then where do you and Ramona go from here? D says that they need to just leave it in the past and move forward if they want to salvage this thing, and Ramona just stares at her like “lolwat” and I once again screamed. I mean look at her.
That is the most “This bitch is crazy” side-eye that has ever happened. But then Ramona lets down her guard. Dorinda makes their path forward conditional, posing the idea as “if Ramona wants to,” and that’s all the cue Ramona needs. She gets sincere on a level of which I did know she was capable, to be honest.
And like awwwwwww!!! But then LOLOLOL right on time as always, Sonja pipes up from her corner with the truth, all like LOL BITCH THAT’S WHAT YOU SAID ABOUT ELYSE.
Ramona just ignores that and doubles down on her love for Dorinda. Dorinda’s moved, but says she’s doubtful they can actually reconnect and get back to where they were before all this shit happened. And Ramona isn’t having that.
Ugh! You guys! Female friendships!!! I take back everything I said earlier! I mean, there’s a tiny bit of a fly in the ointment here on account of Ramona being ~*garbage*~ but still! I think these two are gonna make it! Dorinda is visibly moved and they agree to elbow bump to make the commitment official.
And the moment is immediately fractured by Andy.
Lololol, straight out of one of those Arrested Development jail visits where you get to the emotional moment and the guard bellows NO TOUCHING. Bless.
Anyway, through tears, Dorinda says hopefully 2021 will be a better year, for her and for all of us.
And it was really emotional and moving! Especially since LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL YOU KNOW 2021 IS GOING TO BE SO MUCH WORSE THAN 2020 HAHAHAHA. Jkjkjk it’ll probably be at least a little better, we must keep hope! We’ve nothing if we abandon hope! After all, like wise woman Sonja tells Dorinda:
Which honestly made me tear up a little, cuz it’s true! Every darkness has its dawn or whatever.
Anyway, what a perfect coda right? Or it would be but, LOL, if there’s anything this ep has taught us it’s that Andy Cohen doesn’t know when to let sleeping dogs lie, so we get one final needless segment.
After waxing poetic about the way the pandemic has changed us all *jerk-off motion*, he asks each woman a coronoavirus-themed question: What’s one moment from this season you’d like to socially distance from, and which Housewife are you most looking forward to hugging. And like, Andrew, come on. Like girl shut up. Someone get the hook and yank this corny-ass dude off the soundstage I have fucking had it.
Anyway, Ramona goes first. She says she most regrets the inexcusable drama over Leah’s mental health history, and that she can’t wait to hug Dorinda, and please enjoy another insane manic Ramona screenshot for the road.
I just — you know what, never mind. Low-hanging fruit.
Dorinda’s answer is that she most regrets shitting on Luann, and that she really wants to work on that friendship too. As far as hugging, Dorinda wants to hug everyone, because she really misses hugs.
And like, relatable right? I feel like I’m turning into one of those Soviet orphans who never got held and is just, like, feral. If someone doesn’t ess this dee soon I’m gonna go climb the mountain behind this house I’m staying in and go live with the goddamn coyotes! Not that I had any physical affection in my life before the pandemmy but I’d at least like the OPTION! Man fuck this shit!
As for Luann…
She most regrets the night in the Berkshires where she was wearing that hideous fucking sweater with the pink lips all over it that she bought at a garage sale put on by some Nebraska church lady who decided to sell the sweater because it’s “too racy” for her! UGH, Luann’s clothes, sometimes I can’t deal. Anyway JK, what she actually regrets from that night is telling Sonja she’s worthless which, yeah, that was ~*cringe*~. As for hugging, she wants to hug everyone too.
Sonja, as always, has the best answer.
She wants to socially distance herself from her lack of control over the mixing of prescription drugs with alcohol BY WHICH, IN CASE YOU’VE FORGOTTEN, SHE MEANS DIURETICS. Lololololol she’s still hawking that old chestnut that it was a diuretic mixed with coca-cola and rosé that had her batshit insane in Mexico and not, like, a bottle and a half of veterinary-grade barbiturates. God love her. Nobody does it better.
Anyway, for her, the hugs go to Dorinda.
She makes a lovely speech about how despite how much difficult shit Dorinda was going through, she was Sonja’s rock all year and made her feel less alone, and it was really, really touching. Especially because Dorinda said this:
Aww, I love their love!!
Leah wittily says she’d like to socially distance from the entire state of Rhode Island given the debacle that was the weekend in Newport.
And as for hugs?
She’s saving all her hugs for Ramona, of all people! Because, she says, her mommy issues are:
To that end, Ramona agrees to be more of a friend and less of a mom to her from now on, and they agree that’ll be a good restart.
Aww! I have to say, this is p much the only reunion that has EVER ended on a happy note and with some sort of resolution. It’s funny what a pandemic will do, eh? Even Andrew is shocked!
The women all agree that is was like a group therapy session.
And then, to put a button on it, after allllll that hullabaloo about not being able to touch, Andy makes them take this adorable selfie where they’re WAY too close to each other and probably all got Covid from Ramona and lolololol this show’s a fucking mess.
And THAT, as they say in the biz, IS A WRAP! Funnily enough, as I was writing this sentence from the backyard of this LA house I’m staying in, the sun quite literally dipped behind the tree line just as I arrived at the period. How poetic!
So there! We did it you guys! This long national nightmare is finally over! Do you think there’ll be a season 13 before, like, 2025? VOTE BIDEN SO WE CAN GET MORE RHONY FOR FUCK’S SAKE.
Meantime, I am working on coming up with something new for you each week now that this is over, because I emphatically do not fux with Real Housewives of Orange County (though I do sense that I stan Shannon Beador, that icon), and my sister-in-law told me that the tea on the mommy-Instagram circuit is that several of the upcoming Real Housewives of Salt Lake City cast are full Q Anon. I am not fucking with that either! So I need to come up with a whole new non-Housewives concept. I do have one idea, and it’s a good one, but what if I can’t execute it properly and you all stop reading and I fade into obscurity and keel over dead on my way out the door for my daily crywalk and nobody finds my body until one of these cats I’m cat-sitting claws its way out of one of the window screens and runs around Glendale, California’s Kenneth Village with a human arm (from my person) in its mouth prompting the authorities to do whatever forensics is?! It’s a whole thing! A minefield! A palaver!
But I’ll come up with something, I promise, even if it’s just random nonsense once a week. Until then, I will just say sincerely and from the bottom of my heart, thank you for going on this extremely stupid journey with me. You’ve all been really lovely and complimentary and generous, and this really has been fun!
Okay that’s it, as Dorinda Medley famously once said:
Please wear your mask and please vote in person if at all possible and take your vitamins as the temperature continues to drop and say hi to your mother for me! Ok bye!